I'm pregnant but have family members who are having fertility problems- how to be sensitive?

[Ally_C]

Hi ladies, I really want to hear your opinion on this. I've had 2 losses and thought I might have fertility issues, so I can relate somewhat. My hubbie's older brother and his wife are having fertility issues. His sperm motility is bad and her egg wall is too thick, so the combo of the two are pretty unlucky. They're really open about their issues, but I know they must be really hurting. My husband and I wanted to wait until they conceived, but the years went by...so after 2 losses I got lucky and am now 20 weeks (and scared for the baby in every minute of it, believe you me). We live overseas so the family doesn't see us much, which is probably a relief for the older brother and wife. But we'll be home for the holidays and I'll be showing. I wanted to ask you all how I can be as sensitive as possible with them? I'm not baby crazy or anything, but I know my mother-in-law will be super excited and I don't want to overdo it or even underdo it. What are your pet peeves? I know when I kept miscarrying, every time a friend announced a pregnancy I died a little, even if they were the sweetest people. I want to be as supportive as I can to my family members.

Thank you all, and best of luck with your journey.

[Des_a_rae]

Lol Ally, I completely understand what you're saying.  That's how it is with my 2 cousins.  One got pregnant with her first, everyone is excited then my other one who has a child already, just HAD to get pregnant again. I can't honestly say I'm happy for her, she only did it out of spite, I just don't understand people who do that, why??  Not saying your brother is like this at all, but my cousin IS.  

I don't know what I'd do if my brother or sister announced they were expecting.  My brother is 26 and in a "weird" relationship and my sister, well she's 19 BUT her b/f is a douche bag and I honestly pray she doesnt' get pregnant with him. :(  Sad to say I know, but it would be a very hard situation for her to be in, just hope she realizes that.    Can't believe I'm rambling on about my family LOL.  I do apologize.  

I'm just so happy for you that you're expecting and everything is going great so far.  I hope it stays that way and you share your pics and birth story with us soon! :D  

[Ally_C]

I realized my comment above sounded a little confusing- my husband's brother has fertility issues, and he and his wife are still trying. My younger brother apparently has no issues and is now expecting. I'd never feel resentful if my brother-in-law got pregnant before us since they have been trying for so long. As for my younger bro, sibling rivalry perhaps? Chuckle.

[Ally_C]

Thank you to everyone, your responses have been amazing! I agree that taking the pregnancy and baby for granted are the biggest mistake any woman can make, and I will make sure not to come off that way to my husband's family. And try to not sound too whiny!

I've not been open with my losses, but we made sure to tell my brother-in-law & sister-in-law, just so they knew it wasn't peaches 'n cream. It certainly gives you perspective, and I think they appreciated us sharing it. My hubbie definitely noticed his brother was distant when he told him over the phone, even though he insisted he was really happy for us. We understand completely, and even recognized this tone in another married couple that we told, so we suspect they're having trouble too. Since we noticed this tone with them, we know now to avoid the usual "so when are you gonna have kids" talk that THEY actually started, years ago. It's fun to joke around when you're younger, but when you get a bit older you have to be bear in mind that people might be having trouble in the baby department.

We were very lucky we got pregnant when we did, because shortly after announcing our pregnancy to family (we waited 15 weeks), my younger brother announced his wife's! That was the day they took the pregnancy test...I'd warned them NOT to do that because of the high miscarriage rate, but they didn't care. Fortunately they've been lucky. Even still I was kind of taken aback, and my hubbie too! My mother insists my brother was always kind of a copy cat  ;)   It's not really fair to them because I knew they'd been trying for a while and just happened to get lucky. But I'm glad I'm not resentful, and I would've been if I wasn't pregnant. My younger bro and his wife are so happy to be "pregnant with us" which is fantastic. I just hope my husband's brother's luck turns around for him too.

Enough from me. Good luck to all of you, may you be happy and healthy no matter what happens. Stay strong and positive, and enjoy the holidays!

[Mom2boys1980]

No problem!  I hope you read it :-)

[cangel1019]

i can relate to your husbands brother and wife with the fertility issues.. i have been trying for a while now and i am 39 yrs old now without sucess.. alot of my friends my age are still able to have children and 5 of them are preg now and due soon... we just started to go through the iui treatment and i had my 2nd one on 11/16 and i dont think it has taken... but i just found out my 19 year old niece is preg about 6 weeks or so and she lives with me, i will say it is hard because some family members are making a big deal and always saying something and i just happen to be there, it is tough but with my friends and my niece, i dont blame anyone and just wish everyone alot of happiness and most of all a healthy baby... and just hope that oneday it will happen for me..you and your husband should enjoy the blessed event and dont feel uncomfortable and if you do feel that way maybe you can talk to your in laws and just tell them your situation... everyone will be happy for you both i dont think you need to worry about it... happy holidays and best of luck with the little one

[Des_a_rae]

Oh I've never heard of that one. I'll look into it and thank you so much!!  :)

[cminamyer]

I think this is an awesome question! I agree that as long as they know you are happy and not taking you baby or pregnancy for granted then it won't hurt as much! Let them be as happy for you as they want...but also try not to be offended if they seem a little distant. You shouldn't feel bad that your pregnant and let your mother in law be happy :-

[Mom2boys1980]

Thank you so much for your input I hope all the best to you and I do hope god will give you a baby- have faith and believe. I don't know if you ever heard of the book " The secret" by Rhonda Byrnes- it has helped me a lot and it works. Once you read it you will love it. Give it a try. Good luck Hun and all the best.

[Des_a_rae]

Coming from a family that's VERY fertile and me being the only one without a child for 12 yrs now it is VERY heartbreaking to hear someone in your family is pregnant. Long story short, all of my "baby" cousins are getting pregnant/having babies and here I sit without still. :(  Having said that, I'm SO happy for them.  Sure seeing their lil bellies grow and wishing it were mine is kinda sad, BUT going with them to the dr. and seeing their sono pics are AMAZING!!  Being there for the delivery is AMAZING!! And right now, I see my cousin walking that lil baby up their drive way to my house (she's a little over one now), seeing her hold mommy's hand coming to my house, just melts my heart!!  
The only thing that "hurts more" to me is when they are all like " omg I had so much heartburn" or " UGH, I can't sleep" , they act like they're just sooo misreable and I"m sure pregnancy is a rough time, but they don't understand how much I'd give up, just to say that, feel that and experience it.  I"m not saying you're going to go talking about all of that, but my cousins do and I get sick of hearing it.  I'd never wish infertility on anyone, BUT I wished they understood it more.  Right now I have 2 cousins that are pregnant.  I'm SUPER happy for one, but the other I could care less.  ONLY because she's jealous the other one became pregnant before she did.  She was supposedly going to wait awhile because she has Caleb and he's 3, but after this other one got pregnant with her first it's like OMG I've gotta get pregnant now, and she did.  Sad :(.  
Anyways, that's just how I feel personally.  It is sad, but like with my first cousin, when she had Kelly, I went to some of the dr. visits with her, I was there for her delivery and getting to see her walk up her drive way to come see me is wonderful!!   I'm hope and pray my time will come soon, but I wouldn't change what they have for anything in this world.

Ally_C, You're going to do just fine.  You're already considering their feelings and that's wonderful I think.  Enjoy the attention you get when you get there for the holidays, you deserve it just as well!! Sure it's probably going to hurt them a little (that's natural) but they'll be happy.Good luck!!

Mom2boys, best of luck to you.  If my sister were pregnant, I'd be OVER the moon!!  Talk about spoiling that child!! :D  That's what we do with our little nephew. He's 4 now (growing up To fast :( )   and we'd go get him for the weekend, take him to the park, zoo, all kinds of places! :D

[Mom2boys1980]

I'm on the same boat as you are. My sister has tried to get pregnant for a few years now and she miscarried early this year, which it was a heartbreak for both of us as I was so excited to become an aunt for the first time. After she had a few doctor appointments with no luck of getting pregnant I became pregnant and I don't know how to break the news. I'm very close to her and we open up to each other about everything and I've mentioned a few times that we wanted to have another baby and she said go for it. I'll leave it up to god as I don't want to break her heart as I know she will be excited to have another godchild. Good luck to you :-)

[JennyB0125]

I think it is very sweet that you are thinking about this, I really don't know what to tell you.  Maybe try talking to her and let her know that you are worried about hurting her??  

Anyway congrats!!