Aa
Tired of friends judging me
I just found out that I have a BFN today. I have been trying for 3 years now - with an RE for over one year. We have been trying agressively for this entire time since I am now 40 and have low ovarian reserve. My husband and I may never pay these bills off. We have tried everything - IVF twice and have spent over 45K in the last year. We don't have much money and I don't think that we can raise the money for a donor egg or adoption. I just walked through my house and looked at all of the beautiful art, china & crystal that my husband have aquired through the years - not having kids gives you extra money to buy trinkets for yourself. I am so sad - I have no one to share it with or leave it to. No happy Christmas memories of my own family. Nothing that was ever REALLY important to me - to have my own family. I just called one of my best friends to tell her about my no and to keep from crying I started telling her that my husband's brother is getting a divorce. She immediatly told me that the reason that I can't get pregnant is because I am too worried about other people. Of course that is not true. I am not getting pregnant for reasons that cannot be explained - well I guess my old age. I started to cry and hung up on her. I am so tired of everyone telling me what I am doing wrong. This is so incredibly painfull. I have many older friends who never had children and they just tell me that they are sorry. My friends and family who had children with no problem always want to tell me how I am doing things wrong. I am grieving over the possiblity of being completely childless. Completely childless - It feels almost unbearable. I don't know what I will be able to do next. The least people could do is not condemn me for silly things.
I feel for you lady, TTC is tough. People offering their unwanted and uneducated two cents is even tougher!
I like what a few of the ladies here have suggested: You can either stop talking to them or you can call them on their really bad advice. Personally, I'm a touch sarcastic and opt for the latter approach. That being said, these people aren't going to go away. They are your friends and/or family. They mean well and are simply trying to offer their limited advice. Unfortunately it is just what we don't need to hear.
I imagine that you have gone through great difficulties. It must be tough to have spent so much money to no avail. But you must remember your strength. You are a courageous woman to have encountered all that you have. All these difficulties will make your wee baby that much more loved and worthwhile when he/she finally arrives. You must keep hope. Even though it is the hope that brings about such despair. Even if our friends and family cannot understand, I say: Thank god for this forum! So that we can share, vent and get it out of our system. Better luck with your friend in the near future. And the best of luck in your future cycles.
I like what a few of the ladies here have suggested: You can either stop talking to them or you can call them on their really bad advice. Personally, I'm a touch sarcastic and opt for the latter approach. That being said, these people aren't going to go away. They are your friends and/or family. They mean well and are simply trying to offer their limited advice. Unfortunately it is just what we don't need to hear.
I imagine that you have gone through great difficulties. It must be tough to have spent so much money to no avail. But you must remember your strength. You are a courageous woman to have encountered all that you have. All these difficulties will make your wee baby that much more loved and worthwhile when he/she finally arrives. You must keep hope. Even though it is the hope that brings about such despair. Even if our friends and family cannot understand, I say: Thank god for this forum! So that we can share, vent and get it out of our system. Better luck with your friend in the near future. And the best of luck in your future cycles.
Thanks girls. This is the only place that i know of where people do know how I feel. I feel so alone in my non-cyber world.
As for mother in laws - mine has plenty of grandchildren and her opinion is that she needs to be there for them and too bad if we can't have any. I listen to nothing she says as it is also hurtful.
I can't believe my girlfriend said what she said. I will live. I just get so tired of the comments.
As for mother in laws - mine has plenty of grandchildren and her opinion is that she needs to be there for them and too bad if we can't have any. I listen to nothing she says as it is also hurtful.
I can't believe my girlfriend said what she said. I will live. I just get so tired of the comments.
I am so sorry to hear what you've been going through. My heart just breaks when I read your post because I can completely understand how you feel. I know there is nothing I could probably say to make you feel better, but just know that you are not alone. We have all gone through moments like yours when we feel like we are missing out on such an important part of life and we've lost so much time. All I can say is for you and your DH to find comfort in one another and pray for strength to get through the tough times. There are a lot of ignorant and insensitive people in this world and not very many people understand the pain and stress associated with infertility. People just treat you like you're some sort of awful selfish person because they just think that you're choosing not to have kids. I've lost count of the number of people that I've wanted to look at and scream "Did you ever think it's not by choice!!!" I will keep you in my prayers and don't ever lose hope. We're all here if you need to talk. Take care.
People are stupid and can't put themselves in an other person's situation. While we were preparing for IVF, a friend said, in front of all our friends, "I don't think I would do IVF. I think I would just accept the cards that i was delt and move on". He has 2 young kids. Of course he doesn't understand.
Anyways, I think my husband belives (in his heart of hearts) that i would get pregnant if I just relaxed. He does. Everyone around me does. They think that my proactive attitude equals freaking out. Researching on the web and asking questions equals being obsessed. I've just recently learned to SHUT UP. I don't tell anyone what I'm doing and totally down-play Clomid with my husband, saying things like "let's just try it, who cares if it doesn't work, in the end it's all good". It makes him feel more relaxed and lifts a wight off his shoulders.
I now keep to myself. It's much better since I started doing this. My friends and I talk on the phone and I don't talk about anything and when they ask, I say stuff like, "Yeah, I'm so over that. I've moved on". They LOVE hearing that. I then turn around and type away with you guys. You understand and that's all I need as far as talking and venting.
So my advise? Quit telling people what you're doing and how you're feeling. Just tell one special person, like a confident. That's it.
Hang in there and don't give up your dream!
Isabelle
Anyways, I think my husband belives (in his heart of hearts) that i would get pregnant if I just relaxed. He does. Everyone around me does. They think that my proactive attitude equals freaking out. Researching on the web and asking questions equals being obsessed. I've just recently learned to SHUT UP. I don't tell anyone what I'm doing and totally down-play Clomid with my husband, saying things like "let's just try it, who cares if it doesn't work, in the end it's all good". It makes him feel more relaxed and lifts a wight off his shoulders.
I now keep to myself. It's much better since I started doing this. My friends and I talk on the phone and I don't talk about anything and when they ask, I say stuff like, "Yeah, I'm so over that. I've moved on". They LOVE hearing that. I then turn around and type away with you guys. You understand and that's all I need as far as talking and venting.
So my advise? Quit telling people what you're doing and how you're feeling. Just tell one special person, like a confident. That's it.
Hang in there and don't give up your dream!
Isabelle
I'm so sorry. Your heartbreak comes through in your post. I once read an article, and I'm sorry I can't remember now who did the research, but it said that "Infertility can be enormously stressful; research has shown that the stress levels of infertile women are equivalent to women with cancer, AIDS, or heart disease". I have brought this up on occasion when people said insensitive things to me. If I had cancer, would they tell me it would go away if I would just relax about it? Of course not, that would be ridiculous; yet, with infertility, people just don't seem to understand.
I'm so sorry to hear what your going through.. I really just don't think people have any inkling of what it feels like to be going thru infertility, and UGHH i agree when people say well just try not to think about it.. go on vacation then it will happen, it defintely hits a nerve. especially since we want to go on vacation just to get away from thinking about it momentarily but cant' because we have to save all our money for treamtments.. Good luck with everything and keep us updated and you'll find a lot of support on this site, and defintely let us know if there is anything we can ever do for you! Your in my thoughts and prayers! : )
I am so sorry for your pain! I whole-heartedly understand your sadness. I'm 31 and supposedly in my "prime" reproductive years, but have endometriosis/adenomyosis. My husband and I can't afford fertility treatments or adoption either.
People are just insensitive, asking intrusive questions and making harsh judgements. It's a daily battle, isn't it? Unfortunately that will probably never change (it hasn't for me anyway). All I can say is that you are a worthwhile, good person - with or without children! You haven't done anything wrong, you're not "less" of a woman, wife, etc. because you can't get pregnant. You have to know this is your heart! I'm certainly still working on finding some peace, and it seems impossible sometimes. I've had to distance myself from people who aren't compassionate and supportive, including some family. You need to surround yourself with people who truly want the best for you, especially when you're dealing with so much grief and sadness.
If you ever need to "talk", write me a note.
BLESSINGS TO YOU, Lori Ann
People are just insensitive, asking intrusive questions and making harsh judgements. It's a daily battle, isn't it? Unfortunately that will probably never change (it hasn't for me anyway). All I can say is that you are a worthwhile, good person - with or without children! You haven't done anything wrong, you're not "less" of a woman, wife, etc. because you can't get pregnant. You have to know this is your heart! I'm certainly still working on finding some peace, and it seems impossible sometimes. I've had to distance myself from people who aren't compassionate and supportive, including some family. You need to surround yourself with people who truly want the best for you, especially when you're dealing with so much grief and sadness.
If you ever need to "talk", write me a note.
BLESSINGS TO YOU, Lori Ann
I am very sorry that you have to go through this. I do hope the same, that you are able to find some peace during this time.
I swear, if one more person told me to just relax, it will happen, I will scream "you are an idoit!" at them. As if that was all it took...I guess ignorance is bliss for some. My in-laws used to send me information on do this, do that, for ttc. Finally, my DH and I had to stay "stop it!" Every email felt like we were failing and we didn't need any help in that area. I wish just relaxing is all I needed to get pg. If that was the case, I would have gotten pg after every massage I had.
I swear, if one more person told me to just relax, it will happen, I will scream "you are an idoit!" at them. As if that was all it took...I guess ignorance is bliss for some. My in-laws used to send me information on do this, do that, for ttc. Finally, my DH and I had to stay "stop it!" Every email felt like we were failing and we didn't need any help in that area. I wish just relaxing is all I needed to get pg. If that was the case, I would have gotten pg after every massage I had.
I understand completely. DH and I have been ttc for 5 years, the last two years aggressively. We have had a failed IVF and are days away from starting the next cycle. Unfortunately most people don't know what infertility feels like, what it makes your heart and mind feel like. I felt like a failure when we were told the reason was me. I am the reason for us not having children. We have 7 nieces and nephews and all we want is one child. Our insurance covers two IVF attempts, if this last one doesn't work...I can't imagine.
You are not alone. Not by far. There is truly nothing that I can say that will make you feel better, but I can share my daydream with you. When people (and most do say this) tell me that we are just trying too hard and to relax, I imagine hitting them solidly about the head and telling them it won't hurt as much if they just relax. ^_^
I hope that you find the peace and words that you need to get through this trying time.
You are not alone. Not by far. There is truly nothing that I can say that will make you feel better, but I can share my daydream with you. When people (and most do say this) tell me that we are just trying too hard and to relax, I imagine hitting them solidly about the head and telling them it won't hurt as much if they just relax. ^_^
I hope that you find the peace and words that you need to get through this trying time.
I am sorry you are having a tough time with friends and family. I am dealing with this too. My mother in law just doesn't understand how I could be having problems. All she had to do was think about it and she got pregnant...sometimes she didn't even have to do that! Then I have several friends that say "if you stop thinking about it it will happen". I just started ignoring them...it is easier said than done though.
Good luck.
Good luck.
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