Do you feel like you've lost your identity to Infertility????

[blessedmomof3]

OK, I used to be a young single mom who was independant, fun loving, good looking, 115 lbs, busy, a neat freak, and loved to shop. Now I'm a middle aged woman, who weighs 135 lbs, is depressed, disapointed, hormonal, and just doesn't care. I can't go shopping because I feel it would be a waste of money if I got PG next month and had to go buy maternity clothes, I depend on my husband for everything now, I am always told to stay off my feet, and I can't keep a job because I always have to take time off for fertility treatments and to stay off my feet. All my freinds have moved on because they are tired of hearing about it, and my family only wants to know how it is going. I have no confidence in myself anymore, I just feel like a useless lump. Does anyone else feel this way? How do we get our identity back and still keep trying? I feel like I've lost 4 years of my life. I dont' want to quit trying, but I want to be me again. My husband and kids say they miss me!!!!

[Juana824]

You are not alone, no of us are. We have each other to lean on. I know I sound like a broken record, but I can't stress that enough!!!

[dnikki0928]

I'm sorry your going through such a rough time.... :(   We've been trying for our 2nd child for over a year now (and a lot of people even longer). And even DH has stated it feels like forever. We've had 1 m/c that happened a couple of months ago... I would have rathered had a BFN than that. Even though it was early, it still hurt.  We took this month off due to scheduling conflicts and I actually feel so much better than I have in awhile. I don't know if the meds made me depressed or what it was.... We still tried "naturally" but it's not nearly as stressful as going to the doc 4 days a week and being probed and pricked and everything else. I've had the thought in the back of my mind about maybe taking a few more months off and losing weight (yeah, in my spare time!). But the weather is turning nice, so I get to be outside more with DH and DS and gardening and all that.  I used to not want to shop as for the same reason, but I said screw it!! I need clothes, I need to feel good about myself... go out and pamper yourself for a day. Get some new clothes and have a night on the town with DH....

I hope things will turn around for you soon :) And as always, I am so glad to have all you ladies. I don't feel so alone in this ttc unbelievably long journey....
Hugs to all :)

[Stacey1718]

Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes.  I feel the same way that all you ladies have expressed.  Clothes, friends, vacations, family....I just wish it would end.  We have been ttc for almost 3 years now.  No pregnancy or m/c that I know of.  It is so hard to believe.   We bought a 3 bedroom house over a year ago and expected to have a baby by now.  Every time we have someone over they automatically know which room would be for a baby and I just don't know what to say anymore.  I have only told my sister and 2 friends that we are going through treatment but it is such a roller coaster ride - positive, then hopeful, then really hopeful, then anxious, then disappointed, then devasted....and it starts all over again.

I have moments where I snap out of it and say I will just live my life normally and if it happens it happens and I will plan around it.  However, we are now looking at our July vacation and wondering what to do - will it run into my IUI schedule?  Will I feel crappy because of the meds? Will I be in the 2ww and not able to have some drinks??  It is so frustrating!!

But, I am so glad I am not alone.  We all understand and keep each other up.  I think I have accepted many things and learned a lot since joining.

Hoping4_2 - I know you have been going through an especially difficult time.  So sorry.

Stacey

[blessedmomof3]

That's exactly the way I feel about it to.

[Juana824]

Hoping - if HE hasn't taken it from you then it's meant to be!!!

Candie - Thanks and enjoy your vaca as well! We are here for support so when you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to...LOG ON!! One of us will be here to greet you with open arms!

Bny - Enjoy your vaca and remain prayerful.

[blessedmomof3]

I know just what you mean. Everytime I start to relax and except what is going on, I get a huge slap in the face, like this one. I excepted my BFN and was already starting my FET and was feeling good about it, then this. I keep asking GOD to take this desire from me if it's not meant to be, but he never does. We have tried to just not think about it, but it's like something won't let us.

[bny807]

i completely understand the losing identity thing too! its so overwhelming and take over who you are when going thru infertility treatments.. even if  i have a month where we aren' t going to think about it this month, of course not an hour goes by where i think about it!    i feel like we had finally come to terms with whatever would happen last month.. we had family over who has kids, and in my mind i was ok with the thought of adoption or whatever may happen and dh was too, and we planned a vacation.. we just needed to feel like our old selves again!he is so good about saying how lucky we are to have everything we do, he is great at reminding me of that.. and that life will go on and things will be ok if this doens't happen for us.. so anyhow we planned  a vaca and then got tihs suprise, and now are just in limbo and crushed again.. its just crazy, i feel like its taken a beating on my soul! i've never gotten so much bad news in such a short amount of time than i have with tihs fertiltiy stuff! blow after blow after blow! : (       I've always been a positive person, but this is defintley challenging the deepest part of me in everyway!  We will be welcoming some sort of break after this! even though with endo its not super smart, my soul needs it! so anyhow thats my rant!!! haha.
  oh yea i talked to the dr they dno't seem concerned with us going on our vaca (puerto rico) in a week.. that if its an ectopic i shouldnt have problems for another two weeks! haha, not sure if that was comforting or not, but i know i didn' twant to loose a baby and a vacation!

[blessedmomof3]

yes, we got married in Jamaica and spent our 2nd anniversay there. It is the one place I still feel like me. I'm so excited to be going and to be taking the kids and showing them why I love it so much. It is such a great country!!!! There is alot of poverty, but they make so much with what they have and always have the best attitudes. They are always happy no matter how bad things seem. We love getting out into the villages and meeting the residents and having real Jamaican food. We love Jerk Chicken and Pork!!!! The people are so beautiful there inside and out!!!! I can't wait to take my kids, so they can learn more about the culture. I even love the music. We are going to go see Bob Marley's home. I walked down the isle to his music, One Love was the song.

[candie429]

I agree, it definitely helps to know that there are others who can relate and who are going through the same things that you are.  I stumbled upon this forum by accident one day a few months ago and I am so happy that I did.  We haven't wanted to worry our families, so we haven't told them what we've been going through, so other than a few really close friends (who don't really understand), there's no one else we can talk to.  I truly hope that your prayers are answered and that you are soon feeling like your old self again.  Enjoy your summer!  

[candie429]

Glad to hear we aren't the only ones!  We are definitely going to the beach this summer and we already booked a place to stay so there's no going back now!  Your trip is going to be here before you know it.  I don't think it matters if it's big or small, just to get away and get a change of scenery can make a world of difference.  Enjoy!

[blessedmomof3]

We had been debating on this trip for sometime, but he finaly jsut took into his own hands and planned it himself. I'm so glad he did now!!!!!

[blessedmomof3]

Thank you so much for your response. it realy does help to know others have felt the same way and how they have handled it. The more I hear the better I feel about our trip and that maybe it is a good idea to put off the FET until after. I can focus on my son's Baseball games and my daughter's needs. I feel like my husband is raising them while I just sit on the couch and watch. He is always off doing stuff with them and I'm always told to stay off my feet, so I stay home. And I'm the mom, he's the stepdad!!!

[Juana824]

The same thing happened to us last year...we didn't go ANYWHERE or do ANYTHING for fear of traveling while pregnant. We have both agreed not to do that this year..so far we haven't planned any BIG trips but we are going to Wisconsin Dells for the July 4th holiday. We haven't really traveled anywhee great since our honeymoon in 2005.

[blessedmomof3]

LOL.... OK, Deal!!!!

[candie429]

Like so many others, your post really struck a cord with me.  We've been TTC for 2 years now, which seems like forever to us, but I know so many of you have been struggling for much longer.  I know exactly how you feel though.  It feels like everything we have done has revolved around TTC.  We've avoided planning for things too far in advance because "we might be pregnant or have a baby by then."  Last summer we even skipped our annual beach vacation because we didn't want to risk travelling if I was pregnant.  I also stopped buying new clothes in the hopes that I'd be buying maternity clothes soon instead.  Then of course, month after month you are riding the same roller coaster and being hit with the disappointment over and over again while it seems like everyone around you is having kids left and right.  It is so hard to feel like life is going on without you and you are missing out on so much.  When 2008 came around, my DH and I looked at each other and were like, what happened to 2007?  It was like a blur and it was then that we realized that we still have a lot in our lives to be thankful for and we need to start enjoying our life and not taking it for granted.  We are now taking a break from all the medicines and just trying on our own and I have to admit it feels pretty good.  Obviously, not a day goes by that we don't think about our situation and pray that God will bless us soon, but in the end I think that's really all you can do is try to stay positive and have faith.  I'm sure it's hard on your kids too because they love you so much and even if you don't say much to them, they can still tell how much pain you are in.  I think your DH sounds like a sweetheart.  We're definitely all lucky for the support and love we get from our guys.  I think it's a great idea to plan a nice family vacation and hopefully you can all relax and focus on each other.  Never give up hope and know that we are always here if you need to talk.

[alaskacouple]

DEAL!  But hold the humidity.... I just want the heat :-D

[blessedmomof3]

LOL.... well it is 94 and humid here. You can keep the clouds and rain, we have been getting plenty of that. I just need the cooler weather. Is it a trade?

[alaskacouple]

I will send you some Alaska weather... it is about 55 and cloudy/rainy outside, I have a space heater on in my office and it is currently 72 in here.  I could use some heat!
But, you can keep the tornadoes and twisters. I lived in WI as a child, and have had my fair share of those!

[blessedmomof3]

man, that's too bad. Right now I would love to be in an Igloo.....It's HOT here!!!!!!

[alaskacouple]

Hey... it's summer and sandal weather... no one should have naked toes... time for pedicures all around :-D
Even in Alaska we wear sandals and contrary to belief... most of us do not live in igloos!

[Juana824]

I am equally excited to have you in my life!!

[Juana824]

That's my baby!!! A lot of people didn't think we would make it. He is 10 yrs older than I am...Everyday I am so excited to wake up next to him and just as excited to see his face when I get home from work..

[blessedmomof3]

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it that way. I believe you are as old as you feel, and I feel middle aged, old actualy. You are as young as you feel and you obviously feel very young, and I'm sure that keeps you young.  :>)

[Juana824]

That's great! You need a nice relaxing vacation. i am praying for you to get past this depression. I rely on a book called "Prayers that Avail Much" by germaine Copeland...you can also check it out online at www. prayers . com!