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Relax And Do It! ..favourite infertilty quote from "The Barreness"
This list was posted on one of my favourite web sites the other day:
So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?
• As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
• You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
• My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
• I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
• Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
• Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
• So... when are *you* going to start walking?
• Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk everywhere I go!
• But don't you *want* to walk?
• You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
• You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.
• I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
• I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis therapies. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
• Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?
• Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
• Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
• I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
• I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.
• You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
• Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
• If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
• If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
• You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
• You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
• Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
• Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
• When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.
So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't tell her that God has a plan for her. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!" Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your *** twice a day isn't fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is just. not. fun.
DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.
And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity. The last thing your friend needs is to be at someone's garage sale and get unsolicited advice from said secretary's sister's cousin's dogwalker's barista about how she and her husband just need to get really drunk one night and jump in the back seat of the car. Because she's probably already tried that, too.
-The Barrenness
_________________________
So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?
• As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
• You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
• My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
• I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
• Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
• Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
• So... when are *you* going to start walking?
• Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk everywhere I go!
• But don't you *want* to walk?
• You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
• You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.
• I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
• I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis therapies. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
• Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?
• Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
• Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
• I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
• I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.
• You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
• Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
• If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
• If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
• You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
• You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
• Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
• Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
• When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.
So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't tell her that God has a plan for her. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!" Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your *** twice a day isn't fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is just. not. fun.
DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.
And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity. The last thing your friend needs is to be at someone's garage sale and get unsolicited advice from said secretary's sister's cousin's dogwalker's barista about how she and her husband just need to get really drunk one night and jump in the back seat of the car. Because she's probably already tried that, too.
-The Barrenness
_________________________
My "secretary's sister's cousin's dogwalker's barista" is DF's brother's new girlfriend (now pregnant after four months of trying, due August 2012). The first time we met was at a family dinner. She had the nerve and told me "So, you are Leillani. I heard so much about you. Is it true you are having trouble conceiving?"
Had to comment on this. I think that perhaps the worst comment I ever had, hands down was "well, lots of couples are very happy childless". People just need to think don't they.
My favourite comment I get after nine pregnancy losses and no baby is - Oh that's so sad but at least you can get pregnant. I guess that's like - oh that's so sad you can't walk but at least you can wiggle your toes.
so true! luckily I haven't had all of these but quite a few .. I am running out of patience with inconsiderate people now .. and getting ruder in my responses to their 'advice'.
one good thing about going through all of this is that when someone says they have something wrong with them, instead of saying something about it that I really don't know .. I try to offer them strength and support as I realise only they will truly know what's going on and they don't need my advice, just my friendship .. I think all of us will be like that now and we will be better parents (eventually) because of it! gotta have some kind of silver lining!
one good thing about going through all of this is that when someone says they have something wrong with them, instead of saying something about it that I really don't know .. I try to offer them strength and support as I realise only they will truly know what's going on and they don't need my advice, just my friendship .. I think all of us will be like that now and we will be better parents (eventually) because of it! gotta have some kind of silver lining!
It's so right isn't it? Nobody understands or takes infertility seriously, only those of us going through it.
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