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Something I wanted to share...Surviving Your Infertility Pt 1
I got this off of the site of the fertility center I go to. Hope this will be helpful to you ladies...
Surviving Your Infertility
Communicating With Your Spouse
The experience of infertility can be a very difficult time for a couple. Even a very good marriage will be stressed, and loving partners will find they are facing unexpected challenges. It can be very helpful to know a few things about the way couples experience and cope with infertility.
It has often been observed that men and women do not go through infertility and treatment in the same way. Women usually experience more distress than men, and they also experience it much sooner. As one female patient said, "I think my husband is about a year behind me in emotional reactions!" While all couples are different, this emotional time difference is not uncommon, and it can lead to conflicts between a husband and wife who are surprised and upset to find out they are not in the same place about the infertility.
Another gender difference is that women, on whom the major burden for treatment falls, cannot easily escape from the pressure of the situation, even at work. Women are very aware of drug effects, appointments they have to keep, and where they are in their cycles. Husbands, on the other hand, can escape more easily from the pressure, by going to work and focusing on other things. Another difference is that women usually need to talk about the infertility a lot more than their husbands do. Women are much more likely than their husbands to talk about negative outcomes ("it won't work") and alternate plans ("we should think about adoption"). Husbands tend to hold on to positive thinking for longer, and worry that their wives are overly pessimistic and jumping ahead too quickly. Neither approach is better; they are just different and reflect two emotional timetables. The big challenge for the couple is to respect and accept their differences and to keep talking to each other about what they are thinking or feeling.
Don't allow the experience of infertility to turn into a wedge between you. Keep the communication line open. If you are very upset, wait before you launch into a discussion. Set a time to talk and decide on a length of time. Women need to know their husbands will be available to listen, and men need to know the discussion will have a beginning and an end. Men, who are more oriented to problem solving, find it hard to believe that just listening to their wives is helpful, but it is. Try to be as clear as you can about what you think, feel, and need from your partner. Your spouse cannot read your mind.
It is not a disaster if you disagree at times. It is actually quite normal. You are facing some important decisions about how to build a family. These decisions touch on many aspects of your lives, including your finances, your relationships with others, perhaps your jobs, and certainly your relationship with each other. It may take a while to resolve, but remember that no one goes through the experience of infertility forever. Keep your sense of humor in working order. (Even infertility has its weirdly funny moments.) Treat each other well. You both need additional TLC. Call on your reserves of patience and tact. Go out on a date. Decide that you will do at least one thing together each week that is fun. Finally, if you think you need some additional help, don't hesitate to ask your physician for a referral to a counselor who has expertise with couples going through infertility.
Surviving Your Infertility
Communicating With Your Spouse
The experience of infertility can be a very difficult time for a couple. Even a very good marriage will be stressed, and loving partners will find they are facing unexpected challenges. It can be very helpful to know a few things about the way couples experience and cope with infertility.
It has often been observed that men and women do not go through infertility and treatment in the same way. Women usually experience more distress than men, and they also experience it much sooner. As one female patient said, "I think my husband is about a year behind me in emotional reactions!" While all couples are different, this emotional time difference is not uncommon, and it can lead to conflicts between a husband and wife who are surprised and upset to find out they are not in the same place about the infertility.
Another gender difference is that women, on whom the major burden for treatment falls, cannot easily escape from the pressure of the situation, even at work. Women are very aware of drug effects, appointments they have to keep, and where they are in their cycles. Husbands, on the other hand, can escape more easily from the pressure, by going to work and focusing on other things. Another difference is that women usually need to talk about the infertility a lot more than their husbands do. Women are much more likely than their husbands to talk about negative outcomes ("it won't work") and alternate plans ("we should think about adoption"). Husbands tend to hold on to positive thinking for longer, and worry that their wives are overly pessimistic and jumping ahead too quickly. Neither approach is better; they are just different and reflect two emotional timetables. The big challenge for the couple is to respect and accept their differences and to keep talking to each other about what they are thinking or feeling.
Don't allow the experience of infertility to turn into a wedge between you. Keep the communication line open. If you are very upset, wait before you launch into a discussion. Set a time to talk and decide on a length of time. Women need to know their husbands will be available to listen, and men need to know the discussion will have a beginning and an end. Men, who are more oriented to problem solving, find it hard to believe that just listening to their wives is helpful, but it is. Try to be as clear as you can about what you think, feel, and need from your partner. Your spouse cannot read your mind.
It is not a disaster if you disagree at times. It is actually quite normal. You are facing some important decisions about how to build a family. These decisions touch on many aspects of your lives, including your finances, your relationships with others, perhaps your jobs, and certainly your relationship with each other. It may take a while to resolve, but remember that no one goes through the experience of infertility forever. Keep your sense of humor in working order. (Even infertility has its weirdly funny moments.) Treat each other well. You both need additional TLC. Call on your reserves of patience and tact. Go out on a date. Decide that you will do at least one thing together each week that is fun. Finally, if you think you need some additional help, don't hesitate to ask your physician for a referral to a counselor who has expertise with couples going through infertility.
You have nothing to apologize for, this site was made for US. Its really hard to put into words what we are going through, depression at times, loneliness, dispair...all kinds of emotions...So don't apologize, just know that if you continue to put your FAITH in HIM, it will come to pass. Stay prayerful..Please keep me posted on your progress.
BIG HuGZ
Juana
BIG HuGZ
Juana
OH MY GOSH!!! this article has described my husband and I to the exact. He always tells me things are going to be alright, after every failed attempt. He is always so positive when moving on to the next step. Me on the other hand all I can think about is failure, what if's, maybe it's not meant to be. Today to be exact while I am in the bed from my retrieval he had our construction friend, who might I say did a wonderful job last year up grading our home, over trying to see if we can add an additional room upstairs. Then he has a meeting with another one of our friends about putting our house on the market for the possibility of moving to a larger home. Me, I'm thinking what if we don't need the extra room.This is soooo hard for me. I am ashamed. Everyone on this site will probably hate me for saying this, but sometimes I feel like maybe GOD is telling me to be happy with my family ( I have 3 boys, 9,11,16) They are all pretty self sufficient, My husband and I do not share any children. I had 2 and we have full custody of my step son, who we consider all to be ours. Please don't ge me wrong I really want a baby, I just feel guiltysometimes because I read so many post with women who have not had the joy of being a mother 3 times, and I think why are you doing this??
Sorry for all the extra but just had to get it out. This experience has been a difficult one for me personally as a women. I feel like I should have taken better care of myself in the past.
Sorry for all the extra but just had to get it out. This experience has been a difficult one for me personally as a women. I feel like I should have taken better care of myself in the past.
Very thoughtful of you to share. It is so true how the men are able to escape much easier than we are.
I'll have a bad sleep one night and my husband will ask "Why didn't you sleep well? Do you have anything on your mind?"... YES I HAVE SOMETHING ON MY MIND! All the time every day! He means well but sometimes I want to scream :)
Thanks,
Stacey
I'll have a bad sleep one night and my husband will ask "Why didn't you sleep well? Do you have anything on your mind?"... YES I HAVE SOMETHING ON MY MIND! All the time every day! He means well but sometimes I want to scream :)
Thanks,
Stacey
Yeah I know...i couldn't fit it all in one post. that's why I labeled it part one and part two. I printed this out and gave to DH when we first started and it helped a lot.
and yes, this is from my wonderfulr fertility center!
and yes, this is from my wonderfulr fertility center!
Juana...this is great. I actually found the web site and it had even more things to say about how to manage relationships w/family and friends.
I'm guessing this is the site you got it from? Hopefully MedHelp allows this posting
http://www.fcionline.com/counselingservices_survivingyourinfertility.htm
I'm guessing this is the site you got it from? Hopefully MedHelp allows this posting
http://www.fcionline.com/counselingservices_survivingyourinfertility.htm
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