how do I deal w/my evil mother in law!

[ALT76]

This probably isn't the right place for this, but I figure you gals know me pretty well by now, & most of my friends are guys or aren't married so they don't really understand.

So my MIL & I have never really gotten along, & they are coming to visit this Thurs. I'm always being accused of harboring my negative feelings for her, & letting them come up in small ways by making cutting remarks, so I just sent her an email to get everything off my chest before she gets here. She is VERY self-absorbed & selfish -she's the type of person you can tell is NOT listening to a word you're saying, only waiting for you to pause so she can take over the conversation again & talk about herself. This is a woman who bought a brand new BMW 4 mo before our wedding & then said she had no money to help w/our wedding.  Meanwhile, she NEVER DROVE IT!!! It sat in her driveway for over 2 years and had less than 1000 miles on it. So my parents helped us, who have remortgaged their house so many times to pay for my 3 sisters to go to school, that they won't have it paid off til their 80's (but my MIL has almost 1 million in the bank and no mortgage!!! But of course, no money to help w/the wedding!)

Anyway, I digress... that's just a SMALL sampling of the kind of person she is.  The thing I'm upset about is that she does not give a flying f*#k about the creation of her future grandchild.  She could absolutely care less.  She never asks how it's going, & even if we tell her something serious is going on, she never bothers to find out how things went. I even emailed her earlier this wk about my low numbers & how this was our first possible chance...do you think she bothered to find out what happened?  NO!!! I just feel like even the women on this forum who I've never met care more about my future baby than she does, & it's really hurtful to me. I know I can't change her, that she will always be COMPLETELY self-absorbed, but it still hurts.

[Devoted_Wife]

My MIL is completely horrible. Me and her used to be pretty close. That is until my husband proposed to me on Christmas Eve. As soon as he told her the plan she was super pissed. She texted me and said that she thought it would be best for me not to come home and that me and my husband should split for a while. Well needless to say i came home anyway, he proposed and of course i accepted. Now things between us are so horrible. She repeatedly calls me a *****, and a stupid ***** etc, threatened to kick my ***. She has even on several occasions told my husband that I've cheated on him. She tried to have me arrested several times for trespassing, even though my husband owns the house we live in. She allows her 13 year old son, my husbands youngest brother bad mouth me, call me a ***** and everything else, they tell me im not wanted and no one likes me and that i need to move. They say im a gold digger and that my husband was stupid for not getting a prenup. She told my husband that it was either his family or me and when he told them both that i wasnt going anywhere they were both very mad and started a huge arguement. She talks about me to my cousin and his girlfriend about me, trying to turn them against me and has also told my husbands family that they should help her get rid of me. She talks bad about my mother, who is the only parent i have. She talks about my father and how his passing was a blessing, and that if he was still around i would be an even worse person. After everything ive done for her and her youngest, im the most horrible person in the world. She wore a black dress and a black veil to our wedding. At the reception she announced to everyone including my family that this was the worst and stupidest thing that has ever happened to her son and that im going to do nothing but ruin his life. How am i supposed to handle this? I'm at a loss for words at this point when it comes to her.

[Kris91]

In-law come in many forms.  Some have great ones that don't cause any problems, others only do minor things, and some are toxic.  Yours are toxic, and if they are toxic, then they should be out of your life and out of your child's life.  Would you expose yourself or your child to paint fumes or try to avoid them?  Sure, the fumes won't kill you or your child, but they certainly aren't good for you.  The same goes for your MIL.  Sure, she won't kill you or your child, but you shouldn't be around her for your general health.  The idea of "keeping the peace because they're family" is so overrated.  Should people who are abused keep the peace because their abuser is family?  That's what this is, emotional abuse, plain and simple.  If your husband wants to see her, that's his business, but you're an adult with the right to say no.  

[willsmom]

While I am very sympathetic to your circumstances about your MIL being a "you-know-what", I can't help but think that you knew what you were getting yourself into before you married your dh.  I'm sure he is WONDERFUL but I know from experience that you don't just marry the man, you marry the family.  I agree with Peekawho in that you should just TRY to get along, for the sake of your dh and future child(ren)  Ignore her comments, brush them off and be the better person.  Of course she's mean and rotten in a lot of ways, but from what I gathered, you don't have to see her very often as it is, so just be NICE.  Bite your tongue (literally) if you have to.  No matter how you wish she would be, she is what she is and you are not going to change her.  It took me a long time to figure this out about my own in-laws and my parents.  Once you accept that you won't change her no matter what you do, life will be more tolerable around her.  Plus, I really think the email was a bad idea.  No matter how much we think that "getting things off our chests" will help, it usually doesn't, especially with someone who is that self-absorbed.  I could tell you horror stories about my dad and his narcisstic behavior but it would take all night.  I've finally learned to be around him as little as possible and to NEVER criticize him in front of my son.  Also, when by chance I am around him, I am NICE and never give him any information that he can ever use against me or bring up against me in the future.  That's just how he is and I've come to accept it for what it is and not dwell on how I wish it would be, could be, should be, etc.  You get the picture.

I hope everything smooths over with your MIL.  Just remember that without her, you wouldn't have your dh so at least she was good for something...lol!

Good luck!

[ALT76]

For the record, this woman is NUTS and deliberately mean to me.  I keep trying to be nice and trying to forgive her, but she hurts me over and over again.  This is someone who I confided in shortly after DH and I were married about my horrible past with an extremely physically and emotionally abusive boyfriend.  I was only 19 when I was w/him (12 yrs ago), and told her of the difficulties of leaving him. About a month later at a Passover Seder at her house, at a dinner table full of about 10 people I didn't know, she randomly and awkwardly brings up the topic of battered women, and persists w/the topic even though I am clearly uncomfortable and about to burst into tears.  She then proceeds to say at the top of her lungs "and these women who are with these guys and just stay and stay... THEY DISGUST ME!!" - I left the table and spent 2 hours under a small awning on her porch in the rain, crying to my sisters on my cell phone.  I sent her a long letter detailing why I was so hurt and it took her a WEEK to respond.  She didn't even call me - my husband had to call her to find out what was up.  Her only response was that she never remembered me telling her anything like that, even though I confided in her on two separate occassions and gave her LOTS of details.

More recently over the holidays, we were sitting around and David and I were going on about the difficulties we were having conceiving and the dr's and procedures, etc...  She replied "Well for me it was great - both times I went off the pill and got pregnant the VERY FIRST MONTH!"  - She had forgotten that when David and I were just dating (LONG before TTC and back when she was still kind of nice to me), in an awkward moment I admit, she was going through some things and found her BBT journal - and showed me pages and pages and PAGES of the months and months (possibly YEARS) they were trying for each child - detailing their difficulties!!!!  I was BEYOND upset!  She deliberately says these things to hurt me and she's crazy.  The funny thing is, I will try and try to be nice to her for the sake  of my dh, and then she will **** all over me and I'll be upset w/her.  She THINKS I'm standoffish because I just don't like her (which is true but I do try to hide it) - she has NO idea how much she hurts me.  Well, she said we'll talk about it when she gets here, and she has NO idea what she's in for - because these are only 2 stories of the ones that I have collected almost once a month in the 7+ yrs my dh and I have been together!

[SDteacher]

Holy sh%t!!!!!!   I think we have the same MIL!!!!!  I am in the same predictament!  (spelling) ?Really!

[myrasue34]

what is it with men and not being able to stand up to their mothers? My MIL can do NO WRONG. Arg

[ALT76]

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone ladies!  OH THE DRAMA!!!....

I just got a call from dh, and even though he approved my email and told me to send it, once he talked to his mom he backed down as usual.  He wanted me to send it because he felt the same way too, and I was very careful not to call her any names or attack her, I simply stated the situation and told her I was hurt by it. Now she's crying and freaking out and is playing the victim and says she doesn't want to come.  So now I have to call HER and fix it!  A bunch of BS I tell ya.  I am NOT apologizing!!  I simply told her the truth - that everyone else we know, including neighbors, seem to care more about what's going on with the baby situation than she does and it hurts.  If she can't handle that, it's not my problem (the truth hurts!).  And if she doesn't want to come, I'm sure dh will be a little pissed but maybe if he stood up to her and told her how he felt every once and a while, I wouldn't have to stick up for us both and be the scapegoat.  I'm the bad guy for voicing what her son feels too.  Whatever...

[peekawho]

Emails should come with a DELAY button for sending.  

This woman is part of your family for a long time to come.  It will be up to you to be the better person for the sake of your upcoming family.  There are so many dysfunctional families already.  Why start out making enemies of your childrens grandmother, and forcing your husband to be in the position of go-between?

If she not at your house every day, just suck it up and be nice.  That's my opinion.  Very few women adore their mother in laws, but if everyone plays nice, cordiality can be easily maintained.  

She will never forget your email, and will never stop trotting it out when need be, if that's the kind of person she wants to be.  

Oh...and start drinking heavily before the visit.  Trust me, it helps.  Stop before you get mean.  

[Tanker Chic]

How sad... I really like my in-laws and think it would be so sad if we didn't get along..

The only thing I can recommend is to stop expecting better from her and then you won't be disappointed.. You know she is only capable of so much..  you go to her when you need the support of a friend/mother figure but then you are upset when she doesn't meet you expectations, which you probably aren't surprised by... I'm sure it sucks because you want her to care about what is going on in your life, but it has to be her that wants it...

Sorry... i'm sure family problems are the last thing you need right now..  

[tina1111]

Sometimes you can catch more flies with honey, as they say. I have found the old "kill them with kindness" approach can be fun. Just be overly sweet and agree to everything. Hang on her every word with a smile. Lots of "Oh mys" and "you amaze mes", lol. After you are safely behind a closed door, count to 10 and take deep breaths. Don't give her a chance to be hateful. What ever it is, you feel the same. It's hard to argue with someone who agrees with everything you say and do. Hopefully the visit is a short one and you won't have to deal with it for long. Let it roll off of your back and count the minutes until she's gone. If this isn't the right way for you and her. Maybe you should book her a room at a hotel nearby and tell her you just don't have the extra money to put her up. Extra food, electricity, water, etc. Tell her you spent all your extra money on the wedding and are still trying to catch up, lol.

[babyprayers]

I can 100% relate.. and while I will not take up your post to tell my story, I havent expressed my vent to anyone on here yet because its painful to talk about.. My MIL is satan in disguise. I loved her like my own mom  my mom passed away and she again and again hurt me.. anyway.. I had to deal with it because I love my DH. so for the sake of my DH i deal with her.. sometimes I make cutting remarks to let her know I am on to her and know what she is doing.. sometimes I have very little contact with her, sort of hard as we live on the same block, and other times, I just am down right rude.. sorry you have to go thru this, but try to get along for the sake of your DH

[javajess]

You should give me her number, she would get along GREAT with my MIL!!!!!!

Selfish is this woman's middle name!  Funny about the BMW, my MIL went to Aruba before our wedding and told us the same story about not having any money for a wedding gift, which was really okay because we don't want anything from her.  

My DH's father left her for another woman when my DH and his twin sister were 13 and the man never looked back!  She has been resentful and hateful for the past 22 years, sometimes I feel sad for her but she doesn't have a loving/motherly bone in her body.  I truely believe that she doesn't have the ability to care about another human being....except for herself of course!!!!

Makes me appreciate my mother EVEN more, and realize how fortunate I am that I have a wonderful caring mother.

My only advice to you is the less contact, the better for your sanity.
Good luck!!!!!