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Why does it have to be so hard???
Hi dear friends
My name is Maria and I am going through fertility hell too (for years). You don't know me and I don't know you.
I just want to say that it is so wonderful that there are so many women here to listen if any of us want to talk.
I have read many of your stories and my heart just broke for many of you. I know you have friends who have "been there" and are there to support you, but I understand that maybe that isn't what we need right now.
Maybe we need someone who hasn't been successful yet. Maybe we need to talk to someone who may never be successful or if she is, not with her own eggs.
We try to listen and understand each other. Sometimes it's hard to be understood, even our hubbies don't understand us. I just want to say to each and everyone of us:
- It's not our fault, we have done nothing wrong. Sometimes life is just plain unfair and cruel.
- Many of us have worked very hard to have a child. We deserve to have a child. We deserve a child that is the genetic as well as the biological offspring of us and our husband's.
- It is so hard to hear our doctor tell us that our chances are low. I have heard those words and I have thought, "You are wrong! It can't be, not after all we have been through, not after how hard I have worked! Keep trying. Please - maybe you missed something. You must have missed something."
- And what's up with the 40-somethings who are given a 1% chance, produce one embryo and . . . have a baby?! Why not me?! Why not you?!
I don't know why it has to be so hard.... I wish I could fix it too. I'm sorry.
My name is Maria and I am going through fertility hell too (for years). You don't know me and I don't know you.
I just want to say that it is so wonderful that there are so many women here to listen if any of us want to talk.
I have read many of your stories and my heart just broke for many of you. I know you have friends who have "been there" and are there to support you, but I understand that maybe that isn't what we need right now.
Maybe we need someone who hasn't been successful yet. Maybe we need to talk to someone who may never be successful or if she is, not with her own eggs.
We try to listen and understand each other. Sometimes it's hard to be understood, even our hubbies don't understand us. I just want to say to each and everyone of us:
- It's not our fault, we have done nothing wrong. Sometimes life is just plain unfair and cruel.
- Many of us have worked very hard to have a child. We deserve to have a child. We deserve a child that is the genetic as well as the biological offspring of us and our husband's.
- It is so hard to hear our doctor tell us that our chances are low. I have heard those words and I have thought, "You are wrong! It can't be, not after all we have been through, not after how hard I have worked! Keep trying. Please - maybe you missed something. You must have missed something."
- And what's up with the 40-somethings who are given a 1% chance, produce one embryo and . . . have a baby?! Why not me?! Why not you?!
I don't know why it has to be so hard.... I wish I could fix it too. I'm sorry.
Best Answer
Hi, I will be glad to answer all your questions. It happened on my second try. I was disappointed with the first transfer and knew it did not work before the blood test because I took a HPT and it was negative. I had alot of cramping with the first transfer but got a BFN. With my second transfer, I was very relaxed and did not stress throughout the TWW, plus it was a day 6 transfer (the embies were already hatching)...It was funny because I had very slight cramping and I also had implantation spotting..when I saw that I knew I was pregnant. The next morning I did the HPT (I think on the 5th day after my transfer) and it was negative...so I threw it in the trash and when down stairs to cook breakfast. After breakfast, something told me to look at the HPT again. I took it out the trash and it had a very faint second line. So the next morning, I took another HPT and this time I watched it for a while and I saw the very faint line appear and I was soooooo happy! I can not describe to you how happy I was deep down in my soul..I did the blood test several days later and I got a BFP! Ladies, we have all waited soooo long.....when you get that first ever BFP you are going to be filled with so much joy! I pray that you all experience the feeling I felt. I am now 29 week pregnant with our little girl with a fast approaching due date of July 25. Yes, I am in love with her already and get nervous at every OB appointment. I will not be comfortable until I am holding her in my arms. So ladies, like I said before...never give up on your dream of having your baby. God knows our heart and knows we will all be excellent mothers. Please keep me posted on your progress. Best of luck and tons of baby dust to you!!!!!!
We are all here to help each other through our TTC times. I will definitely be here to support and help you during your next cycle, I know how hard it can be. Please keep me posted on your progress, Silvana.
Your post has given me such hope and positive energy to go on...
As you said we should never give up on our dreams and we need to believe that someday somehow it will happen for all of us!
Most women don't really think about fertility issues because having a child comes so easily. But when you spend years and lots of money trying to build a family that is when you really start to question your motives and perhaps learn some things about yourself that did not know before...
My problem is that sometimes I totally lose faith to myself and body (feel useless and that I did not deserve a child) and cannot be optimistic.
When I am in my next cycle, I will definitely need your support and help.
Thank you
M xxx
As you said we should never give up on our dreams and we need to believe that someday somehow it will happen for all of us!
Most women don't really think about fertility issues because having a child comes so easily. But when you spend years and lots of money trying to build a family that is when you really start to question your motives and perhaps learn some things about yourself that did not know before...
My problem is that sometimes I totally lose faith to myself and body (feel useless and that I did not deserve a child) and cannot be optimistic.
When I am in my next cycle, I will definitely need your support and help.
Thank you
M xxx
Hi there!
I am sooo sorry your cycle did not work. We have so many hopes everytime and always feel that this is going to be our successful cycle and it is so heartbreaking when we find out it really did not work...
However, since you had 2 ectopics in the past, this means that you can! get pregnant, your eggs are good so please don't give up.
I think a meeting with your doctor will give you new hope and help you decide on your next steps...
Take care my dear
M xxx
I am sooo sorry your cycle did not work. We have so many hopes everytime and always feel that this is going to be our successful cycle and it is so heartbreaking when we find out it really did not work...
However, since you had 2 ectopics in the past, this means that you can! get pregnant, your eggs are good so please don't give up.
I think a meeting with your doctor will give you new hope and help you decide on your next steps...
Take care my dear
M xxx
Well my positive attitude did not help this time around... my results yesterday were negative! I can't express how depressed and disappointed i feel! Like u my husband also has a child from his previous marriage and unfortunately his child and I really don't get along very well which makes me very sad, the less said on that topic the better... it is is so horrible because i have so many nieces and nephews and i love them so much and we get along so well and although we live in different countries they are still my babies... It has been so hard hearing the news my family does not live here so it is very difficult to grieve... I feel it for my husband as well as he has to help me get through this and also his son doesn;t live here either... as summer approaches i know he will be with us for a few weeks and i am really dreading it, i don;'tknow how i am going to get through it... sorry to babble but i have so much on my mind...
I guess the next step is take my 2 iciles out and put them in my oven! hopefully that;ll happen in another month or so... we saw our doc on the 25th but we really want to go before so we;ll see...
Thanks again for listening/reading...
I guess the next step is take my 2 iciles out and put them in my oven! hopefully that;ll happen in another month or so... we saw our doc on the 25th but we really want to go before so we;ll see...
Thanks again for listening/reading...
Mybabypooh congratulations! you must be really happy and excited. There are so many things I want to ask you. Did it happen from the 1st try of using DE? When is your baby due? I am sure you are already in love with your baby, imagine when he/she is born!
Take care xxx
Take care xxx
I really hope we soon find our perfect match donors and we become pregnant.
In the end, what we really want is to have our own child to raise and to have someone to love and to care for. :)
In the end, what we really want is to have our own child to raise and to have someone to love and to care for. :)
All I can say is WOW!!!...Ladies, you all have really said so much. I truly understand the need for a child. As women, we are born with motherly instinct and we always want to nurture, we want a child..that is just part of our purpose in life and when that void is not filled it can be very painful! I agree, there is nothing that can replace that empty space of not having a child...I have tons of nieces and nephews but I've always wanted my very own. We've tried to conceive for over 5 years and finally it happened for us. We had to use donor eggs because I did not respond to the IVF meds and did not produce enough eggs. But, this our first for me and my husband and we are both 43. I really wish you all the best of luck!! Never give up on your dream:-)
I think you have every reason to be positive and I really hope this works for you. You must be really excited to know your result on Monday. I must say that I really admire you for not testing. :))
Friendship over here is very honest, we can show our true feelings and express ourselves and nobody is judgemental. Actually I am not on a cycle right now, but I find it really comforting to share experiences with other people going through the same problems.
My hubby has a child from a previous marriage so the 'need' for a child is not so strong for him as it is for me.
Friendship over here is very honest, we can show our true feelings and express ourselves and nobody is judgemental. Actually I am not on a cycle right now, but I find it really comforting to share experiences with other people going through the same problems.
My hubby has a child from a previous marriage so the 'need' for a child is not so strong for him as it is for me.
Thanks.. No i am too scared to take a hpt... and since i go for the blood test on Monday i kinda think i can wait it out! i really hope it is bfp too! Families are great i have many nieces and nephews,they are great unfortunately they do not live in the same country as me so i don't get to see them that often... they live in the US and I live in Jamaica but i talk to them all the time, i do miss them and watching them grow... anyway thanks for the best wishes... u take care and thanks for your honest thoughts!
I often wish i had someone to talk to here, who actually understood what i was going through, not even my husband really knows as he already has a child! anyway this forum has been great... I have read alot of the stories i may not respond but i do understand what the ladies are going through!
I often wish i had someone to talk to here, who actually understood what i was going through, not even my husband really knows as he already has a child! anyway this forum has been great... I have read alot of the stories i may not respond but i do understand what the ladies are going through!
COMMUNITY LEADER
I don't know. My first donor was a friend, to bad my RE couldn't do things right. anyway. I just want someone who is young, and maybe tans easily since my DH doesn't, and that doesn't have curly hair. ( i have curly hair, and hate it! ha ha)
I wish you all the best with your cycle and to have a healthy and successful pregnancy. Have you taken a hpt? Do you have your blood test scheduled on 10/5? I really hope you get a BFP. Families are great! I also dream of one.
Hi there!
I live in a small Greek island. Using donor eggs is not very common here (women get married and have children relatively young) and unfortunately clinics in this country do not give you many options as it concerns donors. When my doctor first introduced me to the idea of a donor I did not pay much attention because I really believed that I could have that 'magic cycle' and I would be pregnant. So even when my doctor kept giving me the donor egg speech throughout my 2 IVFS donor eggs was still the backup plan. Now, after 2 failed IVFs (high FSH, LH) and low response to drugs it has become the plan. I have not made any investigation yet but I was told by my doctor that donor women are not Greek but workers from eastern european countries. The whole thing is anonymous and you have to pay for all their medication, health checkup and their fee is just 1000 euros! I have decided that when the time comes I will just ask for a young and healthy and beautiful donor, because other characteristics (intelligence, personality) you just cannot measure. What kind of donor are you looking for?
I live in a small Greek island. Using donor eggs is not very common here (women get married and have children relatively young) and unfortunately clinics in this country do not give you many options as it concerns donors. When my doctor first introduced me to the idea of a donor I did not pay much attention because I really believed that I could have that 'magic cycle' and I would be pregnant. So even when my doctor kept giving me the donor egg speech throughout my 2 IVFS donor eggs was still the backup plan. Now, after 2 failed IVFs (high FSH, LH) and low response to drugs it has become the plan. I have not made any investigation yet but I was told by my doctor that donor women are not Greek but workers from eastern european countries. The whole thing is anonymous and you have to pay for all their medication, health checkup and their fee is just 1000 euros! I have decided that when the time comes I will just ask for a young and healthy and beautiful donor, because other characteristics (intelligence, personality) you just cannot measure. What kind of donor are you looking for?
Your posts are so true, beautifully said! My husband I have been trying for 4 years, I have had 2 ectopics one leading to major surgery... my husband has one child from a previous marriage and I so want us to have a family! I agree we have to be thankful for what we do have but there is just something that tugs at you inside to want to have a child or children... We have just completed our first IVF cycle and awaiting pregnancy test on 10/5 so just a couple more days.. it is so expensive in my country to do this so i really pray this works, i have been very positive throughout and still am..
I wish you and all the other ladies the best of luck, stay positive and keeping dreaming of a wonderful, healthy and happy family.
I wish you and all the other ladies the best of luck, stay positive and keeping dreaming of a wonderful, healthy and happy family.
COMMUNITY LEADER
WoW! That was wonderfully said! I have tears in my eyes! I spend my 20's and early 30's trying everything not to get pregnant... Now, it seem to be the only thing I can think of. I have a lot of wonderful things in my life too. Nothing I can complain about actually... and yet I have a whole the size of Texas in my heart that it seems only a child can fill. Where do you live? I know, using donor eggs can be sooo expensive, and we will be using the donor egg through the clinic so we do not have to pay a donor agency fee on top of the donor compensation fee...
Dear April,
You are absolutely right in what you are saying, there is anger and frustration in me and I know I should appreciate life as it is and be thankful for the things we've got (especially me because I have got a lot :). I can choose to notice what is working, instead of what is not working. And I know that life with children is not one big happy moment since there are so many sacrifices that need to be made.... I do agree that life is not over, but how come I was never so broken hearted when my 1st DH left me, found out I had cancer, got fired from a job? I just went on and managed well. Why is it so hard to imagine a life without children? Why can't I just say, 'Well it didn't work. I can be happy living child-free'? Why is it so important for most of us that we keep on trying and trying?
I really wish I had a good answer. I just know that the pain, the grief and the fear of infertility are so real. I just want to have children more than I have ever wanted anything else in my life - nothing can substitute this longing. And still I cannot answer why it is so important. For us women it must be instinct - we just do want childern like we want food, water etc. It must be in the programming of our genes. Or maybe not. Either way, I don't know what else to do at this point other than keep trying so maybe it doesn't matter why I want to be a mom so badly. I just do.
But you are right. I also have to struggle to find happiness without a child. It is not easy I know, but if I decide that I cannot be happy unless I have a baby and in the end I don't succeed, then there is no place to go except despair.
You are absolutely right in what you are saying, there is anger and frustration in me and I know I should appreciate life as it is and be thankful for the things we've got (especially me because I have got a lot :). I can choose to notice what is working, instead of what is not working. And I know that life with children is not one big happy moment since there are so many sacrifices that need to be made.... I do agree that life is not over, but how come I was never so broken hearted when my 1st DH left me, found out I had cancer, got fired from a job? I just went on and managed well. Why is it so hard to imagine a life without children? Why can't I just say, 'Well it didn't work. I can be happy living child-free'? Why is it so important for most of us that we keep on trying and trying?
I really wish I had a good answer. I just know that the pain, the grief and the fear of infertility are so real. I just want to have children more than I have ever wanted anything else in my life - nothing can substitute this longing. And still I cannot answer why it is so important. For us women it must be instinct - we just do want childern like we want food, water etc. It must be in the programming of our genes. Or maybe not. Either way, I don't know what else to do at this point other than keep trying so maybe it doesn't matter why I want to be a mom so badly. I just do.
But you are right. I also have to struggle to find happiness without a child. It is not easy I know, but if I decide that I cannot be happy unless I have a baby and in the end I don't succeed, then there is no place to go except despair.
Hi Melissa,
I am in the same position as you right now, I look forward to starting my next cycle with donor eggs. I have to have another test/exam first and then I will move on to donor eggs.
I have a myoma/fibroid in my uterus and I kind of worry wheather this could affect implantation even with donor eggs.
Also, in my country you do not even get a picture of the donor, they just give you general information and their health history. It is too expensive for me to travel to find a donor so I have to compromise to that also.
I wish to both of us success xxxxxxxxx
I am in the same position as you right now, I look forward to starting my next cycle with donor eggs. I have to have another test/exam first and then I will move on to donor eggs.
I have a myoma/fibroid in my uterus and I kind of worry wheather this could affect implantation even with donor eggs.
Also, in my country you do not even get a picture of the donor, they just give you general information and their health history. It is too expensive for me to travel to find a donor so I have to compromise to that also.
I wish to both of us success xxxxxxxxx
I think what you posted is lovely... I have never fallen pregnant my whole life, and Ive never used contraception either... careless for a few years I know but I was young... but since then I have had 4 serious relationships since the age of 18... and never concieved...
About 5 years ago I realised something wasnt normal... and even now I still cant concieve... there is nothing medically wrong with me... it just doesnt happen... and if I cant concieve in my younger years then I dread to think that now, approaching my 30's, what luck I have to come...
Its like someone tears your heart out everyday.... I am a woman, yet my body just wont work... its heartbreaking...
This forum helps me through it though as we all have eachother and its lovely...
unless people have problems themselves, they dont understand...
baby dust to everyone! xxxxxxx
About 5 years ago I realised something wasnt normal... and even now I still cant concieve... there is nothing medically wrong with me... it just doesnt happen... and if I cant concieve in my younger years then I dread to think that now, approaching my 30's, what luck I have to come...
Its like someone tears your heart out everyday.... I am a woman, yet my body just wont work... its heartbreaking...
This forum helps me through it though as we all have eachother and its lovely...
unless people have problems themselves, they dont understand...
baby dust to everyone! xxxxxxx
Hi Maria, I know how you feel. I did 2 IVFs and it didnt work and i have been trying for 6 years... but life is not over becuase you dont have a child, there is so many things in life you can focuse and be happy.
I feel a lot anger and frustation in you and I do undestand but you need to take 2 steps back and ask yourself:
Am i lucky in life?
Am i healthy?
do i have a job?
Do i have a nice family who loves me?
is my husband a good man?
does my husband love me?
Am i happy in life?
You have a nice husband and remember they get tired of hearing the same thing over and over.
Life is not unfair and cruel because of not having a baby. You can help a lot of people around you, pets, kids, family.
I have no kids but i have a lovely husband and cat and dog and we are a family!...we love each other and do good things for our comunity and for our family kids.
I wish luck but remember do not get obsese. you can turn your life in a positive way to yourself and others.
this is for everybody who is goingt though this IVF and other kind of treatment...Life is beautiful, we are lucky to live in a great community. i had travel a lot and i have seen my share of disgrace around the world and trust me you all are lucky woman just to have family and husband who loves you!...
God bless you all !
I feel a lot anger and frustation in you and I do undestand but you need to take 2 steps back and ask yourself:
Am i lucky in life?
Am i healthy?
do i have a job?
Do i have a nice family who loves me?
is my husband a good man?
does my husband love me?
Am i happy in life?
You have a nice husband and remember they get tired of hearing the same thing over and over.
Life is not unfair and cruel because of not having a baby. You can help a lot of people around you, pets, kids, family.
I have no kids but i have a lovely husband and cat and dog and we are a family!...we love each other and do good things for our comunity and for our family kids.
I wish luck but remember do not get obsese. you can turn your life in a positive way to yourself and others.
this is for everybody who is goingt though this IVF and other kind of treatment...Life is beautiful, we are lucky to live in a great community. i had travel a lot and i have seen my share of disgrace around the world and trust me you all are lucky woman just to have family and husband who loves you!...
God bless you all !
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