Relationships when TTC

[cure65roses]

As you all well know, this TTC stuff can be sooo extremely stressful.  My relationship with my dh is sufferring because of it. He thinks we should take some time off from all this, but my heart tells me no and my eggs at the age of 35 are borderline as it is.

I am just wandering if there's anything anybody can recommend to help get things back on track with my dh, and hopefully get both our spirits back up again.

I am 2 dpiui and i am afraid if i don't do something to work things out with him he may not be game for all this much longer.  And he has no kids of his own so i feel the pressure that it's now or never!  But both our attitudes have sucked lately and i really don't know what to do!

[gokuangel]

I agree with the girls just take a small break or go on a mini vacation and dont talk about TTC! I know its very frustrating i was taking fertility vitamins and TTC and my relationship took a toll cus all i could talk about and think about was when my AF was supposed to come and hoping it wouldnt then in August i was forced to go the dr for bad candida infection and found out my pap is bad so now im forced to be taking a break probably gonna be a total of 6 months by the time i get bk in the game! but it has given me a chance to relax and focus on stuff that is most important right at the moment my health and getting settled in a new home. Although i do feel different on here now cus it no baby talk at the moment for me!! Relax have fun and GL!!

[krushing]

(((HUGS)))  I know how frustrating it is for you!  I wish you and hubby the strength to get through this.

[SueGre]

((Hugs))

[kikicoates78]

((HUGS))

[Cill190]

This is the best post I've read, this is SOOOO true. I understand the pressure of wanting something so bad that it consumes your thoughts. I've learned from my marriage that just because their my thoughts doesn't mean I NEED to express them aloud. Every time you feel a cramp, or have an apt., spot bleed, or even have backache, he doesn't need to hear about them. Guys are not made emotionally like us, they don't need to talk about "The Baby" all the time. I'm also not understanding this whole process of over stimulating our husbands. There are only a few days a month to get pregnant, only a few. Why are some of us bd our husbands to death? They are not going to appreciate performing on demand. I totally understand that certain windows must be meet but the other weeks it should be just for fun. I let my hubby know the window days and I don't bring it up again until the morning of, just a little friendly reminder, after that there's NO pressure the rest of the month. I take my medicine in private, including injections and I don't discuss the process unless he asks. I talk about ultrasound day BUT I keep it brief. This NON pressure enviroment has keep us going without fighting. The only problem I have is when he's too tired and I can start to read this in my husband and we head upstairs for a quick visit and then the rest of the night he can relax. One thing I totally agree with is that you should NEVER FORCE any procedure, sex, or anything else onto your husband. What good is a baby if your marriage starts falling apart?

[candie429]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I think we've all been at points during our TTC journeys where we feel like it's starting to interfere in our happiness.  Having a family is something that most of us dream about our entire lives and it's so hard to accept that it's not going to be as easy as we thought.  When you both want something so badly and it's not happening, it's hard to just forget about it and take a break.  But, it's important to find that balance between TTC and still enjoying your life together and being grateful for the blessings that you do have in your lives.  Last summer we hit a point where we had cancelled our vacation because we thought we'd be pregnant (but weren't) and were planning pretty much everything around TTC and we realized that was no way to live.  Trust me, we certainly haven't given up on it, and it's still there everyday, but it's important to remember that you love each other and you are in this together.  

I know you feel like you are letting him down and time is ticking away (I feel like that sometimes too), but with the IUI, it seems like maybe he's beating himself up now too.  Our men certainly like to act tough for us, but I would bet that he's really down on himself because his SA isn't perfect and it's leading to what he feels is an unnatural way to do this.  Have you tried to get him to talk about this?  I bet that's why he's more hesitant.

I love your prayer request, you put it perfectly.  I always keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.  I wish it didn't have to be so hard for so many.  Take care and I hope things get better.  Maybe this IUI did the trick!  :)

[jmh2005]

I agree with all of you. My husband and I have been having a rough time. Basically our problem is that I don't feel that "into" sex anymore. And I was starting to feel unattractive. Its soo hard and stressful.

[cure65roses]

Thanks.  My hubby still hasn't  come around yet, but i am hanging in there.  It's not that he doesn't want to try but he's a bit against the IUI process because it's "not natural" and means more work for him...  

My dr. has had me taking clomid and trigger shot + iui, with tons of bloodwork and monitoring.  I am seriously considering the clomid this month without IUI. But my hubby's s/a is borderline normal so i think the IUI really may be necessary.  And my dr. says if it's going to work, each month we should become a little more aggressive. And we should be able to achieve pregnancy within 4 months with clomid + iui. So slacking off probably isn't going to help us...  Oh and I had the HSG two months ago which is supposed to increase your fertility for 3 months.  I just don't feel like slacking off right now, is the thing to do.

I am so depressed.  I don't think i could ever forgive myself if i don't have a child for him...  I could kick myself for not trying sooner...

On a more positve and optimistic approach, the good thing is we did IUI last week, so maybe it worked.  (We got into an argument afterward, and didn't bd like we were supposed to though!)

Today we're meeting on our lunch breaks, at the new Cracker Barrell that just opened in town.  Maybe that will cheer him up.

The weekend was a little rough, i keep trying to lift his spirits but he seems so bitter.  But i keep trying, even though i too am frustrated, and I will continue to pray about this, and would appreciate everyones prayers...  I say we all (on the forum) take some time today to say a prayer today, asking God to help with the frustrations of trying to conceive, bless our families, and if it his His will, please bring us a little precious bundle of love, to bond us closer instead of drifting farther apart.

[Latrice414]

Hey ladies, I just wanted to say that life is not fair and im said we all have to go threw this.  Im 32 DF is 30 and has no kids, i have a 13yr old and for some reason he thinks we have all the time in the world, he just dont no the female body at all. We were having lots of problems becuz it became like a job. He doesnt want me doing opks or obsessing over ttc things.  So last month i could not ttc bcuz he was in Georgia, this month i figured i would jus persue sex during the times when i ovulate. I found out this month we have been very active so when it came down to bd on the day i wanted to, he was burned out(i would prefer to bd the day b4 and after ovulation) so we only bd'd the day of ovulation. Of course i didnt tell him i wanted to bd bcuz im ovulating, it does spoil the mood. I no one month he told me mayb we should jus to ivf bcuz he was so frustrated.

35mom, i no its hard and our clocks are ticking, but try talking to him and mayb take a break like he suggested, im not saying like 5 or 8 months but 1-2 months and try to come up with a better approach for ttc.  Good luck, i will keep you in my prayers

[Jess800]

Hi ladies.  I know exactly what you mean!!!!  It is a huge strain on a relationship!!!!  It's all you think of and sex seems so "planned."  I've been doing some reading on this subject.  I read somewhere to agree with DH 1 day per week can be ttc talk- say after dinner or something.  Otherwise it can define your lives!!!  It is really hard to schedule this but I almost think it is necessary to preserve a normal life.  We're going to try it.

[brooklyn_gal]

I think you need to respect your DH and take a little break (1 to 2 months).  Otherwise, you won't have a marriage.  

Hopefully your IUI works and you guys can go back to being there for each other and spend some real one on one time before the baby comes.

The stress is not good for TTC @ all and besides I don't understand how anyone can TTC every single month.  

I understand your biological clock is ticking.  I'm 38 - ttc for over 2 years now.  I'm on my 3rd (& last IVF) after several IUIs.  But even I couldn't do one treatment after another - emotionally or financially.

Through all this, we try not to forget that we both want a child to bring more love into our lives.  But in the end, my relationship w/my DH is most important to me.  

Talk to you DH - try to see it from his point.  It's just as important as yours.  And vice versa.

You should feel blessed to have your boys and finding love again.  I strongly believe that if you are grateful for what you have, what you want comes more easily.  

Good luck!

[Helen72]

I am so very sorry you are going through this.  Ttc puts lots of stress on our relationships.  For us, talking things out and making a ttc plan (i.e. coming up with our next steps for all eventualities) helped us.  Just sit down and discuss how far are you willing to go and talk openly about how you feel about having another child.

Hugs!!

[lmcrt]

Me and my hubby are going through the same thing. We took a mini vacation and just relaxed and didn't think about TTC. Now I am just trying to act relaxed and happy around my DH so I don't get him stressed out. Are libidos are extremely low which makes it hard to TTC because we are both so stressed. We are doing IVF now so sex isn't needed. I just hope once we get pregnant are relationship will go back to normal and so will are sex lives. I'm afraid all this stress has temporarly put a strain on us.