How to get your loved one to understand what you are going through?

[paige1641]

Okay, I am really needing your help!! My boyfriend Chris doesn't really understand what I am going through and he acts like "whatever" when I tell him how bad I am hurting.  We were at dinner the other night with his family and I was talking with his brother's girlfriend who was telling me her mother had fibro too and what she was doing for it and in front of everyone he got loud and obnoxious kind of saying that fibro was some "made up condition" and it really hurt! That was the first time I realized he didn't understand at all and maybe he does think I am crazy.  I was wondering if ya'll had any good ideas on where I could get him some information so he can understand it a little better.  Apparently he thinks I am a hypochondriac, which really makes me mad! I already hear it at work, the chiropractor I work for doesn't really believe in it either, so I can't talk to him either so he is very negative as well...basically I just want Chris to understand so I can have some moral support and understanding, then maybe I won't feel so alone and depressed in my suffering!!

Thanks so much!

[Fibrointhevalley]

I am single but am having the same issues with my dad, uncle and kids (adults). People seem to think that if you cant see the thing causing the pain then it isnt really there. It is so hard when, there are days that I cant get out of bed because the pain is so bad, and nobody really believes me. We need people around us that are supportive. Our mental heath as well as are physical heath depends on it. I hope your boyfriend comes around soon. Good luck.  

[Mandy1mom]

I am going though this my husband does alot to help but doesn't understand how hard this health issuse really is! I have tried everything but it still dont work!

[paige1641]

Thank ya'll so much! This really does help! I will definately have to look up some of these things!  And I didn't mean to be so hard on him, he's good in his ways, he just feels as if I am over-exaggerating, which as you all know is not the case!!

Thanks so much everyone, ya'll are all so great!! :)

Paige

[patsy10]

Oh I think a spouse should know for sure.  I guess what I meant was not to talk about it every day.  I used to cry about it all the time, talk about it all the time etc....It really stressed him.  Now I occasionally will say I was too tired or whatever to do this or that today.  He doesn't care.  He knows for sure what is going on.  We just don't dwell on it and try to live life.

[PlateletGal]

My only concern with not telling your spouse is that in the future you could have some really bad days and need their support (physical - emotional, etc). How are you going to explain to your husband that you are too tired or too much in pain to go grocery shopping ? I think that is why there needs to at least be some understanding & some support before marriage & a family.

[patsy10]

I have found for me that it's better to not say anything at all or very little.  It stresses him out.  Crying tends to stress him (and most men)  out even more.  He's a great guy but I think people handle stress differently.  He does believe me though.

In regards to people not believing.  I think people either believe it or they don't.  It's like religion. I don't really think you can change anyones mind.  Trying to convince people is not going to work. I personally do not even tell people I have this diagnosis.

[Melissa70817]

I found this letter online by typing in "getting family memebers to understand Fibromyalgia" This may help all around you to understand what you are going through or at least know how you feel.  I wish I could help more but I have the same problem with my family members.  I recently lost my 13 year old son, he went to live with his father because he just couldn't deal with me being sick and not spending the time with him that he deserves.  He is angry at me, I am angry also.  FM has totally changed my life, my life is no longer my own.  The things that I took for granted and used to do in my previous life seem like a far fetched memory.  
For you, I hope that you can get your boyfriend to understand but like other posters, I'm not sure he will, not if he has that attitude.  Maybe you can take him to one of your doctor appointments and allow him to ask questions of your doctor.  I wish where were more I could do to help.  good luck and you are in our thoughts.

[PlateletGal]

This is the man in your life and the man you want to marry. I pray for your sake that he comes around, because I couldn't imagine marrying someone who wasn't supportive of me and my illness. There are some really great websites, such as Co-Cure.org, that provide the latest research information on both fibromyalgia and CFS. Also... my website address is listed in my profile. I post a ton of research from numerous sources on these conditions. The research is there... these conditions are very real.

Best,

PlateletGal

[kitty51]

look up wikipedia on the internet and so him that

[Cindee56]

Hi,
I'm so sorry that you are hurting and going through this at such a young age.  First off, make sure you get a second opinion and a good doctor that you trust.

About your boyfriend:  I can tell you that the likelihood is that he won't change his attitude.  I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but I am 52 yrs. old, married 25 yrs. to a man who is very unsympathetic when it comes to sickness or depression, etc. The ironic thing is that he has been sick and went through a terrible depression himself (during which time I was loving and supportive).  You would think he would be understanding, but he isn't.  What he does do is help me with things around the house, i.e. shopping, laundry, dishes, cleaning.  This is the way he copes with it.

My husband just cannot deal with my being sick or in pain.  If I cry, forget it.  He gets mad!  Then I get mad that he dares to be mad at ME, when I am the one suffering.  We go in circles.  I have finally decided, for my own peace of mind, to accept that he is this way and just appreciate that he does all the stuff around the house.  If I say *I'm tired I can't cook,* he is fine with it.  He asks, what can I do?  So this is good.  If I want emotional support, I come on the boards, or I call my sister.  

Honestly, I would like to have a more understanding husband.  It hurts that he seems not to care.  I have talked to him about this so many times.  He says he loves me and he does care.  But this is how it is.  So I would advise you, if this really bothers you, and it seems like it does, to think twice before you get married.  I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm being honest.  You can try counseling, or even just having an honest conversation with your boyfriend, again.  But after you are married, most men get even more set in their ways.  And bringing children into it, well, that's more work for you and if he is not supportive....just give it some thought.

If you ever want to talk, I'm always around.  I probably should have sent this as a private message, but I don't feel like redoing it.  Hope this helps and doesn't upset you.  Take care of yourself.

[luckydzack1]

Hi Paige,
I suggest that you go on the internet & type in fibromyalgia symptoms, or even just fibromyalgia & go to every site one by one & find the one that best describes the monster that we all have to live with day in & day out.
I know it is so hard for people to understand, I have a very supportive husband but he doesn't understand the pain either. But one thing for sure take care of yourself as nobody else will do it for you. So if he wants to do something & you are in to much pain kindly tell him to go & have a good time but you just can't join him at the moment. If you do things to please others you are the one that suffers in the end. I know I have tried to please everyone & it just makes the pains worse & more intense. So everyone else is happy but you are the one that suffers through the pain. Hope this helps some.
Take care