Husband won't get real help for Alcoholism!

Question

My husband has been diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. He has been out of work for over 2 years; let go for temper and mood swings from drinking. He has been in the hospital 3-4 times and has had all the ongoing symptoms for the mid-stages of cirrhosis. He is about 5' 9" and used to weight about 168 lbs. Now he is around 130 lbs. Every time the hospital gets his health under control and he comes home I ask him to get intensive outpatient or inpatient treatment. We are below poverty level because I only make $425.00/week and we have an 8 year old daughter. There are a lot of state/federal funded programs, but he does not want to be there with "those types of people". This is from a bad experience after one rehab experience (was for 14 days - he left after 6). Anyway, he says NO he wants to do it himself by trying hard and going to AA meetings. I've told him that that is obviously not enough because he is not figuring out/understanding/fixing the problems in his head that are associated with all that has happened and his drinking. He went to one councelor three (3) times after I told him to leave if he didn't but the councelor said he could not continue to see him with his severity of the illness and that he needed more intensive care (i.e. inpatient or intensive outpatient). I gave him 1 month to sign up for something and he didn't so I told him to go to his parents until he did. Ten (10) days later he came home for our daughter's birthday and I asked him what he had done and what his plan was - he said he was going to stay and no he had not contacted a place/councelor.

I told him he is not welcome in our home and he should go back to his parents until he commits to his recovery and enrolls with a outpatient or inpatient services. Am I being too harsh? Do I have legal rights for this? I can't have him around the house, not working, wondering if he is going to start drinking and having no outlet or support services. What he is doing with AA and books is fine and definitely part of the recovery - but, even the counselor said - going to AA and stopping drinking is NOT RECOVERY!!!

THoughts and ideas are welcome.

This discussion is related to Cirrhosis, my husband, won't stop drinking, what can I expect???.

Ariom63 · Answer

I really didn't want to post and offend anyone when I say this.....YOU CANNOT HELP SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE HELPED! Plain and simple and it might sound harsh but I have been there.  Not me...but I did have an uncle who died from this horrible disease at 46 yrs age.  He found excuses for everything, which is normal for an addict.  Whether it be alcohol or drugs.  There is no difference in my book.  He drove my aunt insane.....and as sad and tragic was the day he passed, is when my aunt finally started living again.  I you cannot do this for yourself do it for your children!!!!!  No child should have to grow up watching this.  Like I said I am not being cold blooded I just saw how it ripped my dad's family apart.  

Perhaps you feel if you leave he will drink even more and you will feel guilty.  Well...you shouldn't!  

<My prayers are with you and your family. 

Best of luck!

ggreg · Answer

I agree with the above poster, that you should find an apartment that is 1/4 of your income or in the $400-$500 range.  Quit spending your savings.  Instead, one of your bills should be to yourself for savings.  The rest, pay bills and learn to shop with thrift and coupons.  Forget about your husband, the same way he has to forget about drinking.  Focus on something else you like to do, as should he.  

I might suggest instead of telling him to get psych help or inpatient-outpatient stuff, tell him to get a job and take classes at night to upgrade his work situation.  On Saturdays, tell him to go to the YMCA and work out or do some other clean activity, and Sundays to church and then fix lunch for his parents and then rest...he needs it.  That way he'll stay busy.  Tell him as soon as he sends for your daughter 1/4 of his paycheck and the church bulletin for 25 weeks in a row, you'll consider letting him date you again.  As for your daughter, she can go by her grandparents anytime.

I'm also 25 years sober, and when I finally let it go, I had one relapse three months in, and then I got it straight forever.  That's why I say he's gotta be clean and sober for six months, he should be okay then.  I had to choose, too, between family and the drink.  I made the right choice.  I found a spare-time hobby and stuck to it like glue, and of course I climbed the ladder to a better work situation after a few years, and became a respectable human being, bought a house, was happy.  My pain, that I drank for, I learned to forgive people who done me wrong, I learned to forgive myself for all I done, and I apologized to everyone I could think of, either personally or by doing kindnesses for others.

Take something from everyone you talk to and all these posts, and move forward with your life and don't look back.  And don't expect too much from your husband.  Alcohol is a powerful drug, almost impossible to simply walk away from, but once you do, one day at a time, it gets farther and farther away, until it disappears.

FurballsMom · Answer

I don't know why some people won't stop drinking.  I had an uncle, who I didn't know, who wouldn't stop drinking.  As far as I know, out of the numerous aunts and uncles I had, he is the only one who was an alcoholic.  He died because he didn't stop drinking and his liver failed.  I don't know why some people aren't motivated to get the help they need to stop drinking.

As hard as it is financially, it seems like that it's in your daughter's best interests to move on with your life, like you said, and get her out of that toxic environment.  I know the cost of housing is really expensive, but it might be worth moving to a less expensive place, without counting your husband's half of the income, so that you're not dependent on his income.  I know you obviously still love him, but maybe he needs some "tough love" to give him the proper motivation to do what it takes to really stop drinking.

germaine58 · Answer

Oh, one more thing.  The AA counselor told him that going to AA and stopping drinking was not "recovery".  He would need therapy for that to occur.  I will try to go to AlAnon soon, but I'm alone with my daughter.  Was frustrated with some of their philosophy to not blame yourself and realize you can't stop them or make them quit.

Funny part is, I don't blame myself and I know only he can do it.  I just try and point out all the reasons he has to stop and wonder why he doesn't.  It's also frustrating to try and just "move on with my life" when he was 1/2 of our income!  He has been out of work for over 2 years, we are spending our savings and I only make $425/week!  It is impossible to not be completely involved with his illness - it is affecting every aspect of our lives - financially and otherwise.

germaine58 · Answer

He has been going to AA meetings for 1.5 years now.  They are fine, but not enough.  I told him he had to get some counseling - so he started a 1 day a week therapy.  After three sessions they told him they would not see him anymore because his condition with his liver is too great and very serious.  Said he needs intensive outpatient or inpatient.  So, that's where he's at - I sent him to his parents so that he would not drink (won't there - too afraid) and not come back until he is enrolled in professional outpatient or an inpatient facility.  Well, he came back after 10 days for our daughter's birthday with no enrollment and no plans to do so.  I also caught him that night drinking from a litre vodka bottle!!!  I asked him to leave again.  That was 7 days ago, he is at his parents and still has not called any programs or counselors!!!  For the life of me I can't understand why his parents don't force him.  Strange group.  They are enabling his death, by proxy and lack of action.  He knows he will die if he drinks anything - the doctors told him that over a year ago - seems that his daughter and I are not enough to make him stop - not even death.

ksd1952 · Answer

i am a recovering alcoholic of 25 years  you need to go to al anon meetings for yourself  your husband needs the AA  meetings  as we learn in the meetings how to live with out drinking and we learn how 
other people make it through the same things we might be going through
and not have to drink  it is a fellowship and it is a spiritual program not a
religious program

KjFlicka · Answer

I'm so sorry for your situation. That totally s*cks. Does he know that if he continues to drink *at all* it will mean imminent liver failure and/or death?  Make sure he knows how much he has to live for especially for his daughter. Does he really want her to remember him like this or rather a fighter? Another bonus after quitting drinking is that you suddenly have more money. All he needs besides his family and sobriety is the guidance of a hepatologist and he could recover from this. I had just stopped drinking right before I was diagnosed with alcoholic cirrhosis and was able to 'turn it around' for the most part. I hope he gets that if he stops, there is hope. Sometimes when faced with the prospect of death, quitting drinking is not as difficult. At least that was the case with me. Is there something that makes you think he's still drinking?  If not, he needs medical attention before counseling -- totally my opinion, and that's assuming he "got the message". Take care!