Aa
Relentless Nightmare
I hv ulcerative colitis & on Pentasa 500mg since 2 yrs. Happily married but committed the greatest sins ever: Oct10 this year I went / my colleagues to Ger on business visit & went to Koln FKK, I had 2 escorts protected vaginal w/ no defects-unprotected oral/receiver only) - 2nd nite the same but w/ 1 French kiss 1-2 min. Nov17 I had shiver and hi fever & night sweat (shiver a couple of times -fever 1st day 40C and the second 2 days 38 & then gone-had a minor fever blister on my upper lip & gone after 2 days-afterwards & 4 a period of 10 days I felt tiredness (no swollen nodes, no diarrhea, no loss of weight, no nausea, no headache, no ulcers) on 27 of Nov I had trip also 2 Germany, that date I felt a bit hard to breathe so went to the doc(X-ray clear and gave me Senicod and Aerius since assumed it is bronchitis) On the plane my ear popping during take-off and landing.since I shaved my hair neck with a razor, I had a rash on my back neck-on z plane- wide around .5eachx6 (for 3 days). Nov30&Dec1 we also went to FKK in Ffurt and had the same as above w/o any French Kissing / oral protected. Anxiety up - I was still feeling weak during the trip due chest congestion &smoking around 22 cig per day. back on Dec2 I went to the doc regardin my chest and gave me Tavanic Antibio (1.5 pills/day for 6 days) along w/ Senicod & a CBC and Ferritin (both were normal). CBC similar to 2010 WBC 8.8 (up from 8.2). I resumed work w/ minor fatigue. Panic: yesterday 16th when I felt itchy & had very itchy pimples are pinky & almost .6 cm each (2 on my left wrist 3 at the waist & 2 on my feet. I checked my body and was shocked to death when I saw rash around17 pimples (reddish, small, and not itchy at all) upon my back (left side only spread in a 15cm diam - don't know when they occurred.
Q: what r the odds of HIV (evident symptoms but i was almost perfectly protected, or might I be one of the unluckiest 0.2% in the world. Thank you
Hi Ronin,
I understand your situation completely. I''m feeling EXACTLY the same as you.
My exposure? I had 2. The first exposure unprotected oral sex and handjob. The second exposure unprotected oral sex and protected intercourse, with 2 different ladies (commercial sex workers). So, our scenarios are very much the same.
If you doubt about your test result, then probably you need another test at 12 weeks post incident. That is also a reason why I did not take any test, because I know even if the results come negative, I will still be doubting it. Probably until 12 weeks test, I will feel really confirm. I don't know...
Sometimes, I think with my negative thinking, I might keep on doubting the results even though after 12 weeks. Hopefully that will not happen.
Honestly, Ronin, I feel better talking to you too. It's like I can finally find a friend that share exactly the same experience, guilt, trauma. So this makes it easier for us to talk, I think.
You know, I was like you previously, keep on looking at the percentage risks of oral sex. 0.005% does indeed look very low...too low to be even considered as a risk. But, I don't know why I just cannot accept the low risks event. The 0.005% feels to me it's like 500%.
I know I'm not in a position to advice you, because I cannot control myself either. But, I think for a start, we shall stop searching in the internet for our scenarios anymore. I feel, the more I search, the more anxious I become. And, don't bother about the 0.005% also. Just enough for us to know, unprotected oral sex is a low risk event. And, that's it.
I believe you are a good person, Ronin. I also cannot understand why I did such sins. Really. But, I'm very very sure for myself and yourself, after this event, I'm very sure that we will not do this anymore. You agree?
I don't think Dr. Sean's no-reply is a sign of negative. I think he is probably busy. And, I might understand if why he did not reply also. I have met with many doctors to assess my risks. I have been seeing this one doctor that finally told me 'No matter how many times you have asked, my answer remains the same. It's low risk'.
I think Dr. Sean probably feels that our biggest problem now is not the problem with the HIV risk. It's our mental problems now that causes this agony. I understand that Dr. Sean cannot help in this. Nor any other doctors.
I have made up an appointment to see a counselor to help me. I don't know, probably you can try also? I hope the counselor can help.
As for your wife might leaving you, don't judge on that first. She loves you and she wants to be safe. She will forgive you provided you learn from the mistakes and will not commit the mistake again.
I just hope my 12 weeks mark will arrive very soon. After that, I think I will be improved. How long you need for you to reach 12 weeks mark from your last incident?
Till then, take care. Try not to think too much. Same goes to me as well.
I understand your situation completely. I''m feeling EXACTLY the same as you.
My exposure? I had 2. The first exposure unprotected oral sex and handjob. The second exposure unprotected oral sex and protected intercourse, with 2 different ladies (commercial sex workers). So, our scenarios are very much the same.
If you doubt about your test result, then probably you need another test at 12 weeks post incident. That is also a reason why I did not take any test, because I know even if the results come negative, I will still be doubting it. Probably until 12 weeks test, I will feel really confirm. I don't know...
Sometimes, I think with my negative thinking, I might keep on doubting the results even though after 12 weeks. Hopefully that will not happen.
Honestly, Ronin, I feel better talking to you too. It's like I can finally find a friend that share exactly the same experience, guilt, trauma. So this makes it easier for us to talk, I think.
You know, I was like you previously, keep on looking at the percentage risks of oral sex. 0.005% does indeed look very low...too low to be even considered as a risk. But, I don't know why I just cannot accept the low risks event. The 0.005% feels to me it's like 500%.
I know I'm not in a position to advice you, because I cannot control myself either. But, I think for a start, we shall stop searching in the internet for our scenarios anymore. I feel, the more I search, the more anxious I become. And, don't bother about the 0.005% also. Just enough for us to know, unprotected oral sex is a low risk event. And, that's it.
I believe you are a good person, Ronin. I also cannot understand why I did such sins. Really. But, I'm very very sure for myself and yourself, after this event, I'm very sure that we will not do this anymore. You agree?
I don't think Dr. Sean's no-reply is a sign of negative. I think he is probably busy. And, I might understand if why he did not reply also. I have met with many doctors to assess my risks. I have been seeing this one doctor that finally told me 'No matter how many times you have asked, my answer remains the same. It's low risk'.
I think Dr. Sean probably feels that our biggest problem now is not the problem with the HIV risk. It's our mental problems now that causes this agony. I understand that Dr. Sean cannot help in this. Nor any other doctors.
I have made up an appointment to see a counselor to help me. I don't know, probably you can try also? I hope the counselor can help.
As for your wife might leaving you, don't judge on that first. She loves you and she wants to be safe. She will forgive you provided you learn from the mistakes and will not commit the mistake again.
I just hope my 12 weeks mark will arrive very soon. After that, I think I will be improved. How long you need for you to reach 12 weeks mark from your last incident?
Till then, take care. Try not to think too much. Same goes to me as well.
Dear Dr,
Sorry again but I'm about to collapse just for the thought that I may ruin families.
Please I'm in need of a slight hope despite the symptoms, low WBC, high Eosinophils (though Lymphocytes were maintained at 24% since forever).
Question 1: do I still have a hope of turning out Negative and please a bit of 'why' the hope is still there beside the cause (almost protected sex).
please please please Dr., God bless you.
Sorry again but I'm about to collapse just for the thought that I may ruin families.
Please I'm in need of a slight hope despite the symptoms, low WBC, high Eosinophils (though Lymphocytes were maintained at 24% since forever).
Question 1: do I still have a hope of turning out Negative and please a bit of 'why' the hope is still there beside the cause (almost protected sex).
please please please Dr., God bless you.
Hi SunnyLee,
Again lots of thanks for ur encouraging words and hope we live to see our children grow in a healthy environment. I work in a 3rd world country and the test was done secretly through a medium. Here, all HIV tests are done in one lab only belonging to the ministry. I sent my blood sample through the medium to the virologist who is his friend and when result came out I kept on asking the medium what kind of test was it with a reply that all types in attempt to track a single trace of HIV. When I asked the medium if Duo, he replied yes (but not sure till date if this is the one and not sure about the generation - will insist tomorrow). However, I don't know why I'm becoming pessimistic assuming that I already have HIV and thinking of the post-shock where we should move to our hometown and live with it as long as my wife and son are ok. I spend the day at work with a sub-zero efficiency and about to collapse before I reach Judgement day. Dr. Cummings is not replyin and felt like a bad indicator since he always tries to source out the positive news and maybe my case is hopeless. Sorry for being selfish, I wish u all the best as well, you are a kind and considerate person. Hope you tell me a bit about your case. SunnyLee, my wife might break up with me since I hv been wandering endlessly, , might lose my job due to lack of efficiency. In total dispair with only 2 hopes: familysafe and God's forgiveness.
I sometimes wish I had unprotected sex and in a 3rd world county, then it would have been justifiable... but almost protected sex (always condoms with no defects and 4 blow jobs where the chance is 0.005% and in Germany where 1 out of 100 CSW has HIV and with a very low percentage for those out of the 1% have high viral load. I swear to God no unorthodox act happened, all of the acts were short around 6-7 min, condom always on in vaginal and even BJ had been modest (around 45 secs)... only one French kiss... still can't live with the fact that I tried to be as protected as possible... honestly, if result negative I'm afraid that my weak mind might lead me to desperate result such as suicide, ... our culture is based upon families and connection and both families are quite religious and my wife is the only one married (amongst her other 3 sisters) where the family aiming high at me... beside the financial support that we provide to our both families.. SunnyLee, I am a good person in life, helping the poor, devoted to my family, religious... don't know why I was enticed to commit those 2 acts with an immediate wrath from God... I don't deserve it... I am dying slowly ...
God bless u, you deserve all the happiness in life. Will try to fetch some Xanax or so (I tried Lexotanil last night and still slept for only 5 hrs. Take care
Again lots of thanks for ur encouraging words and hope we live to see our children grow in a healthy environment. I work in a 3rd world country and the test was done secretly through a medium. Here, all HIV tests are done in one lab only belonging to the ministry. I sent my blood sample through the medium to the virologist who is his friend and when result came out I kept on asking the medium what kind of test was it with a reply that all types in attempt to track a single trace of HIV. When I asked the medium if Duo, he replied yes (but not sure till date if this is the one and not sure about the generation - will insist tomorrow). However, I don't know why I'm becoming pessimistic assuming that I already have HIV and thinking of the post-shock where we should move to our hometown and live with it as long as my wife and son are ok. I spend the day at work with a sub-zero efficiency and about to collapse before I reach Judgement day. Dr. Cummings is not replyin and felt like a bad indicator since he always tries to source out the positive news and maybe my case is hopeless. Sorry for being selfish, I wish u all the best as well, you are a kind and considerate person. Hope you tell me a bit about your case. SunnyLee, my wife might break up with me since I hv been wandering endlessly, , might lose my job due to lack of efficiency. In total dispair with only 2 hopes: familysafe and God's forgiveness.
I sometimes wish I had unprotected sex and in a 3rd world county, then it would have been justifiable... but almost protected sex (always condoms with no defects and 4 blow jobs where the chance is 0.005% and in Germany where 1 out of 100 CSW has HIV and with a very low percentage for those out of the 1% have high viral load. I swear to God no unorthodox act happened, all of the acts were short around 6-7 min, condom always on in vaginal and even BJ had been modest (around 45 secs)... only one French kiss... still can't live with the fact that I tried to be as protected as possible... honestly, if result negative I'm afraid that my weak mind might lead me to desperate result such as suicide, ... our culture is based upon families and connection and both families are quite religious and my wife is the only one married (amongst her other 3 sisters) where the family aiming high at me... beside the financial support that we provide to our both families.. SunnyLee, I am a good person in life, helping the poor, devoted to my family, religious... don't know why I was enticed to commit those 2 acts with an immediate wrath from God... I don't deserve it... I am dying slowly ...
God bless u, you deserve all the happiness in life. Will try to fetch some Xanax or so (I tried Lexotanil last night and still slept for only 5 hrs. Take care
Hi Ronin,
As you have said, we are no doctors so I can't really tell/dianose about your symptoms. But, in fact I have read in forums by Dr. Sean and Dr. Jose (trust me, I have read a lot and even posted one). From all their responses, I can conclude that it's really a waste of time and energy to look at the symptoms. Which I very much agree. As early symptoms of HIV are very common and could be caused by anything else than HIV. You said you have loss of appetite and weight loss. That wouldn't surprise me too much. I'm going through the same experience now. I think because of anxiety, who can really eat well when we keep on worrying on something? When we don't eat well, we get a bit of weight loss...that sounds logic.
And I have also read in many many...way too many forums that if your symptoms are really related to HIV, your HIV Test should have been positive already. But, you have taken a test on day 34 and it's negative, so the symptoms are really not related to HIV from my understanding from all the posts that I have read.
And I cannot confirm this as I'm not a doctor or HIV advocate but I have read in many forums (again) that Duo Test is actually same as Combo Test, which these tests belong to the 4th generation test, which they test for both antigen and antibody. If this is really the case, then I remember I read in many posts from Dr. Sean and Dr. Jose that that testing at 28 days is as good as conclusive. But, of course, I just say this based on what I have read. Further confirmation will be needed by Dr. Sean and Dr. Jose or other doctors or HIV specialists.
Test at 34 days or 7 weeks negative is really encouraging (at least for me). In my country, my doctor insist for me to test at 12 weeks mark, which I'm still waiting for as you said the Judgement Day.
As for your WBC and the symptoms that you fear about, try not to think too much about it. As I have mentioned, I read in many many forums for doctors like Dr. Sean, Dr. Jose, Dr. Bob Frascino (he has passed away, may GOD bless his soul), Dr. HHH, if your symptoms are related to HIV, your result test should be really positive already, but it is not. So the symptoms can be anything, and the main cause I think it's because of anxiety. Really, anxiety can cause panic, imaginary symptoms which I'm going through right now also.
In my previous post, I have mentioned about the relaxant medicine Xanax 0.25 mg which worked for me in reducing my anxiety. But, of course you need to take with doctor's supervision. I hope Dr. Sean and Dr. Jose will not get angry for me suggesting this. Else, you can always talk to a counsellor or a doctor at your area. Sometimes, some reassuring words really help.
I will pray for you and myself that we will be negative in our tests and stay healthy in years to come and most importantly learn from our mistakes and be a change person. A good person...
Have a great day, Ronin
As you have said, we are no doctors so I can't really tell/dianose about your symptoms. But, in fact I have read in forums by Dr. Sean and Dr. Jose (trust me, I have read a lot and even posted one). From all their responses, I can conclude that it's really a waste of time and energy to look at the symptoms. Which I very much agree. As early symptoms of HIV are very common and could be caused by anything else than HIV. You said you have loss of appetite and weight loss. That wouldn't surprise me too much. I'm going through the same experience now. I think because of anxiety, who can really eat well when we keep on worrying on something? When we don't eat well, we get a bit of weight loss...that sounds logic.
And I have also read in many many...way too many forums that if your symptoms are really related to HIV, your HIV Test should have been positive already. But, you have taken a test on day 34 and it's negative, so the symptoms are really not related to HIV from my understanding from all the posts that I have read.
And I cannot confirm this as I'm not a doctor or HIV advocate but I have read in many forums (again) that Duo Test is actually same as Combo Test, which these tests belong to the 4th generation test, which they test for both antigen and antibody. If this is really the case, then I remember I read in many posts from Dr. Sean and Dr. Jose that that testing at 28 days is as good as conclusive. But, of course, I just say this based on what I have read. Further confirmation will be needed by Dr. Sean and Dr. Jose or other doctors or HIV specialists.
Test at 34 days or 7 weeks negative is really encouraging (at least for me). In my country, my doctor insist for me to test at 12 weeks mark, which I'm still waiting for as you said the Judgement Day.
As for your WBC and the symptoms that you fear about, try not to think too much about it. As I have mentioned, I read in many many forums for doctors like Dr. Sean, Dr. Jose, Dr. Bob Frascino (he has passed away, may GOD bless his soul), Dr. HHH, if your symptoms are related to HIV, your result test should be really positive already, but it is not. So the symptoms can be anything, and the main cause I think it's because of anxiety. Really, anxiety can cause panic, imaginary symptoms which I'm going through right now also.
In my previous post, I have mentioned about the relaxant medicine Xanax 0.25 mg which worked for me in reducing my anxiety. But, of course you need to take with doctor's supervision. I hope Dr. Sean and Dr. Jose will not get angry for me suggesting this. Else, you can always talk to a counsellor or a doctor at your area. Sometimes, some reassuring words really help.
I will pray for you and myself that we will be negative in our tests and stay healthy in years to come and most importantly learn from our mistakes and be a change person. A good person...
Have a great day, Ronin
Good day Sunnylee,
Thank you for sharing with me the never-ending agony.. I can't remember when I slept more than 4-5 hours, waking up every morning at 4-5 AM in a mild sweat with immidiate mental suffocation. Losing focus at work and my job as a category manager requires lots of devotion.
Indeed, if I were single it would have been easier and asked God if something is there let it be me and not the family and will devote the rest of my life supporting their needs. I utterly regret the moment where I was enticed by my colleagues at work to commit such deadly sins. Everytime I say I should be a positive thinker then something new happens. Yesterday I did a CBC (41 days after last so-called protected exposure / condom but BJ condomless) and the result was devastating at least for me: WBC used to be over the last years 8.2 average (June 2009 - Dec. 2011). Yesterday's it was 6.2 for the first time and Eosinophils 7.3 (max. should be 2.9). Spent the entire night reading about causes of decline in WBC and couldn't find an excuse but the HIV.. even the doctor tried to dodge the answer informing me that all he cares about is that WBC is within the range. Here in town, HIV is a terrorist in hunt and you would be deported immediately. Please Sunnylee help me with 2 questions (Hope Dr. Cummings replies to me as well but seems that he is quite busy and don't want to bother him often, he had been quite helpful).
Q1: I caugth 2 types of rash during week 2 after exposure, loss of appetite, weight loss, oral thrush, night sweat, 1 ulcer in mouth, white dots under tongue, you name it - noting that I have ulcerative colitis... took HIV test on day 34 including DUO test (don't know which generation due to secrecy) and turned out negative... Q1 is: Does Ulcerative Colitis and Pentasa lead to delay in seroconversion, HIV antibodies in blood??? This is fear 1.
Q2: WBC: what are my chances that I faced all these symptoms + WBC decline... and still I am on the safe side? The decline of the WBC+Rash during this period in addition to other symptoms.... Sorry Sunnylee, I know we are no doc but we need some boosting till we reach the judgement day (3 months post exposure). Thank you in advance.
Dear Dr. Cummings, sorry for bothering you again, but would highly appreciate that you help me out only this time... if further charges/fees are required please don't hesitate to inform me.
Many thanks in advance and God bless you all.
Thank you for sharing with me the never-ending agony.. I can't remember when I slept more than 4-5 hours, waking up every morning at 4-5 AM in a mild sweat with immidiate mental suffocation. Losing focus at work and my job as a category manager requires lots of devotion.
Indeed, if I were single it would have been easier and asked God if something is there let it be me and not the family and will devote the rest of my life supporting their needs. I utterly regret the moment where I was enticed by my colleagues at work to commit such deadly sins. Everytime I say I should be a positive thinker then something new happens. Yesterday I did a CBC (41 days after last so-called protected exposure / condom but BJ condomless) and the result was devastating at least for me: WBC used to be over the last years 8.2 average (June 2009 - Dec. 2011). Yesterday's it was 6.2 for the first time and Eosinophils 7.3 (max. should be 2.9). Spent the entire night reading about causes of decline in WBC and couldn't find an excuse but the HIV.. even the doctor tried to dodge the answer informing me that all he cares about is that WBC is within the range. Here in town, HIV is a terrorist in hunt and you would be deported immediately. Please Sunnylee help me with 2 questions (Hope Dr. Cummings replies to me as well but seems that he is quite busy and don't want to bother him often, he had been quite helpful).
Q1: I caugth 2 types of rash during week 2 after exposure, loss of appetite, weight loss, oral thrush, night sweat, 1 ulcer in mouth, white dots under tongue, you name it - noting that I have ulcerative colitis... took HIV test on day 34 including DUO test (don't know which generation due to secrecy) and turned out negative... Q1 is: Does Ulcerative Colitis and Pentasa lead to delay in seroconversion, HIV antibodies in blood??? This is fear 1.
Q2: WBC: what are my chances that I faced all these symptoms + WBC decline... and still I am on the safe side? The decline of the WBC+Rash during this period in addition to other symptoms.... Sorry Sunnylee, I know we are no doc but we need some boosting till we reach the judgement day (3 months post exposure). Thank you in advance.
Dear Dr. Cummings, sorry for bothering you again, but would highly appreciate that you help me out only this time... if further charges/fees are required please don't hesitate to inform me.
Many thanks in advance and God bless you all.
Hi Ronin,
I have exactly the same problem as you and now waiting for the time for me to take the HIV Test.
Dr. Jose has mentioned (which same as Dr. Cummings comment for you), the risk for from receiving oral sex is very very low. It did give some amount of reassurance but of course we will be still very afraid.
I think the biggest problem that we had now is not the fear but the guilt. So, with guilt, anxiety, stress, panic...I think we can go to the extreme of imagining symptoms...really. That's what my doctor told me.
I do not know if I should suggest this here. Dr Jose and Dr Cummings might not agree with this. But my doctor gave some Xanax 0.25 mg. I have been having many sleepless nights and cannot concentrate on my work. I find Xanax to be quite helpful.
I still very much feel afraid, stress, anxiety and panic...but at least with Xanax I can relax and sleep better. Until we get the test, I think these terrible feelings will not go away.
And most important, Ronin, promise your self you will not commit this mistake again. We should always remember this agony period if we are tested negative.
I have exactly the same problem as you and now waiting for the time for me to take the HIV Test.
Dr. Jose has mentioned (which same as Dr. Cummings comment for you), the risk for from receiving oral sex is very very low. It did give some amount of reassurance but of course we will be still very afraid.
I think the biggest problem that we had now is not the fear but the guilt. So, with guilt, anxiety, stress, panic...I think we can go to the extreme of imagining symptoms...really. That's what my doctor told me.
I do not know if I should suggest this here. Dr Jose and Dr Cummings might not agree with this. But my doctor gave some Xanax 0.25 mg. I have been having many sleepless nights and cannot concentrate on my work. I find Xanax to be quite helpful.
I still very much feel afraid, stress, anxiety and panic...but at least with Xanax I can relax and sleep better. Until we get the test, I think these terrible feelings will not go away.
And most important, Ronin, promise your self you will not commit this mistake again. We should always remember this agony period if we are tested negative.
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