I wrote this for farfromperfect, but after finishing it, I realized that maybe one or two of you might find it useful.
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"Stop giving a disease so much power over you. Take back your power.
Here's a tip that a very, very old nurse gave me back when I was a nurses aide at 18 in a nursing home. I was working in the worst area of the home, where they keep the most horrible cases, people who eat their feces, smear them, are pretty much insane all the time. We had to feed them, dress them, and sit them in the day room every day. After the 2nd day, I went to this nurse, crying that I hated it and couldn't do it. She gave me this advice that has gotten me through a lot of tough times.
If you are in a situation and don't like it, ACT as if you do like it. Try it just for a week. She told me to go in every day with a smile on my face, hug the residents of the unit, giggle with them, and ACT as though it was the best job in the world. To act until I could get an academy award. I thought she was insane, but as I needed the job to get through nursing school, I tried it.
FFP, it was very hard. But I went around acting as though I loved these people that repulsed and frightened me. I bathed them and cared for them, and fed them as though they were my very own parents. You know what? After a bit, it became the truth. I learned their names, their histories, learned that they never had family coming to see them, nothing. We arranged birthday parties, brought our dogs and cats in to visit, and just basically started treating them with honor and respect, and joy.
What I'm asking you to do is what that nurse asked me to try. ACT as though you are not afraid of HIV. Do not come back here, unless it is to offer kind and supporting words to the ones who haven't come as far as you. ACT each day confidently, as if you are not fearing "the dreadful disease". Part of acting this way is to stop examining your body. Pretend you are going for an academy award for NOT being afraid of this disease. ACT as though you are confident, strong, and healthy.
For you see, my friend...when you ACT AS IF, you eventually BECOME. I acted as if I loved those old people, and eventually I did! Please, each day, act as if you are not afraid.
I feel a special connection to you. You seem salvagable. I hate that you are giving up your power to a disease. To a virus. THAT YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE. "