Aa
New Joke of the Day!
Just thought it was time to start a new thread. I hope it puts a smile on some faces. Lord knows when treating you need it!
Two men were driving through New Jersey when they got pulled
over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his
nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him
in the head with his nightstick.
"What the he!! was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in New Jersey , son," the trooper answered. "When we
pull you over in New Jersey , you better have your license ready by the
time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer" the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't
know your laws here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives
the guy his license back.
The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks
him on the head with the nightstick.
What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your
wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. "Because I know
you New Yorkers ," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna
turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that a$$hole would've tried that $hit
with me!"
Two men were driving through New Jersey when they got pulled
over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his
nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him
in the head with his nightstick.
"What the he!! was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in New Jersey , son," the trooper answered. "When we
pull you over in New Jersey , you better have your license ready by the
time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer" the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't
know your laws here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives
the guy his license back.
The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks
him on the head with the nightstick.
What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your
wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. "Because I know
you New Yorkers ," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna
turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that a$$hole would've tried that $hit
with me!"
Something else to worry about ..... I'm not really concerned about swine flu.
Here's my concern:
3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . Swine flu.
Next year is the year of the **** ..... Anybody else worried?
Here's my concern:
3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . Swine flu.
Next year is the year of the **** ..... Anybody else worried?
Roger goes into a barber shop, sits down in the chair and has his hair cut.
When the barber finishes, Roger gets up, but as he’s pulling out his wallet, the barber goes to take a leak in the corner of the room, then zips up and walks back over.
Handing the barber a $20 bill, Roger says, “It’s none of my business, but why did you just urinate in the corner of your own shop?”
The barber says, “My lease runs out in a week. What do I care?”
The barber goes to the register to get Roger his change. When he comes back, he finds Roger squatting in the corner, dropping a deuce.
“What the hell are you doing?” the barber yells.
“Hey,” Roger says, “I’m leaving now.”
When the barber finishes, Roger gets up, but as he’s pulling out his wallet, the barber goes to take a leak in the corner of the room, then zips up and walks back over.
Handing the barber a $20 bill, Roger says, “It’s none of my business, but why did you just urinate in the corner of your own shop?”
The barber says, “My lease runs out in a week. What do I care?”
The barber goes to the register to get Roger his change. When he comes back, he finds Roger squatting in the corner, dropping a deuce.
“What the hell are you doing?” the barber yells.
“Hey,” Roger says, “I’m leaving now.”
Newfie Love Poem
SUSIE TOBIN FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO 'APPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE, MAID,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANUDDER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YOUR MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YOUR 'ALF BRUDDER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "DERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY DEAR,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOUR MUDDER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOWS IS YOUR 'ALF BRUDDER.
BUT MUDDER KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU 'APPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU HAIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
SUSIE TOBIN FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO 'APPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE, MAID,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANUDDER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YOUR MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YOUR 'ALF BRUDDER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "DERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY DEAR,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOUR MUDDER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOWS IS YOUR 'ALF BRUDDER.
BUT MUDDER KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU 'APPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU HAIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
I just stubled across this one:
.. "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
.. "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
LOL I got the jokes even though I'm not a Newfie. I spent a lot of my childhood living in northern Ontario. It sounds like a similar way of life.
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One student turned in the following book report, he said that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Here’s his comparison:
Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :.... cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :....The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :.... Bill is a ******** artist
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :.... Let’s not go there.
Titanic:.... Rose gets to keep her jewels
Clinton :... Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :... Clinton doesn’t remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :.... Monica…ooh, let’s not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
The Italian Bank Robber...
A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and
forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Italian customer grabs the
hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over
and calmly shoots him in the head.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.
There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly Italian gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I tinka my wifa may have caughta glimpse"
A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and
forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Italian customer grabs the
hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over
and calmly shoots him in the head.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.
There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly Italian gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I tinka my wifa may have caughta glimpse"
that was good they sounded like definitions from a game called Balderdash (real great and fun game to play).
Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
And the winners are...
1. Cashtration (n..): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation (n.): Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy (n.): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti (n..): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido (n.): All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroomat two or three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
AND SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST? The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners...
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n.. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
You know you're from Newfoundland when...
- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.
- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.
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You are reading content posted in the Hepatitis Social Community
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
