hsv2 positive - hoping it's oral

[freddfreddfredd]

Hi, I am writing because I've been spending too much time googling everything looking for answers. I need to see a doctor, but it's hard to get away (I have a toddler) and busy schedule.

My wife of 10 years just found out she has HPV from an abnormal pap smear adn her doctor is about to do a Colposcopy to make sure everything is okay -- or get rid of anything bad. The doctor didn't seem worried, based on small reading of something other. Fingers crossed. We were planning to get pregnant again next month. This made me start freaking out because I've been dealing with a sex addiction that I'm realizing goes back my whole life -- but a couple of years ago, it turned to seeing prostitutes. It was more than stupid and awful, adn I don't know why I was doing it. And I have been in therapy and I stopped doing it -- anyway, this isn't the time for this. But I started freaking otu about other STDs and decided to get tested adn found out that I have HSV2. I am totally asymptomotic, and the doctor at Urgent Care who interpreted the tests IgG 4.1 or something, said it's probably something I've had for a long time and don't worry about it. My wife accepted that as she did with the HPV -- that it's stuff that's been in her or me for a while (in the case of the HPV) -- since we were both pretty sexually active before we got married adn not always safe. As far as I know, my wife doesn't have it HSV2 -- although, we'll find out soon enough because she's about to get tested again as we get ready to get pregnant.

I'm devastated in many ways -- mostly how I could ever expose my beautiful, dedicated, wonderful wife to this. Secondly, how could I put my the future of my family at risk. If I tell her the truth, it's probably over (and maybe some people would say I should be honest, and maybe I'll have to). Right now, I'm trying to keep our marriage because -- as much as this may sound like I'm a total jerk, I actually do love my wife dearly, we have a beautiful relatinship (including sexually) and our little boy is so happy and we want so much for him to have an in tact family. Adn another sibling.

Here is what I'm hoping. I always had condom protected sex with these prostitutes, where they put it on tightly and were very careful about it. And I also have a lot of pubic hair that even exends up the bottom part of the shaft of my penis -- which I feel like might offer extra protection. But on 4 occasions, I went down on these women, giving them unprotected oral sex for a mniute or two. Is it possible that my hsv2 is oral only? And if it is, is there any way i could figure that out? I did have some symptoms inside the mouth a fwe months ago, and a do get little pimples on the top of my lip (that really seem like ingrown hairs) -- never turn into blisters or anything. But down below i've never felt anything -- no itching, no redness or anything.

the reason it's so important is if she doesn't have hsv2, and we're about to get preganant again, I need to know what I should do? Do I just stop having sex with her after she gets pregnant? If it were oral, maybe I could just not engage in oral sex -- but if I don't know, then -- I just don't know. Do I go on suppressive meds? What should I do? What's your suggestion? or do you know of a doctor in the LA area that i could go to?

The damage I've already caused in my relationship is almost too much for me to bear -- hurting an unborn child in the womb by giving my wife herpes while pregnant would be so devastating.

[gracefromHHP]

we have multiple studies that looked at oral and genital swabbing of oral and genitals of people newly infected with hsv2.  also many studies of the herpes of the oral area that show that hsv1 is the  more prevalent infection type there. it happens but it's not wide spread by no means.

have your wife get tested for herpes and go from there as far as deciding what precautions to take together.

[freddfreddfredd]

Let me ask you something about the possibility of oral HSV2. When you say the odds of it occurring without also occurring genitally are low. Wouldn't that be because exposure orally would happen at the same time as genitally? But if it didn't happen genitally at the same time, then theoretically it could happen, right?

Also, is it possible that the oral HSV2 is not quite as rare -- it's just that it doesn't show up there, so people don't know. Maybe a lot of people who have asymptomatic HSV2 have it orally and there's just no way to tell.

I spoke with a herpes expert a couple of days ago and she also said that using a condom only lowers risk by 30%. I also spoke with my wife's ob/gyn office and it turns out they did not test me during her last pregnancy, so it's possible I've had this for a long time.

Since I'm totally asymptomatic as far as I can tell (don't remember having any kind of symptoms of a first outbreak at all genitally), if my wife tests negative for HSV2, it sounds like the prudent thing is going to be for me to go on antivirals while we're trying to get pregnant (which we're going to start trying soon), then abstain from sex at all during the last trimester. Do you agree with that?

(sorry for multiple questions -- but I'm struggling with all of this)

[gracefromHHP]

you'd both have to get your test results from then for me to look at to make sure you were both properly tested at that time.

[freddfreddfredd]

She was tested during her last pregnancy, so it didn't come from her. Thanks for the info again. I'm scheduled to talk to someone in about an hour -- through that link you sent me.

Listen, one more question. I can't remember exactly, but I might've been tested when she was pregnant as well -- the doctor might've said that it was prudent to test me as well as her. If so, and I was negative IgG then (which I don't remember wither that happened or not), is there any scenario where that could have been a false negative?

[gracefromHHP]

a condom only covers the penis and leaves a lot of vulnerable skin exposed to be infected. It's very valid stat from one of the biggest herpes researchers in the US and obtained from looking at multiple studies.  

You could've had this before you even met your wife. You'll probably never figure it out. She even could've had it and given it to you at some point over the years.  

I'm glad you are still working through all of this with the therapist :)  

It's a small percentage of folks who contract hsv2 orally.  You can get it but the odds of it occurring and especially occurring without genital infection also are very low.

grace

[freddfreddfredd]

Thanks for the quick response, Grace. I think your advice is sound. I am still hoping that it's HSV2 oral. I agree that it would be irresponsible to assume that, but I have heard so many thing about condom percentages that don't want to believe that 30% number. I'm hoping that the 30% takes into account improper usage and grinding down there and so forth -- none of which I did in those scenarios. Maybe I'm hoping against hope. I will tell my wife to get tested as part of her colposcopy. It's hard to be deceptive again when I had already dealt with eliminating the deception. But, again, honesty right now would most likely be the end of our relationship. Maybe if she tests negative, I should reopen the idea of being honest with her -- it doesn't seem like an option, however. I'm willing to lose everything (which is what would happen), including my family and friends, if it would be better for her and my son. But i don't think it would at this point. I appreciate the non-judgemental response. Right now I've got a lot of self-judgement, which is appropriate, but it would be hard to take more -- though I deserve it. I am working with that therapist still and I am dealing with those feelings. I wish this would go away. I know there are a lot of worse things in the world. But I never counted on this. It was so stupid and wrong of me.

But is there no way to have any idea if I have it genitally or orally without outbreaks? the weird thing is that I go back and forth -- but right now it seems like it's best if she already has it -- because then it's obviously really mild for her. It will be hard to take to see her with difficult, painful outbreaks, when I'm basically asymptomatic.  

[gracefromHHP]

you have no reason to think your hsv2 oral. Even if it was, most folks who have hsv2 orally, also have it genitally.  condoms only reduce the transmission of hsv2 by 30% on average.

you've probably never been tested before to know your status I assume. No way to know how long you've had it but you know it's been since at least since you stopped seeing other partners during your marriage.  at this point your wife should get tested to know what her status is. Her gyn can order it when she goes for her colposcopy - no need to wait until she's pregnant.  Once you know her status, you can make educated decisions together about what precautions to take from this point forward. if she is hsv2 negative, avoiding infecting her during pregnancy is a priority and we'll cover that at the time after you have her results.  

The free herpes handbook at www.westoverheights.com is a free and terrific resource for the 2 of you.  You can get her risk down very low of contracting hsv2 from you if she tests negative for it.  

Have you followed up with the therapist you used for your sex addiction issues with all of this to work on your anxiety/guilt over this new issue too?  

grace