Scared of sex

[elmo81469]

My wife had a complete hysterectomy 12 months ago. We have not been intimate for 15 months when she found out she had possible cancer. She began to shutdown toward me. I love and cherish her and would die for her. She had everything removed uterus, ovaries. She still acts normal around everyone but me. Now she has told me that she cannot stand to hold our children or be close to them for a pro-longed period. She has told me that the thought of sex makes her have panic attacks, feel as if she is choking, want to curl up in a ball and disappear. She says the thought scares the hell out of her in her exact words. Before all this took place, we had a very active intimate life full of passion. Can anyone give me advice. She gets upset when I just try to talk to her about it in a loving caring way stating that she doesn't need me to point out her inadequacies. I have told her that all I need is her love and if sex can't be a part of that for now, I can wait until she is ready. I must admit it is very hard because I love her so dearly. She can barely hug me now and if I go in for a simple kiss she either only allows me to kiss her cheek or she gives me a tight lipped quick peck as if she is frightened of me. I tell her I love her quite frequently during the day just to reafirm my love to her. The only time she tells me she loves me is when I say it first. Can anyone help me.

[mary24609]

I understand your frustration and pain. I underwent a total abdominal hysterectomy and had the same reaction as your wife. Prior to the surgery, my husband and I couldn't be intimate due to the intense pain it caused and then afterward I was afraid to attempt it. My poor husband waited almost 2 years before we were able to become sexually active gain. Our problem was solved when he accompanied me to the gynocologist. He insisted on going with me to an appointment and he initiated a conversation with the doctor. After we discussed everything in her office, our sex-life gradually resumed and now it is better than before. I disagree with the post that stated that orgasms weren't as intense. My experience has been the exact opposite. I hope this helps and that your situation improves.

[Shirokuma]

I am there as well. Wife had total hysterectomy in April, we have not had sex in over 5 years due to her pain etc. My wife is pretty cold too at the moment. Last post op check was today. She dismissed me when I asked about hormone testing (she does not care a lot about it at this point as well as HRT is not all that big in Japan)

Marriage counseling is a no go as there are virtually no counselors in Japan outside of Tokyo.

I try to be as supportive as I can, I do 95% of the work around the house and with our son. My wife plays with him fine, we talk etc all fine but nothing physical....

A lot of people (women friends) said I have to romance and re-seduce her. All of which I have been working on.

I understand your frustration. I live it too.

[Cherie762]

Hi there

I think Sam has some right thoughts.

As I am sure you know a hyster is a very serious surgery. There is a condition called surgical depressive disorder..she has some symptoms of that, Some ladies feel their womanhood is defined by their internal organs.

Also ovary removal has alot to do with it. I hope she looks into different bio-identical hormone replacement therapy ..cause what if anything she is doing obviously is not working.

Your a wonderful husband to sek help for her. She may be helped by a bit of counseling also..after a while maybe you can join .

It is still possible for a woman to orgasm after this surgery , but to be honest its not as intense,,its different,

Be certain to be very gentle the first time..I was soo afraid it would hurt first time me and hubby had sex after my surgery. take things real slow and if you dont normal use ky gel do for first time.

She need psychological help for the panic attacks and the depression. I am not a Dr but it sure sounds like depression to me. Short term meds may help here to trun things around along with the therapy.

I really wish you well..if you have any more questions ...please ask.

she needs to see three people
1. ob-gyn..ask for bio-identical hormones (no premarine)
2. Therapist..she need to talk and a unbiased person who is expert at helping would be good for her.
3. at least try one trip to psychologist,,,she may need anti depressants or /and anti anxiety just till she gets things straigtened in her mind.

Pm me if you would like to for any help that would be too personal to post on here.

Cherie

[SeriousSam]

Cuddle and just woo her.  Though hormones and possibly grief therapy might help,  Keep everything not sexual, hug a nd cuddle a lot but doon't make any first moves.  And if she does make moves to you take things gradual and don't do anything more than foreplay that she initiates.

[trish8751]

maybe if you try marriage counseling, she may be able to get how she feels out and this could help you in more ways than you imagine