The other woman

[mami1323]

Did you ever ask questions about the other woman and finally get some questions answered?  Well I did on Saturday.  My fiance went out to eat and we got to talking about why the affair happened and what we could've done differently and how glad we were to be able to talk about it and not be angry.  Well we started talking about the w hore and I asked if he ever considered being with her if we ever did break up.  He said that he never saw himself with her in that way.  That he had feelings but he knew that she wasn't the type of woman he could have a relationship with.  She was almost 40 with no kids and never ever uttered a word about his kids.  She never asked about them at all.  I know she wouldn't ask about Jayden since I got pregnant with him during their affair and I'm sure she wasn't thrilled about him.  But how could you not show interest in this man's children?  So to him that was a big no-no.  Then another thing she would do was start fights with him because she was jealous when she would see him talking to other women in the gym.  She would accuse him of cheating.  Now that is the strangest thing I've ever heard.  First of all, he's not hers to get jealous over, he was mine.  Second, how can you accuse him of cheating when in fact he is cheating on me with her?  I mean are you for real?  But the thing is, I asked these questions, but finding out that she would behave this way made me angry all over again at her.  Like she had nerve.  He did say though that it was getting down to the end anyway when I found out, because he knew she wanted more but he didn't ever want to leave me.  

[specialmom]

I do believe that some  men learn from their actions.  
And how they conduct themselves after an affair tells a lot about what the outcome will be of trying to work on the marriage.  I think the same can actually be said for both people in a marriage.  After a period of time, you either have to heal from the affair or it won't work.  And its best chance for success is when both parties are interested in healing.  That takes time, patience and willingness.  

Mami, I think  your man proves to you every day now that he is faithful and loyal to you and the life you have created.  It makes it easier to let go of the past hurt when time has passed and they work to prove themselves.  

Best of wishes to all for healing and peace.

[mami1323]

It is what it is lor, there are no perfect men and no perfect relationships.  You would be surprised to know how many people deal with infidelity in their relationships.  Infidelity doesn't have to be the be all end all of a relationship.  What they did was wrong, it was thoughtless, selfish, disrespectful, inconsiderate and more words that I could type but I think you get the point.  However, you have to stop allowing what your husband did to control you.  I'm not saying, not to be upset or not to have these thoughts but most people who have them, walk away, instead of staying in a marriage full of hate and disgust.  You can get to a better place, you can find love in your relationship again...I'm walking proof of it.  A person can change if they want to, my fiance is walking proof of that.  He's become such a good man to me and such a good father to our son and it was his lesson he had to learn in life.  Yes, it crushed me, yes, it was me who was wronged but I can spend my life with him hating him and our relationship suffering for that or I can try and make my life with him better, which I'm doing.  If I couldn't move past it, I would be out that door.  Just for my own sanity.  You are letting his actions drag you down and frankly, no one is worth that.  I used to be where you are at but I had to learn to let it go.  I could get angry all over again, every day, but then I'm continuing to let the affair take over my life.  I have to be strong for my son and we are now a happy family.  I don't question if he's had affairs before this one, I don't want to think about it.  I'm living for today because who knows what tomorrow will bring.  

[lor662]

WELL ISNT IT SOOO NICE HOW THESE POOR EXCUSE FOR MEN REALIZE THERE NEW FOUND LOVE FOR US AND HOW THERE WHOLE AFFAIR WAS SUCH A MISTAKE,,THAT AFTER ALL THOSE LIES AND SEX AND MUNIPULATING,THE INOCENT WIVES ,,THEY ONLY REALIZED SUCH A THING WHEN THEY GOT CAUGHT,,I MEAN AFTER ALL WE DO BELIEVE THEM RIGHT ?WHEN THEY TELL US IT WAS THERE FIRST AND ONLY AFFAIR?I MEAN NOT LIKE THEY WOULD ACTUALLY CONFESS TO ,,LETS SAY ONE TIME SEX OR SHORTER TERM AFFAIRS,,,WHE SHOULD GIVE THESE KIDS A BREAK RIGHT KIDS,,CAUSE A LOVEING HUSBAND WOULD NOT DARE TO DISTRUPT HIS FAMILY OR LET ANY OTHER WOMAN ALSO,,YA YOU KNOW,,THERE PIGS AND SKANKS THEY THINK WITH THERE ZIPPER NOT THERE HEAD,,OH WELL ,,THATS THE LIFE OF THESE SELFISH SCANDRALS AND THE WMAN WHO LOVE THEM

[mami1323]

You shouldn't stay with someone just for fear of all that you listed, that's no life.  I was able to forgive because I was able to live in the here and now and not the past. It took a lot of work but I refused to let what he did bring me down.  I'm not sure what would've happened, all I know is what did happen.  I'm not doubting there was attraction, there had to have been, I'm not sure what it was but I'm also not going to continue to think about what was between them because it wasn't enough for him to go to her.  He didn't stay with me because the alternative was worse, he stayed with me because he loves me and realized that he did love me.  He could've left, she makes more money then I do, he would've had his life set.  I wouldn't of gone after him for child support and he knows that, plus, I wouldn't of kept his son from him either, he knows that to.  She was nothing to him, if she was, he would still be with her and not me.  If it wasn't her, it would've been someone else.  All she was, was an escape for him.  I'm not sure what it was in your husband's case.  I don't imagine him sleeping with her because it wouldn't benefit me to think about it.  I'm not humiliated because he was the pig here, not me, I was innocent in the entire thing so he was the one who looked bad, not me.  I think the question you need to ask yourself is can I live out the rest of my life like this?  Perhaps it would be best for you to move on.

[lor662]

Ya your right,,but why did he stay with me also,,lets see child support,,loosing everything, alimony,its much easier to stay than go financialy would you not agree,,why not stay and eat out ,,if you no what i mean,,we say the misstress was ugly,,but reality they did not think so,,because an affair starts out as an attraction,,so lets not deny they are spouses where attracted to them,,enough to have multiple times of sex,,would you not think,,we here when its over,,they did not mean anything to us?then why the hell did you lie and risk are life and broke are trust,,did they think they would never have got caught,,thats right thats what they thought,,and buy the time they munipulated us for so long,,they figured out the misstress was no better than the wife,,so myaswell stay with the wify,,cause oh oh,,theres that child support ant the divorce lawyers,,cant take the ***** out no more cause they will be broke *****,,ya its so fun isnt it for them,,loosing your cake because the alternate would be worse,,so ya i do not believe trust can be rstored,,one da down the road if not today that **** will pop up in are heads,,imagne sleeping with us and thm at the same time,,wich they did,,now thats gross,,and funny dont you think,,not to mentin all the others who new,familyfriends,,or at least we thought they were,,you no the ones who new and shut there mouth,,further humiliating us,,no mami,,im happy for you,,youin that place of true forgivness,,for me,,ill never be there,,i no what he is,,A LIER A CHEAT A MANIPULATOR,A *****,,SELFISH,,

[mami1323]

Lor why do you stay with him then? If you can't get passed the hurt feelings why are you still with him? I'm not going to live with my fiancé and keep reminding myself of what he did because I'm not ready to lose my family and he's doing everything he can to make things right. I'm not making excuses for his behavior but I made my choices to and it was to stay and make it work so because of that I have to push those thoughts out of my head and enjoy my relationship the way it is now not 2 years ago.