What about the other woman/man?

[mami1323]

I used to go back and forth with whether or not the other woman was to blame.  Over time I became somewhat "obsessed" with this other woman.  Finding out what she looked like, when I saw her pic wondering why he liked her so much since to me, she was not that attractive.  I focused all my energy and anger on her, even though I know he was the one who made the commitment to me, I still had such hatred for her.  Just wondering what other's opinions are on this subject.

[lovemykids465]

I can see that because I definitely was giving alot of attention to our kids but not any less to him. It was actually hard, because I made sure I did not  neglect him, There were days that I was exhausted and yet he wanted me to go out and support him at his baseball game.Now all I did was sit on the bleachers and watch for 90 mins while  he played. I did not complain because I enjoyed being there for him but it would have been nice to be able to stay and relax but I knew he would feel I was neglecting him. He has admitted that he needs alot of attention and that he is jealous over the kids at times. We were together for 5 years before we had children and we did everything together but within 20 months we had 3 children ( we adopted a 3 year old due to the fact we were told I could not conceive and wouldn't you know in the process of the adoption I got pregnant. She was born and was 8 months old when we finally got our little boy and then when she was 13 months old I found out  I was pregnant again.) So yes, I was neglectful 14 years ago but  when he told me he felt that way we worked it out. Then 9 years ago I found out we were having another one. He was happy but also nervous. Said just got me back and now was gonna loose me to baby again. It didn't happen. We made sure of it. Sadly enough 6 years ago our little girl became ill and then our youngest was diagnosed with  aspbergers syndrome a form of autism. My husband was fine with our daughter needing more attention and stepped in and helped out but as much as he loves our son I know it is hard for him because he does not understand it.  But I will say I am guilty of taking my frustrations out on him ( my husband). I was constantly complaining to him about the way he treated our youngest. He showed him love, please do not take me wrong, and loves him dearly, but if you are away of aspb. It is an emotional disorder where the child is extremely sensitive and anything can trigger an out burst.  But through all this we have gotten help for all of us! It has been a blessing actually and I can not believe I am saying that. And to Lor, Thank you. I know that is how I need to respond. But really I just want to beat the **** out of her.

[mami1323]

I think what teko was referring to is that sometimes we do things unintentionally in a relationship that may cause someone to seek out attention elsewhere.  I know I was not as affectionate or attentive as I used to be and part of it was because I was busy planning our wedding and then being pregnant, I couldn't go out and party anymore, then when our son came, my attention was on him.  I guess my fiance didn't feel like a man because I wasn't stroking his ego and this other woman was.  She wasn't attractive at all but I guess she was giving him the attention I couldn't because I was preoccupied.  I think a mature man would communicate this instead.  My needs were being neglected as well but I also didn't step out on our relationship.  I guess it's also about values and I know my fiance lacked that.

[lor662]

Hello,if you dont mind ill tell you how to react,,happy like she did not do anything to disrupt your family,,let her see that you and your husband are happy,dont worry what she looks like,,it doesnt matter,,your husband choose you so i think looks have nothing to do with it,,its ovious looks are not what matters,,dont concern yourself with it,,and be happy in front of her,,love your kids there you and his,,good luck

[lovemykids465]

Is Teko saying even the victims are guilty in an affair? If so I have to disagree. Things in my relationship were good between my husband and I, so I thought. Later when we discussed why he reassured me it had nothing to do with US but with the stress of his job and having two special needs children one who was in and out of the hospital for a year.At first I was pretty pissed to hear this because It was just as stressful if not more to me but I did not go seek validation else where. ( His was an emotional affair but headed in the physical direction) But I realized he got caught up in a younger, unmarried co- worker boosting his ego while I threw myself into working out. But we still went out, talked ( not about what we were going through with the kids and I see now we both needed that) and physically our relationship was great. He tells me I was doing everything right but talking to her was an escape from the reality that he had one very sick child who he could not make better and one emotionally challenged child who he did not know how to communicate with. He felt like a failure as a father beside the medical expenses adding up. I can say now, Thanks to all of you, that even though this is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, even more painful then when my daughter was diagnosed ( maybe because hers could not be helped. This to me was such an act of betrayal) It had definitely brought my husband and I closer and made our relationship a lot stronger. As for contacting the other women I did. First  I called her cell but it was temp. disconnected, so I looked her # up on the CPU. Hers was unlisted but I called her parents. Her dad willingly gave me her # and when asked why I wanted it I said I'm gonna tell her to stop trying to screw my husband. Her dad laughed and said Okay. Well you may want to call her now before she leaves for work. I did call and left a message on her machine then I called back the next day to make sure she got it. She answered and hung up on me. I tried her cell again it was on so I texted her and then forwarded it to my husband. He tells me ( as one of his coworkers does too) that she avoids him at any cost if possible at work. To tell you the truth it felt great confronting her but I do not know if I could have done it face to face because I do at times wounder what did she have that I don't that attracted him to her? But I guess I will soon find out seeing her little brother plays basketball against my son soon. My husband warned me that she may show up at the game. I do not know how I am going to react the first time I see her but I guess I will have to cross that Bridge when I come to it.

[mami1323]

Well one thing my fiance said was that he could never be with her, even if we split up because she would never ask him how his kids were.  He said any woman who doesn't care to ask, would never be someone he would be with.  His ex was like that.  She wouldn't ask him how his kids were and when we got together, every conversation we would have, I would ask him.  So I think you are right, my fiance said, he just knows that she wouldn't of been any more than what she was to him, the other woman.

[lor662]

So true,but i believe that over all men who look at there affair after its all said and done,,they also look at what kind of woman who  would do that,,entertain being with them when openly knowing there attached,,are partners dont respect them,my husband told me she kept calling him,,constantley knowing he was married making excuses to call him,,my husband is in the car industry so she played those excuses to call my husband ,,im not making excuses for him,,but she was persistant,,to get him,,my husband after looking at her after the mess,called her a selfish munipulator,,a ****,,in his eyes,,but ya any woman who chase a married man are lonley selfish woman,,not mother matireal,,thanks