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509877 tn?1315365294

Depression over "EMPTY NEST"

I am a 45 year old mother of two sons, the oldest one is 19 but wll turn 20 this month. He was in college but dropped out, met a girl (online through a game they both play), and he moved in with her in July of 2012, without my knowledge. I have always told my sons that as long as they stay in school, I will work as many jobs as needed for them to succeed and graduate from college.But if you are not in school or working, you are not going to get financial support from me, so this is why he lives with her. They live about 3 hours away from here and she is also "taking a semester off from school" and does not have to work because her parents pay for all of her bills and in that sense, they are supporting my son too. I am so disappointed in the whole situation. He is totally dependent upon her for everything, he didnt even take his car to her house. I have met her and she is very quiet and shy. She seems to be very "emotionally dependant" on him for her happiness.....
I am feeling very lost, when they visit I am happy and when they leave I just fall apart. He is my son, my firstborn, my world, and no matter how big he gets I still see that little boy that I rocked to sleep and the little boy who needed me. I should add that he left my home on July5th of 2012 and let me believe that he was going to his best friends house, so after 3 or 4 weeks of his being gone, I finally called him to say, I bet your friends mom is a little tierd of you by now, you should come home,..then he finally told me that he has moved to live with this girl in North Carolina. After an initial fit of anger, I calmed down, and I dont blame her for his decision. I just worry everytime he leaves here that i may never see hiim again. And finally to add on all of this my younger son is 17 and will graduate from high school this may, and he is already been accepted at his choice of colleges, so by fall of 2013, he will be out of the house too. I have always been the cub scout leader, the band mom, the chaperone, the committee helper & also chaired committees too. I just dont know why I am so upset about my sons leaving, I have always raised them to be indepenent thinkers and encouraged them to make their own way and to make good decisions. It's like I spent their whole lives preparing them to be out on their own and now I am just not handling it at all. Any suggestions or help would be appreciated.
2 Responses
1551327 tn?1514049467
I am sure you are a great mother.  The most important thing to do is give up control because you are now stuck in a "codependent relationship" with him not unlike the codependent relationship he is in.  Most people can go their how life wondering why their past relationships didn't work.  I doubt very seriously this relationship will stand the test of time.  Being young he will likely have to learn the hard way.  Being in a codependent relationship puts that person in front of family, God, and self.  It gets to a point where you lie and internalize so much that escape is the only way to feel better.
Another thing to keep in mind is to support him and keep the line of communication open between you and him, because when this fails and it most likely will, you can be the person that he calls on.  Don't beat yourself up.  You teach them, nurture them, and support them but in the end they are going to make mistakes.  Life is not easy, and I respect anyone who has made it as many years as you have (no offense).  I have only made it 33 years and let me tell you this life has been hard.
3060903 tn?1398568723
Hey Melissa, it sounds like you've done a grand job raising these boys into men. I too have a son (24) who has been away from home since he was 20. It's hard, but he's only half hour away. We agreed that if he was too far to visit every week, we would get skype so i could video chat with him. It sounds like you would appreciate that. How about seeing how it goes over. I know I would gladly pay the price. My son is trying to get overseas for ESL, or across the country for another educational opportunity. I'm already planning to rent out our space, and following him for a few years. just to see him once or twice a week, so I know how you feel. lol  Enjoy having your youngest still at home this spring and fall. Bring him to all the sites around town, and make some perfect memories while you've still got him there. My son and I have been hiking to waterfalls for the last year, and have so many wonderful videos that I watch all the time, and he's just down the street and around the bend. I feel for you Melissa. Maybe it's time for you to pick up some new hobbies for yourself. I picked up Pyrography recently which is wood burning/carving. It's wonderful~~ If you ever need to talk, just message me. Liz
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