8 years without a solution

[medhelpvolume]

I am 21 and for 8 years i suffer.I went to a therapist and the level of anxiety and distress was enourmous the day i had to go to therapy.I can barely go my psychiatrist.I can hardly talk to him,i feel too anxious,like crying but i do not cry,miserable,i have to force myself to say a few words to the shrink so he can prescribe me something.I did not find the right combination of meds yet.
Sometimes i feel better,but right now i am messed up,probably because i did not get my meds for 1 and half month.I will start them again tomorrow.I feel like throwing up,like crying,guilty,angry.I can not focus,i have tormenting thoughts,sometimes a little paranoid.It seems so bad,i feel like killing myself.I really do not know how i got like this,it happened slowly,and i didn't realise it untill i was 13 .I started thinking that i am not able to focus on any task,so i will be supidest person ever,because if you can not focus you can not do even a simple task.I never told anyone about this untill 19.THEN OTHER THINGS HAUNTED ME,.Weird feeling,sensations,feeling of guilt,worthlessness,extreme anxiety,irrational thoughts.It is all my fault,i do not know.I feel i do not make sense in what i say,it is so weird.I JUST CAN NOT RECOVER ALTHOUGH I STARTED SEEING A PSHYCHIATRIST 2 YEARS AGO.I hate therapy,i am too anxious to talk,i feel to guilty to messed up,i can barely say a few words ti therapist so i do not want to go,and maybe it not very useful to put myself in stressful situation every week only to feel worse in the day i have to visit a therapist.
I just do not know,what is wron with me,i feel like crying but i can not cry.

[Peter Forster]

I am sure that you will be feeling better soon. Now when you are feeling so vulnerable is not the time to try to resolve difficult issues, even though it must seem like you need to resolve them. As you said, this level of distress is often the result in medication changes (such as stopping your medications). That isn't to say that you don't need to tackle these problems, nor that they aren't real, it is just that now is not the right time to do that.
Thanks for reaching out.
Peter

[Jaquta]

It is possible that you are, or have been, experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

If you ever feel like you may kill yourself then you need to go to the hospital.

I didn't like talking to my therapist or about personal things either when I first started therapy.  I think what could be the problem is either the type of therapy or the amount.
I know that when I have one therapy session per week I feel much worse than had I had none.  My last therapist offered me two, and then three, sessions per week and this worked well for me.

I don't think the problem is you.  Yes, you have issues but I think the main problem is the therapy.

I think that your issues have stemmed from your environment, your family, etc.  I don't think what has happened/ is happening is your fault.  It is your responsibility to try and change how you feel now though.