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Anxiety/Depression...Feeling lonely, hopeless, and helpless.
This is not at all where I pictured my life to be at the age of 26, yet somehow it ended up this way. I thought I would have a college degree, career, husband, and kids - or some combination of those 4. Instead I have none of those and they seem impossible. Things seem to come easily for other people, not me.
Maybe it’s not even really what I want after all. Even though I’m totally unhappy with the way things are currently at least I don’t have to put myself out there and risk embarrassment, failure, and rejection. I'm scared of everything.
Even if I had the courage to move away from home and live on my own (still living with my Dad), I can’t even afford it. I can’t support myself on the salary that I make at my current job.
Staying in my “comfort zone”, while not exactly comfortable, is something I’ve spent so many years doing that I don’t know if I even have the ability or energy to change things. Maybe it’s just laziness, I don’t know.
I don’t have fun doing much of anything anymore. I went on vacation to the beach back in the first part of June. I had an okay time but I honestly would’ve been just as content had I been home alone. Nothing seems as important or means as much to be as it once did. I question every thought and emotion to the point that I’m not even sure what I think or feel anymore.
Sometimes I just feel so trapped and feel as though I’m destined to live a lonely miserable life. With the grouchiness and irritability I’ve been experiencing I’m afraid that I will push away everyone in my life that claims to care about me.
Why does everything have to be so difficult for me? How can I ever expect anyone to want to be with me when I don't even like myself? I've never been in a relationship – in fact, I’ve never even been on a single date. Tasks that are routine or simple to other people (making phone calls, going to stores, driving) are often hard for me to do.
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Maybe it’s not even really what I want after all. Even though I’m totally unhappy with the way things are currently at least I don’t have to put myself out there and risk embarrassment, failure, and rejection. I'm scared of everything.
Even if I had the courage to move away from home and live on my own (still living with my Dad), I can’t even afford it. I can’t support myself on the salary that I make at my current job.
Staying in my “comfort zone”, while not exactly comfortable, is something I’ve spent so many years doing that I don’t know if I even have the ability or energy to change things. Maybe it’s just laziness, I don’t know.
I don’t have fun doing much of anything anymore. I went on vacation to the beach back in the first part of June. I had an okay time but I honestly would’ve been just as content had I been home alone. Nothing seems as important or means as much to be as it once did. I question every thought and emotion to the point that I’m not even sure what I think or feel anymore.
Sometimes I just feel so trapped and feel as though I’m destined to live a lonely miserable life. With the grouchiness and irritability I’ve been experiencing I’m afraid that I will push away everyone in my life that claims to care about me.
Why does everything have to be so difficult for me? How can I ever expect anyone to want to be with me when I don't even like myself? I've never been in a relationship – in fact, I’ve never even been on a single date. Tasks that are routine or simple to other people (making phone calls, going to stores, driving) are often hard for me to do.
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MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
I find that so many of the people I meet with have the same feeling that they have to worry about problems, and, often, that they have to criticize themselves for their failures, in order to move forward. But having tried that as a motivational strategy for years, many of them find that it works better for them to devote more energy and effort to acceptance and that that can unleash some energy for change.
Carl Rogers, in his book On Becoming a Person, wrote -
"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I change."
I know, it seems strange but it might be worth considering.
Carl Rogers, in his book On Becoming a Person, wrote -
"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I change."
I know, it seems strange but it might be worth considering.
Thank you for taking time to respond. It does help knowing that people have gone through something similar to what I'm dealing with. That doesn't mean that I still don't feel like the most screwed up person there is. I often times feel like there is something wrong with me mentally and emotionally that seperates me from other people, and that nothing is going to help me. Sure talking to the counselor makes me feel better, though very temporary I should add, but how is just talking going to fix anything? I have a feeling medication is never going to get me to the point where I feel confident in myself and my decisions. Yeah, I'm very pessimistic.
It's just that people keep telling me to live in the present moment - but what if where you are now seems so wrong and is not where you want to be? I'm either depressed and having regrets over my past choices and mistakes or worrying about my future. The here and now isn't too pleasant as I keep wondering where the time went and how I let things get to this point Even though I'm aware that worrying about it isn't going to make things different, I still feel like I need to do so. If I don't keep thinking about it I'm just going to stay stuck in the same trap I've been in for 10 years now. Wasting each day, no forward progress, and not getting any closer to the things I want out of life. I don't want that to ever feel comfortable! It's frustrating to not be working toward any goals and to not have any plans at all. I really have nothing to get excited about in my life.
Thank you all for your help and support.
It's just that people keep telling me to live in the present moment - but what if where you are now seems so wrong and is not where you want to be? I'm either depressed and having regrets over my past choices and mistakes or worrying about my future. The here and now isn't too pleasant as I keep wondering where the time went and how I let things get to this point Even though I'm aware that worrying about it isn't going to make things different, I still feel like I need to do so. If I don't keep thinking about it I'm just going to stay stuck in the same trap I've been in for 10 years now. Wasting each day, no forward progress, and not getting any closer to the things I want out of life. I don't want that to ever feel comfortable! It's frustrating to not be working toward any goals and to not have any plans at all. I really have nothing to get excited about in my life.
Thank you all for your help and support.
I totally understand your feelings. I was very shy as a child and anxious as a teen. I don't date either because I figure I don't do anything fun so I wouldn't have anything to talk about.
I had my first Clinical major depression when I was about 20. I couldn't function at all. Couldn't talk to people, eat, or even leave my room. Just laid in bed basically for weeks at time. I was too anxious to leave my apartment and didn't have the motivation to shower, eat, brush my teeth or even turn on the TV.
I have had low self-esteem issues for most of my life and a lot of up and downs in my moods, but the medications I am on now have eased the depression and (mostly) eliminated the anxiety. I still have some self-esteem issues that I am working on with a counselor, but when I was in my 20s I too felt very worthless and wondered why I bothered existing.
Don't give up on the therapy and medications. Most therapists have worked with many people who have the symptoms as we have, but if you find that your are not able to talk to or feel comfortable with your therapist, ask for a referral to someone else. I tried about 3 therapists before I found one I was comfortable around and eventually able to trust. I try to think of my depressions, anxiety, and self-esteem issues as symptoms of my disorder. They do not define who I am as a person or my worth as a person.
As for the meds, they are very fickle. Every medication and/or combination of meds work differently (and have TOTALLY different side effects) for different people. I tried many different meds and combinations of meds over the past 14 years. Some worked (but had side effects I wouldn't tolerate) and many didn't. I have again found something that is working for me (and without any side effects that I have noticed yet). Don't give up if one or more doesn't work for you. I understand how impossible it seems for anything to ever get better, but hang in there.
Also, if you psychiatrist hasn't informed you, it can take 4-6 for an antidepressant to show signs of improvement in your moods and feelings. It is a long process, but worth it in the end. If things get to where you are thinking about death or hurting yourself even more, there are suicide hot-lines out there. Ask your doc or therapist or find one on the internet. In the US, try 1-800-SUICIDE.
Don't let your mom or other people in your life prevent you from continuing with your treatment. People who have not had depression or anxiety don't understand what it feels like for us, so sometimes you just have to let go of those that make you feel worse for a time. At least until you are feeling more stable and in control of your symptoms.
I hope this post hasn't completely overwhelmed you, but I just want you to understand that all of us in the Mood Disorders Forum have felt the way you feel. And that doesn't make any of us less worthwhile than any "normal" person. We all understand and want to help, so keep coming back here when you need to.
I had my first Clinical major depression when I was about 20. I couldn't function at all. Couldn't talk to people, eat, or even leave my room. Just laid in bed basically for weeks at time. I was too anxious to leave my apartment and didn't have the motivation to shower, eat, brush my teeth or even turn on the TV.
I have had low self-esteem issues for most of my life and a lot of up and downs in my moods, but the medications I am on now have eased the depression and (mostly) eliminated the anxiety. I still have some self-esteem issues that I am working on with a counselor, but when I was in my 20s I too felt very worthless and wondered why I bothered existing.
Don't give up on the therapy and medications. Most therapists have worked with many people who have the symptoms as we have, but if you find that your are not able to talk to or feel comfortable with your therapist, ask for a referral to someone else. I tried about 3 therapists before I found one I was comfortable around and eventually able to trust. I try to think of my depressions, anxiety, and self-esteem issues as symptoms of my disorder. They do not define who I am as a person or my worth as a person.
As for the meds, they are very fickle. Every medication and/or combination of meds work differently (and have TOTALLY different side effects) for different people. I tried many different meds and combinations of meds over the past 14 years. Some worked (but had side effects I wouldn't tolerate) and many didn't. I have again found something that is working for me (and without any side effects that I have noticed yet). Don't give up if one or more doesn't work for you. I understand how impossible it seems for anything to ever get better, but hang in there.
Also, if you psychiatrist hasn't informed you, it can take 4-6 for an antidepressant to show signs of improvement in your moods and feelings. It is a long process, but worth it in the end. If things get to where you are thinking about death or hurting yourself even more, there are suicide hot-lines out there. Ask your doc or therapist or find one on the internet. In the US, try 1-800-SUICIDE.
Don't let your mom or other people in your life prevent you from continuing with your treatment. People who have not had depression or anxiety don't understand what it feels like for us, so sometimes you just have to let go of those that make you feel worse for a time. At least until you are feeling more stable and in control of your symptoms.
I hope this post hasn't completely overwhelmed you, but I just want you to understand that all of us in the Mood Disorders Forum have felt the way you feel. And that doesn't make any of us less worthwhile than any "normal" person. We all understand and want to help, so keep coming back here when you need to.
Sometimes it feels like I take 1 step forward and then immediately 2 steps back. I have so much doubt as to if this is all worth it or not, counseling and medication. One minute I can tell myself things are going to be okay - the next I'm like what the heck am I doing? Knowing what I want out of life, which I'm still unsure, and being able to go for it or knowing how to get there seem impossible. It makes me so jealous to see people out and about, seemingly carefree, all the while I worry about everything. I can't stop wondering what people think about me and I never feel good enough. No one is every going to want to be with me. How pathetic is it that I'm 26 and have never been on a date? - I've been asked, I just won't go, it would be way too stressful! Seriously, how did things end up like this? I never thought I would be working at the same lousy job since I was 18. If this was a test of just straight book smarts I'd be somewhat okay, but as for being able to function in the "real world" I really don't feel as though I know how to. Going out in public, say to the grocery store, has gotten to the point that I have to just focus on what I need to get and get out of there. I can't look at anyone or I start feeling paranoid. This is so stupid, but say I wanted to get a different kind of cereal than what I typically get, I feel anxiety looking at all the different choices and trying to choose one. What is wrong with me? It's so ridiculous!
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
I am glad to hear that you feel that things may be a little better. That is important. Like the first snowdrop blooming in the spring, while there are still patches of brown snow on the ground, it is a sign of what is coming.
This is a difficult time. You have begun to really work on things, but despite the effort that you are putting in, not much has changed.
The work that you are putting in will yield results, though.
Try, when you can, to do good things for yourself. I found an interesting webpage that you might want to look at.
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/self-sooth.html
Since your parents seem to be unable to support you, you will have to learn how to support yourself, and how to reach out to others for support, as you are doing here.
In other words - you are doing well, you can feel proud of yourself!
This is a difficult time. You have begun to really work on things, but despite the effort that you are putting in, not much has changed.
The work that you are putting in will yield results, though.
Try, when you can, to do good things for yourself. I found an interesting webpage that you might want to look at.
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/self-sooth.html
Since your parents seem to be unable to support you, you will have to learn how to support yourself, and how to reach out to others for support, as you are doing here.
In other words - you are doing well, you can feel proud of yourself!
Sorry,because my answer is not related to the topic.how can i post a question in this forum?I do not see a button"post question"
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