mood disorder for 7 years

[medhelpvolume]

Since i was a child i used to be hyper (wrestling with my dad,people coming over,was bored rapidly,lack of patience,hated reading),very dissorganised,i would get wrong all the simple answers at math test whreas i would solve the hard problems>Now i am 20 and for the last 7 years i feel different in a bad way.Agitated,nervous,impulsive,i lack organisational skills,i hate doing paper work,it just stresses me.I feel depressed,somtimes i have thought of suicide.Sometimes i have this paranoica guilt that i should purify myself to a therapist ,i do not get it,(i mean why should i tell someone all my personal stuff,right)but when guilt hits me i feel extremly depressed and guilty.and bad.I also suffer from anxiety,especially when meeting new people.My mind feels empty in many occasions ,like brain fogg,i have trouble planning and do math calculations.I hate when people say no to me,it frustrates me so bad,so bad,i feel like crying or killing someone
Now the other part of the story.I see a shrink,i take luvox 50 mg,Valproic acid 300 mg and clonazepam 2 mg.i am a third year computer science student and get good grades but struggle a lot.I play soccer,tennis,pin pong and basketball.
I will not go to a therapist,because it makes me feel worthless and depressed talking about my feelings.Although sometimes guilt kills me
What do you think doc?
What should i do with this pshychotic guilt and feeling of inner tension?And by the way how likely is that i have ADULT ADHD?

[Peter Forster]

I don't know of such a foundation. It sounds like a good idea, though.
Also you may want to take a look at this website, it has some pretty good information and ideas that may be useful to you -
http://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/

[medhelpvolume]

I ca see your point doc,and i really appreciate your advices,you seem a friendly person.Regarding therapy,i will consider it after meds will kick in,in september i will ask my shrink to double the dosage of Luvox and for adhd medication.
By the way,do you happen to know a foundation who can help me(A computer science student from Romania,where healthcare is poor) to come in USA and get treatement for mental health?I promise you that if doctors in USA make me feel as i once was i will work in USA to repay all the help they would have given me.It would be my pleasure.
Next week i will send letters to Bill Gates and Warren Buffet foundations explaining my situation and asking them for help,to finance my treatment and diagnosis in USA,wich i will pay it once i am back on my feet

[Peter Forster]

After I read your message this is what came to mind, I don't know if it will seem relevant or not.
When I was a young man I used to be very skeptical about the value of psychotherapy. I went to see a few therapists who seemed pretty clueless... and that may have contributed to that feeling. But also I was pretty smart and pretty aware of myself and my feelings, and had a much better understanding of psychology than my parents did... so for many reasons it was hard to believe that someone else could help with my problems, if I couldn't resolve them myself. I can remember that feeling well.
Now from a different perspective I see that I could have benefited from help, not so much in understanding as in getting out of certain stuck patterns of thought. Practicing and developing skills in approaching difficulties in a different way.

[medhelpvolume]

First of all doc, thank you for appreciating my effort.I solve differnetial equations,physics problems.Secondly when guilt comes it comes with anxiety,pranoic feelings agitation and and logic and constructive thinking doesn't work in those moments,it is like being on drugs, because there is no logic about this paranoic feeling of guilt(it just a feeling wich pushes hard me you on every apect,motivation,stomach,head,i get nausea,make me think there is no solution to my life,and i do not know if it even it is really guilt,it just extremly tormenting feeling.Thoughts do not make sense  in those moments and and feel very anxious).I say it not guilt because in those moments anything stupid can make feel as the worst person in the world and worthless
So it dosen't do any good talking about guilt when it is more than guilt it is a feeling wich make you want to die,you do not deserve to live,althoug i feel better since taking medications.
By the way i di did not mention in this reply the ADHD symptoms wich i mentioned in the previous post,so you must know that i do have those too.

[Peter Forster]

You have certainly got a lot to be proud of given how hard it has been for you to deal with your depression, anxiety and frustration.
You may not be surprised to learn that there are not simple answers to the problems that you have had to wrestle with your entire life.
When I approach someone with a story similar to yours I find that I need to take a lot of time doing an assessment. There are a number of conditions to consider and, in some cases, it matters a lot what the time course was of the symptoms and how they relate to each other - which is not an easy thing to figure out. For example, your problem of being "hyper" could be a manifestation of Attention Deficit Disorder, and/or Bipolar Disorder, and/or an Anxiety Disorder, and/or another disorder.
I think that you have correctly identified the issue of guilt (and perhaps shame) as a very important one. It would be good if you could find someone (some people) who could help you work on this issue, but changing your feelings of guilt is likely to take some time, so you would need to find someone to help you who you feel you can really trust. Not all therapists are the same, and I do think you might be able to find one who could help you with this issue. Other people find that talking to a spiritual counselor may be helpful (I don't know your background so I don't know if that might make sense).
One interesting approach to this problem is something called Compassion Focused Therapy... this might seem like more therapy mumbo-jumbo, but it is actually a very thoughtful and scientific approach to the problem of dysregulated emotions.
I guess the basic point is that there are people out there who are able to help with this problem. If you trust your psychiatrist you may want to discuss these ideas with him.
Take care.