Off topic; my sister is becoming homeless...

[Fluffysmom]

I've been staying with my best friend in her townhouse, but keeping my apartment in town, as I couldn't afford to get another (I'm in low income housing).

My sister is three years older than me and has been going through tough times.  She's been denied for SSD, and is re-applying.  She lost her car, the house she's renting, is going to sell all she has in storage as she can't afford the storage unit rent, and her money has run out and she can't stay in her cheap hotel past Saturday.

She is in despair, and asked if she could stay in my apartment.  I love her dearly, though we aren't close.  I'm concerned, though, as her main medication is of the herbal variety, and should any be found in my apartment I would be evicted.  My lease says I can have a visitor up to two weeks a year, but they can't be staying there by themselves.  Maintenance is supposed to be fixing my coat closet door, so they can enter at any time to do that, and I have an inspection coming up July 7th.

I want to help her, but I don't want to endanger my home, my safe haven.  What if she forgot to lock the deadbolt when she left; there are people in the building that like to steal things, and I have some nice things.  She promised that she wouldn't have visitors or use her medication there, but she has a coconut oil infused with her medicine that she mixes with melted chocolate and spreads on cookies.  An illegal substance (not saying it should be illegal, just that it is) would be in my home.

Her son got fired from his job and is missing; what happens if he shows up?  He's made some bad choices in life, tried to clean up his act, but now he's gone missing.  What a mess!

I don't want her to be homeless!  What do I do?  I'm taking her out to lunch tomorrow, and to get a prescription filled at Costco.  What do I tell her?

Help!

Kathy

[Fluffysmom]

Aw, shucks!

It did wear me out so I just had a sandwich for dinner last night, but I slept for 10 hours and will make my chicken tamale casserole tonight.  I did shred the chicken breast for it last night.

I have to take good care of myself.  There is so little energy in my body, and my supply of Provigil is running down.

I can hardly wait for my appt. with Quix's neuro; I hope he can find me some answers!  I have my appt. with my oto-neurologist next week, to see what he thinks of my test results that mention possible diffuse cochlear disease in both ears, then my rheumy July 6 to go over my abnormal test result, and see what input he has.

Well, with the nice weather comes the good local produce, and I sure feel better when I'm eating better!  I've been having blueberries on my cereal, there are fresh beets, corn on the cob, and a cut up watermelon in the fridge to enjoy.  I got a huge container of mixed salad greens from Costco, and can have salads with yummy stuff on them.

I need the energy to update my timeline, finish my Social Security Disability Update Report, and more; in other words, to take care of me and my life.

I'm lucky to have the support and understanding of such a great group of people here on the forum; part of my "chosen" family!

Hugs,

Kathy

[Rena705]

I am sooo glad that this meeting went a whole lot better than you had expected it to be honey!!  You are a strong woman and you are in charge of your life and as I said before, we can't choose our relatives.  

I hope that you will be able to let this go now and get on with your own life and the continuing search for answers which must be getting close by now...wouldn't ya think?  Please let us know how your sis is doing when and if you hear from her.  I know that it is stressful when something like this is thrown in our faces and I wouldn't want to see you getting sicker because of it...TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST!!

Lots of Hugs,
Rena

[Mand125]

Hi Kathy
I wonder how many of us read your post and wondered what we would do in a similar situation. I certainly did and I have no idea what I would have done.

You seem to have handled the situation really well, I hope things work out for your sister and that you are able to take some well earned rest.

Mand

[Lulu54]

Kathy,
I'm so proud of you for being honest and compassionate with your sister.  Hopefully this will open some more opportunities for the two of you to spend time together, without expectations of money or other assistance.  It really sounds like it couldn't have gone much better.

now get cookin'!
L

[Fluffysmom]

Well, my visit with my sister went better than expected, in a funny kind of way.

I showed up at her motel a little early, so I called up to her room; no answer.  I thought maybe she was in the shower, so thought I'd wait before climbing the stairs and knocking.

My phone rang; my sister wanting to know if I'm on the freeway.  I told her I was sitting at her motel, and she said "Oh, man, I'm so sorry, I spent the night with friends last night, and thought we were meeting at noon, so I'm out at 136th and Powell, can you come and pick me up?"

I was at 82nd and Halsey, so it was quite a drive, but I just smile to myself, shook my head, and said "sure, I'll be there as soon as I can".  She told me to pick her up at the Plaid Pantry.

She had on a baseball cap, and asked me to stop at a Dollar Tree so she could by some cheap sunglasses, as she had left hers at her friend's house.  I caught a glimpse of her eyes; red and kind of squinty; she'd definitely had some "medication".

I took her to lunch, and explained why she couldn't stay at my apartment.  She actually took it quite well, as she had just sold a bunch of her belongings for $350.  We talked about her plans for the future, and they sounded positive, if not just pipe dreams.

I asked if my paying for one more week at her motel would help, and she got tears in her eyes and said "you don't know how much it would help, and how much it means to me".  She's looking into some options and will call me and let me know what she finds out,and I'll help her out if needed (I set a dollar limit).

She thanked me for buying her lunch, and sincerely seemed to be enjoying my company.  She did ask if I could rent her a smaller storage unit in my name since a new rental gets the first month for $1, but I pointed out that I would get the bill.  She said that she would give me the money, and I looked in her eyes and asked her how many times we had seen each other in the last year.

She looked ashamed, and said it was just an idea, and admitted that she wasn't sure that she would get one of the jobs that she had applied for.  I took her back to her room, and she showed me the hemp marcrame jewelry she's been making; she does really nice work.  She even asked for my advice, since I make other kinds of jewelry.

I told her that I have free time often, and that I would like to get together with her again and just have some fun.  I have a zoo memberships that allows me to take free guests, so maybe she would enjoy that; I'll bet she hasn't been there for years.

I'm pretty tired out, as the whole thing was kind of stressful, but as I said, it went much better than I expected.  She was tired, too, though I left her around 2pm, so I could beat the traffic home.  I think I used up my whole Provigil already, and I planned on making dinner.  I'll rest a bit and see if I can throw together a rather simple recipe, and have a salad on the side.

Thanks for all the hugs, prayers, well wishes, and so on; I think they really helped.  Those of you that have been through similar situations, you understand how it feels to realize that you're not alone in this, and that so many others have been through it and understand.

Many, many thanks and hugs,

Kathy

[Guitar_grrrl]

Golly, does this bring up ghosts!  I learned much during that time in my life (this involved my daughter who is now 6 years clean and sober), including how to set boundaries and stick to them, and how to "Love and Detach"  Of course you love you sister for who she is, but her addiction is not yours, nor does it have to be.  

Everyone here has given good suggestions.  Take what you need, leave the rest, and for Heaven's sakes, take good care of yourself, first!!

Big California Hugs!
Guitar_grrrl

[Fluffysmom]

Ah, yes, but she doesn't think she has a substance abuse problem; to her it is her medication, the only one that works for her pain.  She stopped using Fentanyl patches and rarely touches her Vicodin any more because of it.

As I see it, since she started growing her medicine, she lost her drive to do anything not related to it, or gardening some veggies in her back yard.  All her friends are associated with that medicine network.  It's legal here in Oregon, but still illegal federally.

My nephew has been known to sink into other substances, so he's a definite NO as well as being anywhere near my home.

It's sad not to trust her, but I really don't know her.  Years ago, my best friend took her and I to Puerto Vallarta to stay at her time share; we just had to pay airfare, and a little to help pay the maintainace fees.  My sis didn't seem to appreciate that.  She was gettting sick with bacterial endocarditis at the time, but still...

She made a point of going back with her son to an all-inclusive resort a year or two later, and telling me how nice it was and didn't cost much more that my friend's resort.  The resort my friend has a time-share at is a premium place; she couldn't have afforded to rent a room there.

As for the Aerobed, I was going to let her use the bed because she has a bad hip, and complains about other pains.  Um, I also have a bad hip, bad knees, bad back; I was being silly!

My sister had known this was coming for many months.  All I can do is give her that one more week's cushion, and hope and pray that she pushes herself to find a better situation.  This is a woman that used to be a computer programmer, class valedictorian, straight A student.  She must still be smart enough to get herself out of this fix.

She said that she's tried all the agencies and churches; I'll tell her to try again, to see about taking one of those positions where she helps out an elderly person with cooking and such while staying in a room in their house.  

I'll tell her that my lease is very specific and my manager has been evicting people for violations, that there are many neighbors that watch and report anything out of the ordinary.

That I have three different neighbors around my apartment that drink together.  I called the police on one after a loud party where I heard a loud thump and then "she's not breathing, call 911!"  I also reported another neighbor for propping his door open so that all the cigarette smoke from his 3 smokers went out in the hall, then propped open the window at the end of the hall in freezing weather.

Any of those neighbors would be glad to report that a stranger (to them) is going in and out of my apartment when I haven't been around, and that she has a key-card to the building.  

I got the second key-card for my best friend, who is listed as my contact person in case of emergency.  No one in my family qualifies as a person to contact in case of emergency; both parents and one brother deceased, next closest sister in Bend and not in touch with me, brother in Washington, and not in touch with me.  

I've made my own family out of friends.  Those old ties still bind, though.  I wish the best for my sister and hope she finds her way to clarity and peace.

I'll do some mindfulness meditation, breathing exercises, before I go and pick her up today.

Kathy

[LLWB]

There may be help for her from the Salvation Army also, and some area churches have funds for motels for homeless people on a short term basis. I think your end conclusion is the right one, IMHO. If you were evicted for not following the rules, I don't think you could ever qualify again. Havbing your own home is too precious to chance it. And just for curiosity sake, why were you going to be the one on the aerobed!!!! When guests come to stay with me, they get the futon, my back isn't up to it.  I know it's hard to tell any family member no. But she had to have known this was coming. At one point I told myt daughter she couldn't come live with me, due to some of those "substance" issues. And my ex-husband and I had to ship his son back to his ex-wife because of the same type problems.  Just mentioned this so you know you are not alone in this. As they say, you can choose your friends, but not your family.

Good luck to both you and her, and I will say a prayer that tomorrow goes okay with your lunch.

Take 10 deep breathes, stress is not good for you!  Take care.

Maggie

[Karen99]

The bottom line is that you don't trust her.  You could find yourself in a terrible situation if she were not to comply with necessary rules.  What would happen if her son showed up and created a problem?  If there are mental health and substance abuse issues......what a huge headache it could become for you.  I know, I have a sister that has serious substance abuse problems.  Her problems are bigger than me.  Any contact I've had with her in the last couple of years cost me plenty.  Once the pendulum sways in the direction that you will pay dearly,  and a person cannot be trusted not to bring grief into your life......you have your answer.  

You might be surprised how resourceful your sister can be once she knows that she will not be able to stay at your place. Best of luck.  

[Fluffysmom]

Thank you all so much for your great advice and suggestions.

She knew this was coming on several weeks ago, and called and asked me for help, money-wise.  I had none to give, but gave her all the agencies I knew of, told her of churches that helped people out, told her about food boxes and shelters and everything I could find.

She has a social worker, counselor, and has contacted many agencies.  She has food stamps.  She's even looked into living with a senior that needs help with shopping, meals, and cleaning, but most of the placements they had were fairly far from the bus lines, and my sis doesn't have a car, and would find it difficult to do the shopping and go for job interviews.

I forgot about the 211; thanks, Nancy!

Today she said that all the shelters were full, mostly the ones accepting women took those with children first. She said that she couldn't find a program that had any funding to help her out for a cheap place to stay.  I know that is true, having called Central City Concern, Project Independence, Housing Authority, etc.

I've decided I can pay for one more week for her at her motel, then if she hasn't found a place, then let her stay at my place for the two weeks, either staying there myself or going in nearly every day.

I'll give her very strict rules to follow, and check in to make sure that she's following them.  I'll have my friend down at the other end of the hall keep an eye on her, too, and make sure that the gossips in the building have a good story as to why she's staying "with me".

Rena, I can't afford to lose my apartment.  It's a one bedroom, but I have an Aerobed that I can set up on the dining room floor, and bring Fluffy with me.  My sister won't be thrilled with that situation for too long!  Fluffy talks a lot and never uses air freshener when he uses the bathroom!  :o)

She did help me out twice before; once when I first moved to Portland, she let me live in her basement until I could afford an apartment, then another time for a while when another living situation fell apart.  She had strict rules, like I had to get Fluffy neutered and his mom, Ginger spayed, but I needed to do that anyway.  It wasn't the best situation, but it kept me from spending everything I had on a cheap motel.

She didn't help me out after I'd lost my job, my unemployment ran out, and I hadn't been approved by Social Security yet.  I found a single room occupancy in a house full of strange people, and got by.  I learned a lot, actually.

I'll help her in whatever ways I can without hurting myself.  Maybe we'll actually get to know each other finally.

She has talked about how depressed and anxious she's been, and about getting help for that.  She may check in for an evaluation.  I told her how I had learned here that psych evaluations can be very helpful.  They can either point you toward the right medication or therapy, or prove that your problems aren't "all in your head" and maybe help her SSD re-application process.

Maybe she'll check in somewhere.  She's afraid they'll keep her after her 3 day evaluation.  I should have told her that its unlikely unless she really needed it, since most places don't keep people WITH insurance for very long.

Oh, having written all of the above, I can't imagine staying in my one-bedroom apartment with my sister!  I know her well enough to know it would not be good!  I think it would be too stressful; the thought of the Aerobed for two weeks makes me ache all over.  Fluffy would meow all night, keeping us both awake.

I'll just have to tell her that it can't be done, that I can't afford to risk losing my home.

The sad thing is, I've let two of my friends stay there in the past; one to cat-sit while I was away for two weeks, and another that was waiting for her Section 8 Housing to be approved.  Its sad when you can trust your friends more than your family.  I know them better than I do her.  Besides, management has changed and the new manager is evicting people right and left.

I'll let her know that I'm paying her motel bill for another week, buy her lunch, maybe find some other ways to help her, but I'll just have to tell her that I can't let her stay in my apartment.

Wish me well!  

Hugs and thanks,

Kathy

[saveone]

Kathy my dad always said that all that could be expected of anyone is to do the best they can do in the situation they are in with the tools they have.

I think you have been given some good advice.  I don't know your situation personally so I can't really say do this or that so all I can say is do the best you can in the situation you are in.  You know what you can do and what you can't, what you can live with and what you can't.

But I want to day even though she is your sister you do not owe her your safety and security only your the assistance you can give her while insuring you are safe and secure.

I think I am repeating myself or that I am not making any sense...not really sure...lots of brain fog.

I am sending you all the strength you need to make a good decision.

you'll be in my thoughts

terry

[Rena705]

Wow...that is a tough one but in my humble opinion you should get the names of some agencies that might be able to help her and explain to her that you are not allowed to have visitors.

I have a half sister that is pretty much estranged and if she were up to the same "medication" your sister is I wouldn't think twice about covering my own backside.  Think of it as if you were in her position...would she be there for you?  Probably not and you have to think that is you were in opposite positions, would you rely on her for help?

I think if she knows the tough position you are in yourself she should understand the reasons why you can't put her up.  It's a lot to ask of a person regardless of whether or not you are related and unfortunately we can't pick our relatives.

I don't know if I have been any help honey but know that my thoughts are with you and I hope you are able to make a decision that you can live with.  Don't forget that you would be worried sick 24/7 if she was there alone and I don't really think your health can afford the stress of that situation.  Let us know how it goes hon and I hope you don't let this get you too upset...it isn't worth it...especially when the two of you are more like acquaintances than sisters.

Lots of Hugs,
Rena

[rendean]

I can't offer any better advice than you've already gotten from the folks who posted before me. Just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts as you deal with this difficult situation.

Ren

[PastorDan]

Yeah, what all of the above said (though I'm wondering if it isn't 311, or maybe 611, around here).  We'll pray for a good and fast resolution.

[Sarahsmom46]

This is such a heart wrenching situation and know you aren't the only one going through it.  I have a similar situation going on with my older brother right now that we are still trying to find a reasonable solution for.

Your sister does need you, but you can only do what you can do leagally and morally.  Ess, Lu and the rest have given some good suggestions and I can't thnk of anything else that would be new, but I do know you guys will come up with something that will work.  

Is it possible for the two of you to live together if your agreement can be ammended?  I assume you are living in a one-bedroom.  Is that the case?  I know she would probably not want to stay with you any longer than she has to either so hopefully letting her come stay with your for the 2 weeks can make all the difference.  

I wish we had a social system here that would keep people like your sister and my brother who also has significant health issues from falling through the cracks.  Please let us know if we can do anything to help even if it is to just listen.  

You are good at finding needles in haystacks Kathy. Keep looking and you will find a way to help her without causing problems for yourself.  

Julie

[essdipity]

Here's my advice, for what it's worth:

I don't see how you can deny help to your sister, but you can help her and still impose some strict rules. Let her move in for the max 2 weeks, but that should be the absolute limit. Move back home yourself while she's there and 'supervise' what she does. Don't give her a key.

Her entire agenda while she's there should be to find a permanent arrangement. That means contacting all possible social services agencies. Help her with this as much as you can. Help her to look for a job, any honest job. If you have family other than your nephew, get them involved too. But make sure she understands from the beginning that you cannot violate the terms of your lease for her.

This will be harder on you than on her, but some things we just have to do.

Hope this helps.

ess

[Lulu54]

Kathy,
Its time to make some tough choices here.  Can you afford to risk losing your apartment?  If it really isn't necessary to you and you wouldn't really miss it, then go ahead and help your sister.  Let her stay and hope she isn't caught in violation of any of the rules.

If losing your apt is a big deal, you had best think about this decision long and hard.  You already know that letting her stay alone is in direct violation of your lease/contract. That is enough reason for you to tell her no.

And don't kid yourself for a minute tht there wouldn't be someone in your complex more than happy to call management and complain.

Is there any way you can move back to your apt and spend time with her there?  That way at least you are in control of the situation. Perhaps you can be a positive influence and help her to put some things in order.

good luck in figuring this out.
Lulu

[Nancy T]

Have her call 211 for info and referral to social service agencies that can help her.