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Marriage and MS
I was wondering how you married folks keep up your marriage and deal with MS? My husband and I love each other very much, we are soul mates and we will stay together forever. But we do have our fights like every normal married couple but it seems our fights circle around me feeling horrible any more these days. I was very honest with him when we started dating that I was sick and he told me he didnt care that he loved me.
But when we get into our random once in awhile fights it seems he brings up how tired he is and how he needs a break. He says I stay home with my son and still need naps and still seem to be floundering. I tried explaining that even if i stay home i still do things and im tired. I dont know how to fix this. It must be very hard on him to help take care of me (just at times) and our 1 year old son and work and extra things around the house.
He normally does it and is fine with it but sometimes i can see his stress level rising and he needs a break. I feel very guilty, even though he tells me not to and that he is glad to help out in any way he can. He apologizes for snapping once in awhile but i dont want me being sick to make him resent me for all of this in the end. I try so hard to give him breaks when i cant but then there are times where i wish i could help but i have no energy to move let alone walk.
If anyone could give me tips on ways to give him breaks? He doesnt really have friends..or drink..he just works and comes home. How do you married people overcome this kind of adversity?
thanks
inny
But when we get into our random once in awhile fights it seems he brings up how tired he is and how he needs a break. He says I stay home with my son and still need naps and still seem to be floundering. I tried explaining that even if i stay home i still do things and im tired. I dont know how to fix this. It must be very hard on him to help take care of me (just at times) and our 1 year old son and work and extra things around the house.
He normally does it and is fine with it but sometimes i can see his stress level rising and he needs a break. I feel very guilty, even though he tells me not to and that he is glad to help out in any way he can. He apologizes for snapping once in awhile but i dont want me being sick to make him resent me for all of this in the end. I try so hard to give him breaks when i cant but then there are times where i wish i could help but i have no energy to move let alone walk.
If anyone could give me tips on ways to give him breaks? He doesnt really have friends..or drink..he just works and comes home. How do you married people overcome this kind of adversity?
thanks
inny
Thank you everyone for such kind words and awesome suggestions. Sumbandevii- thank you, my husband has off every saturday and sunday and i think that would be great idea to try and implement. It will be alittle harder with my one year old but im sure my sister in law may be able to help me (since she lives with us)
Lulu- thats a great idea ..the group thing. I will definitely look into that. Thank you for that kind comment. I love my husband and I want to help him in anyway i possibly can especially since this is so hard for him now that im getting worse. Being sick, im so sick of talking about me and how im feeling and whats wrong..im sick of myself lol. Its good to try and focus on him and fix that problem instead of worrying about myself
Sarah- good luck to you! I hope when your husband returns that it will go smoothly for you. Perhaps giving him some reading material and a copy of anything the doctor has (if you feel comfortable) so he can see for himself? I wish you luck. And let me say, Thank you to your husband for fighting for our country and Thank you for playing a part in our countries freedom.
Coach- Im sorry that both of you are struck with this however Im glad that you both understand each other
Alex- thank you for all of those great suggestions on what to look for and keep up with. And that is very nice that you did that for your husband. I will have to find something like that to do.
D- lol I have that happen to me! But your more than welcome to repost a question that may suit better to your individual need if you feel its a good idea!! I was working not to long ago, part time. And he seemed not as stressed in helping out so much when i was working. Especially with me taking naps. But I can see his confusion of why im so exhausted staying home...so i figured if I help him destress and give him some time he wont be so stressed out so much.Thank you for your support!
Lulu- thats a great idea ..the group thing. I will definitely look into that. Thank you for that kind comment. I love my husband and I want to help him in anyway i possibly can especially since this is so hard for him now that im getting worse. Being sick, im so sick of talking about me and how im feeling and whats wrong..im sick of myself lol. Its good to try and focus on him and fix that problem instead of worrying about myself
Sarah- good luck to you! I hope when your husband returns that it will go smoothly for you. Perhaps giving him some reading material and a copy of anything the doctor has (if you feel comfortable) so he can see for himself? I wish you luck. And let me say, Thank you to your husband for fighting for our country and Thank you for playing a part in our countries freedom.
Coach- Im sorry that both of you are struck with this however Im glad that you both understand each other
Alex- thank you for all of those great suggestions on what to look for and keep up with. And that is very nice that you did that for your husband. I will have to find something like that to do.
D- lol I have that happen to me! But your more than welcome to repost a question that may suit better to your individual need if you feel its a good idea!! I was working not to long ago, part time. And he seemed not as stressed in helping out so much when i was working. Especially with me taking naps. But I can see his confusion of why im so exhausted staying home...so i figured if I help him destress and give him some time he wont be so stressed out so much.Thank you for your support!
It never fails that every time I have a question here I come online and someone else already asked it.
My husband is used to me keeping up and doing all the cooking, laundry, bills, shopping, etc. Luckily he doesn't complain about the house not being super clean. We have a 5 year old and I can't work. When I did work full time, he seemed happier to help around the house. Among other things in our marriage, my MS has greatly effected my ability to take care of my family.
My husband spends his "husband time" hiking up mountains and then comes home and complains about how much pain he is in. He is also insistant that if I did Yoga I would feel better. He is very supportive of my condition and limitations, but I am afraid that 10 years from now things will be different.
I wish I had answers for you, but I know it is important to remember that more of this is you viewing yourself as less capable, and not so much your family looking down on you. I hope that makes sense.
A friends of mine lost her husband 4 weeks ago in a total freak accident at home. They were both healthy, happy and creating a beautiful life. It goes to show that you really NEVER know what tomorrow will bring. Appreciate what you have and don't let the bad get you down.
Everyone is right, if this continues, you should seek counseling and tell your Dr.
Big hugs to you
D
My husband is used to me keeping up and doing all the cooking, laundry, bills, shopping, etc. Luckily he doesn't complain about the house not being super clean. We have a 5 year old and I can't work. When I did work full time, he seemed happier to help around the house. Among other things in our marriage, my MS has greatly effected my ability to take care of my family.
My husband spends his "husband time" hiking up mountains and then comes home and complains about how much pain he is in. He is also insistant that if I did Yoga I would feel better. He is very supportive of my condition and limitations, but I am afraid that 10 years from now things will be different.
I wish I had answers for you, but I know it is important to remember that more of this is you viewing yourself as less capable, and not so much your family looking down on you. I hope that makes sense.
A friends of mine lost her husband 4 weeks ago in a total freak accident at home. They were both healthy, happy and creating a beautiful life. It goes to show that you really NEVER know what tomorrow will bring. Appreciate what you have and don't let the bad get you down.
Everyone is right, if this continues, you should seek counseling and tell your Dr.
Big hugs to you
D
My husband hates it when things get "All about me so to speak". Luckily he likes to ride his bike and I let him whenever he wants even if it is all day Saturday. Two I make sure since he is the main bred winner I keep the house cleaned and take the cars in for maintenance. Third whether I feel like it or not I keep up with our sex life, sometimes my MS does not make MS much fun for me.. Forth communication is important. The NMSS society has a good couple teleconference. Luckily our local chapter had a week end program. When he comes home I turn of the TV etc and ask how his day went and listen. Fifth I think it is imperative to keep my health up especially since I may be in a wheelchair at sometime. I do not want him to have to carry more of my weight than necessary.. I do not smoke, drink, and I exercise.
I put money away for him to go on his dream vacation when I got diagnosed. He wants to ride from Paris to Brest back to Paris a ride held every four years. He can go next year if he wishes.
I realize the MS is scary and embarrassing for my husband but he is a great guy. He does not have to face it the same way I do.
Oh an laughing together is key.
Alex
I put money away for him to go on his dream vacation when I got diagnosed. He wants to ride from Paris to Brest back to Paris a ride held every four years. He can go next year if he wishes.
I realize the MS is scary and embarrassing for my husband but he is a great guy. He does not have to face it the same way I do.
Oh an laughing together is key.
Alex
She was diagnosed 2 years ago and I was just recently diagnosed. So we both totally understand what the other one is going through.
I have been married for 23 years (and am now 47). We have had many ups, downs, bereavements and challenges in our marriage and just when we think we have survived, something else is thrown in our path. MS is the latest challenge and I have no idea how my husband is going to cope.
He returns next week from Afghanistan after 5 months away (yippee) and I was dx'd the week after he left. He knows little about the condition and what may be ahead (but who does?) and has not seen me unwell and severely fatigued.
He has never coped well when I have been unwell in the past and his coping mechanism is that if we just carry on as normal then that is easiest. The army does not
instill a great amount of sympathy for illness and he just hates me not being there to keep things running smoothly.
I know that some changes are going to have to happen...but will just have to take it slowly on his return as he will need some readjustment (just as I shall, haivng learnt to have to cope on my own).
I beleive that there are a few vital ingredients to keeping a marriage going (above the obvious sex, financial stability etc) and for me trust, honesty, quality time together and good effective communications are the key.
Love Sarah x
He returns next week from Afghanistan after 5 months away (yippee) and I was dx'd the week after he left. He knows little about the condition and what may be ahead (but who does?) and has not seen me unwell and severely fatigued.
He has never coped well when I have been unwell in the past and his coping mechanism is that if we just carry on as normal then that is easiest. The army does not
instill a great amount of sympathy for illness and he just hates me not being there to keep things running smoothly.
I know that some changes are going to have to happen...but will just have to take it slowly on his return as he will need some readjustment (just as I shall, haivng learnt to have to cope on my own).
I beleive that there are a few vital ingredients to keeping a marriage going (above the obvious sex, financial stability etc) and for me trust, honesty, quality time together and good effective communications are the key.
Love Sarah x
S - what a great idea. I love the "caretaker day" concept.
Inny, please check in with your local NMSS chapter and ask when they will be sponsoring a couples seminar or retreat. Our chapter here has one about every 6 months of so. It is geared around improving your relationships and gaining understanding from both sides.
There is also a group - CanDoMS that has these types of seminars.
Either one would be a good thing to invest time into for you both. I am so happy you recognize a need with your husband.
- Lulu
Inny, please check in with your local NMSS chapter and ask when they will be sponsoring a couples seminar or retreat. Our chapter here has one about every 6 months of so. It is geared around improving your relationships and gaining understanding from both sides.
There is also a group - CanDoMS that has these types of seminars.
Either one would be a good thing to invest time into for you both. I am so happy you recognize a need with your husband.
- Lulu
I am walking the same path minus a baby. I don't know that our method would work with a little one. We have set aside Sunday and his day. We make preparations during the week so that can happen. Maybe having a neighborhood teen come Sunday to assist you by watching the baby? If I am having a bad week, he will prepare a meal for me on Saturday for Sunday evening. Salads in ziplock bags help (usually cranberries, almonds and spring mix). Then I only need squeeze dressing (Asian dressing is a favorite) on it and shake the bag.
It takes real thinking on Sunday...lol....because I am used to calling him to help. I try to think of everything on Saturday night. I make sure that the bottled water has the caps unscrewed because I don't have the strength. With a partnership and wanting to reach the goal, you both will begin to work it out. The first few days off did not go well.
I hope you can manage the "husband day". We know the caretakers need a break. If he is working toward that goal during the week just knowing a full day off is coming, his stress level may go down.
It takes real thinking on Sunday...lol....because I am used to calling him to help. I try to think of everything on Saturday night. I make sure that the bottled water has the caps unscrewed because I don't have the strength. With a partnership and wanting to reach the goal, you both will begin to work it out. The first few days off did not go well.
I hope you can manage the "husband day". We know the caretakers need a break. If he is working toward that goal during the week just knowing a full day off is coming, his stress level may go down.
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