Spouse with MS left

[dawn415]

My husband was diagnosed in 2003 with MS.  I have been there for him every step of the way.  I stepped up and went to work when he went on disability.  I have provided for him and my 2 children.  After 20 years of marriage, he left.  We have been yo-yo'ing for the last 3 months and he filed for divorce.  He found an old high school girlfriend online and began hooking up with her in March.  He moved her in with him at his mom & dad's a week after leaving me for the last time.  He says that he still loves me and wants to be my best friend.  But I feel so hurt and betrayed.  He has never dealt with his MS well - he hasn't followed through with his treatments (Copaxone, etc) the way that he should.  His MS pretty much as him instead of the other way around.  I am totally devastated.  I am just curious if this is something common with MS?  He says that he doesn't know how he feels, but he knows that he has to live with his disability for the rest of his life but now I don't.  I really don't understand.

[dawn415]

Thank you for your input.  I try not to put my husband down in front of either of my children.  Unfortunately, my 16 year old is with me all the time and hears me cry myself to sleep at night.  I know that he wants to continue his relationship with his dad but I also know that he has some strong feelings about the whole situation.  I am not the type of person that could keep him from his children.  He is still their father regardless of the choices that he has made and is making.  Hopefully, someday, my oldest son will be able to have a good relationship with him also.  The worst part is that I think my husband is oblivious to how they feel.  I get a lot of, it's none of their business.  I disagree because it's their family that is being destroyed.  Hopefully, my husband finds his way and can mend the fences that matter most.

[doublevision1]

I've experienced something similar to what kids are going through, when I was in my early 20's. I took the path your older son took. It was my choice, my mother never demanded I cease contact with my father. It wasn't picking sides, it was the way I felt personally betrayed, being the one to discover my father's affair and being forced to tell my mother when he wouldn't step up. I will say though, that over the years, my mother's digs and nasty comments and TMI about what a crummy guy my father is, did not help at all. So I commend you for supporting the choices of your sons, especially your 16 year old, as that cannot be easy for you at this time.

If you're not doing so already, I strongly urge you to consider counseling for yourself. The loss of one's marriage, and the shift in expectations you had for your future,  are one of the most stressful things a person could ever go through. A skilled counselor could be a great addition to the support system you already have in place.

I know it feels like it will never get better, or easier, in fact it feels harder every day right now, but please believe that it WILL get better.  You've already proven your own strength, and ultimately that is what's going to get you through.

[dawn415]

You're feelings didn't hurt at all.  You were all just being truthful.  I got on here just to get some answers.  I wasn't sure.  I appreciate the support.  We had some issues in our marriage, but I really thought we were working through them.  We were even making plans for the future.  I try very hard not to project my hurt onto my children.  My oldest has made his own decision.  My youngest enjoyed his visit with his dad yesterday and can't wait to go back.  It is what it is.  Somehow, I will get through this.  With the help of friends, family, and God.  It's all I can do.

[Lulu54]

Dawn, I am no professional counselor, but from what I understand both of your sons are old enough to articulate what they do and don't want.  If your 16 year old is uncomfortable with these other people, he can always choose to not go to visit.

It has to be so hard for people in your situation to not project their own hurt, anger and feelings of betrayal onto the children involved.

I hope this outpouring of anger from all of us is not overwhelming to you.  Obviously he hit a raw nerve by blaming his MS - it causes lots of things for all of us, but not what he has done.  We had a husband run/bail from a person here because of her MS - in hindsight she recognized that their marriage was no longer emotionally fulfilling but it did take a while for her to come to that realization.  In our discussions, we nicknamed him The Toad.  Sounds like that would fit yours too!

hang in there - I do believe it gets better but it will also take some time.

~Laura

[dawn415]

My oldest is almost 20 and at this point really hates his dad.  His dad hasn't even tried to get in contact with him and they have some hard feelings from past issues.  My 16 year old just went over to visit for a day for the first time in over two weeks.  He is very close to his dad, and I hope that he stays that way.  The big thing that bothers me is that the other woman is living there.  So he has to visit with her also.  He just informed me that when he goes over the weekend after next that her son (who is also 16) will be there also and they want the two of them to spend time with each other.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I feel that my husband is rushing and I really don't think it's fair that my son is being rushed also.  I'm just at a loss about so many things at this point.

[dawn415]

Thank you, Corrie.  I am trying.  I also still have a 16 year old son at home that I am trying to support and care for.  The hardest part is not feeling sorry for myself.  I just feel so betrayed and bewildered.  Everyone keeps telling me that I just need time, but I'm breaking more everyday.

[PastorDan]

Alex is right that you deserve commendation for doing the right thing, and about taking care of you for a change.  As for happiness, I suspect that you'll need purpose at least as much.  Find that in your children, for now; I'm sure they will need you more than ever now, no matter how close their dad tries to stay.  You didn't mention their ages, as far as I saw.  How are they dealing with this situation, so far?

[Corriel]

I also wanted to voice my support for what you are going through. It is hard to face this after what was probably years of making excuses for him and his behaviour.

He is the one lacking, not you. Your unwavering support for him has a limit and he has pushed yours beyond its endurance.

His MS is a sad excuse in light of all you have done for him and it makes me angry that he could do this to you but it is better to know now.

I am so glad you came here and I wish you strength and perserverance to get through this. Please put yourself first.

Corrie

[dawn415]

Alex - that's what I'm trying to do but it's so darn hard.  He's been a big part of my life since I was 14.  It's really hard to cope with right now.  

[HVAC]

What we hear more is the spouse who does not have MS does not want to be saddled with the MS. Thank you for sticking with him. For better or worse he has made his choice. I guess it is time for you to find some happiness for yourself. Take care of you for a change.

Alex

[dawn415]

Thank you so much, PastorDan.  Your kind words are very heartfelt.  I hope that you will continue to talk to me.  I could definitely use the help.  I have my good days and bad days.  The hardest part is just not having him here all the time.  Not having him here to hold me or hug me, not being here when I go to sleep at night and not being here when I wake up in the morning.  I know that it will pass in time.  I'm still kind of caught in the whirlwind of emotions.  I just hope that I'm strong enough to get through this.  

[PastorDan]

Dawn, sorry about the duplicate post; I've been on the road (and often am) and read/post MedHelp via their mobile site using my phone.  With my flare of eye issues, memory, etc., I have posted the same thing more than once more than once!

I'm afraid I think I do understand what's going through his head, and it's not pretty.  To explain it, though, might take a little theological background, and I have to get to my day job.  In a nutshell: sin.  (Can I still use that word in public?  I guess we'll see.)

Anyway, as the others here have done, I should have begun by saying how sorry I am that you've found our corner of cyberspace via such a traumatic path.  Neither you nor the rest of your household should have to bear such abuse from anyone, but most especially not someone whom you've loved and supported, as has been said, for better or worse, in sickness and in health.  Not to mention someone who stood before God and family to pledge that same fidelity to you.

Well, gotta scoot.  Let us know how things go, will you?  You are in our prayers.

[dawn415]

Thank you for being PO'd for me.  I appreciate it.  I'm definitely PO'd also. I used to think I was a very strong woman before all of this happened, but now I'm not so sure.  I am doing my best to cope with everything.  I just wish that it would all go away.  Unfortunately, I know that there is nothing I can do or say to change anything.  All I can do is keep my head up and move forward.

[dawn415]

JJ - thank you for the comfort.  I have tried to not allow him to use his MS as an excuse.  I do think he is just trying to soften the blow.  It's very difficult to cope with the loss of someone I have been best friends with since I was 14 years old.  It's almost like grieving a death.  I keep hearing that it will take time - I just hope I'm strong enough to get through it.

[immisceo]

Dawn, I don't have any sage advice, but I just wanted to voice support. I truly can't imagine how painful this must be. I'm PO'd for you.

But I take it as a good sign that you've reached out and are so capable of articulating your emotions and concerns. Small comfort at the moment I know, but it takes a lot of strength to be able to do that in the eye of the storm. You're clearly a very strong woman. I wish you all the best and hope you won't stay a stranger if anything we've said here has helped.

All the best.

[supermum_ms]

I doubt MS has anything to do with his choices, take MS out of the picture and is it really any different to what happen's when someone wants out of their current married life? Please don't get confused by what ever exit excuse he's saying, it's all just nice words to soften the blow, and put his behaviour in a better light.

Keep in mind he's not made an impulsive decision, he's been having an affair since March, there really is no sugar coating his actions, it doesn't matter what he say's trying to justify his behaviour because there is no justification to be had. Does it really make any difference to the out come though, if it doesn't change regardless of what caused the brake up. The man him self made his choices, good and bad he's made them and its just not in your best interest to let him off the hook for his actions because he has MS.

You are rightly feeling confused, wounded and betrayed by the man you loved and supported though sickness and health for 20 years. Please do what ever you have to, to protect your self and your children's future, his MS should not give him any excuses or leniency for his chosen behaviours.

I am really sorry you are going through this, if you think it might help you cope please consider getting some counselling to get you through on a smother ride.

Look after your self...........JJ    

[dawn415]

Thank you, Lulu.  I wasn't trying to say that it was the MS that caused it.  I just know that he has lesions on certain parts of his brain that control decision making and impulse control.  I just wasn't sure if that could have some role to play in it.  I already have an attorney.  I would love to be friends, but I think it's going to take a long time to get there.

[Lulu54]

Dawn,

That may be the most straight forward counseling I have every heard Pastor Dan use here and I second his quiet anger at this man.  "why can't we be friends" doesn't even work in movies or on tv, why would it in real life.  Please don't get sucked into that thought because it is another way to manipulate you.

Letting you free from the commitment of living with MS?  Gimme a break - you didn't ask to be free and obviously took your vows of better or worse seriously.   If he wants to be sure no one is stuck with him and his MS, why would he do it to a replacement woman?

I am so sorry you were blindsided by this - you know you did your part, taking care of him, the family and the job and providing for everyone and I would guess putting yourself last.  He is the one with the problem and not you - it is better you know this character flaw now rather than later.

Let me also say that just because we have MS it doesn't necessarily make us nice or honest people . We are still people with all the flaws the rest of the world has.

My advice to you is get an attorney and do it soon.  Make sure you, your children, your property and your retirement funds are well protected.  Let his parents and his new squeeze look after him while you can move on with your life.

Please stay in touch and keep us up to date - don't let him make you a victim, too.

be strong, Laura

[dawn415]

I just don't know what's going through his head.  He said that he just can't hurt me anymore.  I just don't understand how it's ok to saddle her with it, as you say, and not me.  Why is it ok to spend the rest of his life with her and not me?  I'm so lost and confused and hurt!  I just don't understand any of it!

[PastorDan]

Dawn, I wish I had time tonight to write half the things that come to mind, but off.the top of my head...

The man tries to ignore this disease, until it becomes a handy target to blame for his horrible behavior toward you and his children (not to mention his Maker, extended family, etc.)...   Oh, and it's to protect you?  So he picks up some other chick to saddle her with his problems?

Don't let him get away with it.  Don't.