Living with MS, husband not understanding what STRESS does to me....

[tjj3761]

Hi all,

I am venting today because my husband is causing me so much STRESS and nobody knows what this does to us.

My recent dilemma is that I took on my son's 2 cats one year ago.  The garage has been their house basically with a cat door to go outside.  Well, the neighbors phoned in a complaint to Animal Control and they came to the house saying they could not be left outside and if they were caught, they would be taken.

I have 2 inside dogs and my husband said they could not come inside.  I did a trial to see how the dogs reacted and they were basically fine; it is just my husband.  We have a completely finished basement and I wanted to put them down there and integrate them eventually with the dogs.  

I am SO upset about this because he is adamant against it.  I have grown so attached to these cats.  If I could find them a loving home, I would, but there are too many homeless animals out there as I tried one year ago to no avail.

The cats are not the only stressor.  Over the past many, many years from the time my children were young (they are now grown adults), it has been my husband's drinking.  I have found this will never change.  I love him to death as we have been together for 35 years since 9th grade junior high, but the stress he causes me is becoming unbearable.

He does not understand this disease.  In the last few months, I have had so much trouble with eating and swallowing, which I know now is a permanent symptom.  My EGD showed esophageal stricturing, which had to be stretched, and also a hiatal hernia 2 weeks ago.  

I have tried to talk to him about the future and not knowing what further permanent symptomatology will come from my disease.  I also told him we needed to scale down and get rid of our home because our mortgage is so high, financially stressful, and what this does to me.  I am the financial controller of our home and I just cannot take it anymore.  

I have an opportunity to buy my mother's home (she died 2 years ago) from my siblings for a great deal in which it could be paid for in 2 years.  

I am almost at the point where for my own health, I might have to pursue this on my own.  This is a bigger picture than just about the cats; it is a culminating effect of stressors.

Sorry for ranting, but any words of wisdom would be of help.

terri

[wiggles94]

You are so brave in sharing this  - and hopefully it's the first  step for YOU to get the help that you need to move forward in your life.

Wishing you the best many warm thoughts going out to you!
Carol

[tjj3761]

Thanks to you all,

I appreciate your help, so much, and everything you have said.

I do feel that I have longstanding issues with his drinking all of these years.  He drinks usually at least 6 beers per day, which is considered alcoholism.  He is not a so called "drunk" or anything nor does he go to bars, but I have so much angst towards him because he has never changed and my kids grew up with this.  They are now 25 and 27, and now it is just embarrassing for me at times.

I do think I have enabled him to keep doing this and now it is a make-or-break it kind of thing.

I do think maybe counseling might help, but I think he needs to deal with his issue, I need to deal with my disease, and then go from there.

Ess, I think you are right, he is passive/aggressive.  He has never thought he has done wrong with his drinking.  It has been so selfish of him to think this way.  I think back to one time when we were on vacation in Myrtle Beach, my oldest son was 7 or so, when while we were at dinner my son was sucking on a lemon wedge and my husband flew into a rage about it in the restaurant; that is psychological abuse and I let it happen.

My sons are definitely aware of this long-term issue and will understand if I do what I have to.  I am am not going to move to quickly on this, but I know my mother's home would be the best thing for me.  I know that I have to take care of me right now.  My swallowing problems are my biggest fear at this time.  It scares me.  

Thanks again for all your help, sincerely.....
terri

[Deb61]

I do feel like family counseling is in order--before you sit down with him and have a discussion.  This could snowball into a big disaster because you are at your wits end.  I would be, too.  If your husband refuses to go to counseling, go yourself so you can work out how you feel and the right well-thought out confident plan of actions.  Having an argument and a huge change right now may not be in your best interest by adding more stress to your plate.  Having a well-thought out plan on approaching these issues with your emotions in check would be best for someone with MS.  

My best,
Deb

[Sparkysarah]

Ctd.   computer keeps jumping ahead of itself..so sorry abou that


feelings. I do not know what the answer is and can only offer you support and prayers. Is there anyone you can talk to in your family. Are your kids aware of their Dad's drinking problem? I am guesing they are used to it and you may want to protect them? I thinkthat you need to do something to help yourself..it is not good for you to have to deal with all this stress on your own.

Take care and we are here for you whenever you need to rant

with love and hugs

Sarah

[Sparkysarah]

Hi Terri

I think I can empathise a lot with you. From reading between the lines I think that the cats are not the real problem, but they are a reason to "project" anger onto your husband. The cats can be sorted and it may not be the solution you want but there are choices available and some compromise may be necessary.

I have been married for 23 years and with my husband for 26 years.(he is the one who has just got back from Afghanistan but is not back home properly till Christmas) He is not big on empathy and illness and over the years I have never had much help when I have been unwell. Basically my hubbie needs me and hates it when I am not well. If he is unwell he likes to be left alone and he has always assumed that everyone else is the same. It is an easy way to not have to acknowledge illness. Let's face it, he has experience of two wars (Iraq and Afghan) so I can understand his lack of ability to deal with everyday illness. However this is about me and not you and I just watned to share this with you to let you know you are not alone.

I think that the real problem is the drinking and this is something that seems to have got more and more of a problem for you to the extent that after 35 years of marriage you are struggling to deal with this and don't know where to turn to. Unless your husband is prepared to recognise he has a problem and take responsibility for it, nothing will change as you indicate. Can you seek some support from somewhere like Alcohol Anonymous (this is what we have in UK).

I really feel for you and can sense you have a sinking feeling that you don't know what to do. i can also guess that trying to sit down and have a cosy chat is not is not someone if he does not talk about

[wiggles94]

Hi Terri,

So sorry you are having such a bad time right now.  It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

With so much going on, (some pretty serious issues) I wonder if you have thought about counseling for yourself or you and your husband?  Getting some outside help with these issues could help you put it all in perspective.  It could also help you come up with a good plan to move forward in your life.  Either with or without your husband.

One big question that came to my mind as I was reading your post is:
Are you an enabler?  You mentioned that your husband has been drinking for a long time, and you also have taken over some animals from grown children that are causing a lot of stress.  Why don't your children take the cats back?  It's time to take care of yourself.  

Before you make any big changes though, I would recommend counseling if you haven't already done so.  Best of luck to you!

[essdipity]

Hi, Terri. I'm sorry you're going through so much.

Stress is bad for everyone. I'm not sure that it is worse for MSers, though others here may have opinions and information on this. Still you'd need to deal with it whether or not you had MS.

I know from personal experience that a husband's unilateral stances on important issues can be a deal-breaker. If you're up against a brick wall, you can take only so much. Obviously the situation is far more complicated than some forum exchanges can express, so I can only offer some general observations and good wishes.

What you might try doing is waiting for a quiet time and sitting down with your husband. Tell him what you've said here, not in an accusatory way, just how you are feeling and why it can't continue. Tell him that you are worried about finances, and have some facts and figures in your head as to why. Be very concrete about it.

Talk about the animals and ask him what he thinks the solution might be. Bring up your MS worries, particularly the swallowing issues, and listen to what he says about them. Don't feel you have to reach decisions all at once, but tell him you are thinking hard about what you need to do to maintain your sanity. Don't be threatening, but do be frank.

If I can get a bit psychological here, it sounds as if he is being passive aggresive. Okay, maybe that's true. No point in accusing him of that, because passive aggressive people always deny it. Ultimately you'll have to decide how you'll deal with that, maybe even to the point of leaving and starting over. If it does come to that kind of decision, you'll have to tell him something like, 'Here is what I need you to do about such and such. If you don't, or can't, here is what I'll have to do about it for my own sake.' You then need to be prepared to do what you've said, so be sure about it.

Take your time and give him opportunites to think things over, but don't let him believe that your views were just because you were feeling bad one particular day. Passive aggressive people tend to think, 'Out of sight, out of mind,' so don't let that happen. Be calm, be honest, but stick to your guns.

I hope things improve for you.

ess