Aa
what is the best way to supporr your spouse?
I'm new, and a limbolander. My symptoms started a year ago. This is my second "episode" and it has been almost 4 weeks. My biggest problem is weakness and not being able to walk or stand for long periods of time.
My husband, (who is typically amazing, funny, sweet and full of life) has been not so amazing here lately. He admits that he is just depressed and wishes things would just go back to normal. I am remaining positive and feel blessed to still be able to do the few things I can do. I haven't seen the man crack a smile in weeks. We have 4 kids, 2, 4, 6 and 12. He has had to take on a lot of extra with the kids and house, on top of working 10-12 hr days. I know he is stressed and scared.
What is the best way to help him? I want my old hubster back! And, since I'm not sure exactly what my dx is or how long my sx will last, I want to try and still enjoy our life as much as possible!
My husband, (who is typically amazing, funny, sweet and full of life) has been not so amazing here lately. He admits that he is just depressed and wishes things would just go back to normal. I am remaining positive and feel blessed to still be able to do the few things I can do. I haven't seen the man crack a smile in weeks. We have 4 kids, 2, 4, 6 and 12. He has had to take on a lot of extra with the kids and house, on top of working 10-12 hr days. I know he is stressed and scared.
What is the best way to help him? I want my old hubster back! And, since I'm not sure exactly what my dx is or how long my sx will last, I want to try and still enjoy our life as much as possible!
MlkjMom,
Adding a belated welcome to you!
What a handful you have there! He could be completely tapped out chemically. Stressing (even when you don't realize certain things are stressful) leads to depletion. He could get on something to build up that seratonin and then be able to move forward from this.
It's so understandable- adding that layer of changed physically mom and wife ontop of an already busy life - these things happen.
Big warning sign to me is the getting out of bed in the a.m. and not your old honey. He doesn't need to be superman, nor you superwoman. Get to the doc, and get a supplement! Geesh - feel like I'm telling you what to do. I SO don't want to do that. But, I can relate to your sitch, and feel what can be fixed, should be.
This can be :) w/an depressant. And, this journey of yours may be long - both of you need to be armed w/what's available so you can fight it and adapt, and adjust to what it is.
Thank for joining us :)
-Shell
Adding a belated welcome to you!
What a handful you have there! He could be completely tapped out chemically. Stressing (even when you don't realize certain things are stressful) leads to depletion. He could get on something to build up that seratonin and then be able to move forward from this.
It's so understandable- adding that layer of changed physically mom and wife ontop of an already busy life - these things happen.
Big warning sign to me is the getting out of bed in the a.m. and not your old honey. He doesn't need to be superman, nor you superwoman. Get to the doc, and get a supplement! Geesh - feel like I'm telling you what to do. I SO don't want to do that. But, I can relate to your sitch, and feel what can be fixed, should be.
This can be :) w/an depressant. And, this journey of yours may be long - both of you need to be armed w/what's available so you can fight it and adapt, and adjust to what it is.
Thank for joining us :)
-Shell
As far as going to the gym let him know that is good for you. He needs to take care of himself to take care of you. You in the family are like legs of a table. He has to take care of himself to support his part of the table. A table can rest on three legs but not two. Each person has to care for themselves so they help support the whole it is not selfish. He has to burn off steam with all he has to take care of.
Whether you are diagnosed or not the NMMS has brochures through the mail or on line for caregivers. My husband was happy when he finally started going to NMSS programs for caregivers. He is the quiet type. I was surprised when he said yes to these things.
Alex
Whether you are diagnosed or not the NMMS has brochures through the mail or on line for caregivers. My husband was happy when he finally started going to NMSS programs for caregivers. He is the quiet type. I was surprised when he said yes to these things.
Alex
Thank you all so much!!!!!
It is tough because we make such a good parenting team. For instance, before, he would shower the little ones, then I would dry them off, do their hair and put their pj's on, then we would alternate...one of us would tuck them in, and the other one would clean up the kitchen and pack lunches. This is just one example of how we usually operate together to get things done. It was seemless. I am making adjustments on my end (still being able to sing to the little ones and do story time helps!) But, it is not enough and I know that. My two youngest have been spending the night w my MIL at least twice a week to give him a bit of a break. I hate that they are gone, but grandma's is like Disneyland to them, so they are okay.
I have had so many people from church and the community helping with meals and cleaning, I am overwhelmed with their kindness! Thankfully, he is BFF with a great Christian guy who is trying to help him through this! I've been trying to get him to go play bball or go to the gym or something, but I think he feels like he is needed here instead. I will talk to him again!
I am HOPING for a change in my sx or a dx SOON! This. Is. Hard!
Your responses have helped me through a very hard day! I am very thankful!
It is tough because we make such a good parenting team. For instance, before, he would shower the little ones, then I would dry them off, do their hair and put their pj's on, then we would alternate...one of us would tuck them in, and the other one would clean up the kitchen and pack lunches. This is just one example of how we usually operate together to get things done. It was seemless. I am making adjustments on my end (still being able to sing to the little ones and do story time helps!) But, it is not enough and I know that. My two youngest have been spending the night w my MIL at least twice a week to give him a bit of a break. I hate that they are gone, but grandma's is like Disneyland to them, so they are okay.
I have had so many people from church and the community helping with meals and cleaning, I am overwhelmed with their kindness! Thankfully, he is BFF with a great Christian guy who is trying to help him through this! I've been trying to get him to go play bball or go to the gym or something, but I think he feels like he is needed here instead. I will talk to him again!
I am HOPING for a change in my sx or a dx SOON! This. Is. Hard!
Your responses have helped me through a very hard day! I am very thankful!
It sounds like he is feeling overwhelmed and under a lot of pressure and not seeing any ways to deal with it.
Is there another person or people who can take over some of the chores? During my cancer treatment my husband was my main caretaker (driving me to every chemo, home again, we moved in together because we were not married at the time, so he was working to buy groceries, do the cooking etc. We don't even have kids but looking after someone and the house is hard. So I imagine with three small kids there is a lot that needs to get done
once every other week when I had my long infusion days my mom would come down and take me to treatment and stay with me to give G a break. Also when I was recovering from my stem cell transplant she would come down and stay with us a few days at a time.
Later I had the ladies from my church reaching out. And homecare coming in. I think having the burden solely on one person (your husband) is very hard, and I encourage you to find others who can lend a hand. Also, I encourage you to ask people for specific help. Like, would you mind getting some groceries and give them a list and money. Or if they could take the kids (or the older ones) to the park to give you a break. Anything practical. So your husband and you can have some alone time.
My husband was also on a caregiver forum. I know it's a bit different because I have a clear diagnosis and many people can talk about what it's like to go through cancer treatment and the things that help. eg. a friend who told G to apply for a disability parking permit for me so we could park on the street for free. I don't drive, but when he would drive me to appointments we would end up paying $30 to park in the garage! It adds up!
Good luck
Is there another person or people who can take over some of the chores? During my cancer treatment my husband was my main caretaker (driving me to every chemo, home again, we moved in together because we were not married at the time, so he was working to buy groceries, do the cooking etc. We don't even have kids but looking after someone and the house is hard. So I imagine with three small kids there is a lot that needs to get done
once every other week when I had my long infusion days my mom would come down and take me to treatment and stay with me to give G a break. Also when I was recovering from my stem cell transplant she would come down and stay with us a few days at a time.
Later I had the ladies from my church reaching out. And homecare coming in. I think having the burden solely on one person (your husband) is very hard, and I encourage you to find others who can lend a hand. Also, I encourage you to ask people for specific help. Like, would you mind getting some groceries and give them a list and money. Or if they could take the kids (or the older ones) to the park to give you a break. Anything practical. So your husband and you can have some alone time.
My husband was also on a caregiver forum. I know it's a bit different because I have a clear diagnosis and many people can talk about what it's like to go through cancer treatment and the things that help. eg. a friend who told G to apply for a disability parking permit for me so we could park on the street for free. I don't drive, but when he would drive me to appointments we would end up paying $30 to park in the garage! It adds up!
Good luck
I am going to approach an answer to your post from my own experience with having a large family and how my own husband would have reacted had I been unable to care for our children. This may or not be the case in your family but might give some food for thought.
My husband had a large family due to his faith. Birth control was not allowed. Therefore, when he married he followed suit. Luckily he married a young woman that wanted a family and enjoyed children because truth be known, he had not one bit of interest in children. He became a father to them when they were of civilized age (and a great one at that).
He "worked" long long hours just as his father and brothers did. These men became living "saints" due to their commitment to their jobs and providing for their families. But, errrrr...if you really looked these men were not working but using work as an excuse not to take responsibilies at home. They usually made it back to their homes...don't ya know...just as the last child was safely tucked into bed.
Never being one to play games, I called him on it. He admitted that was the case and from there things were worked out. It was usually only on Sunday afternoons he provided family time. It helped me to know not to expect more and therefore would be able to plan for the children. No more cranky husband on vacations. No more cranky husband on day trips. No more cranky husband during parties...Get the idea?
Maybe this is or isn't happening at your home. I do know I made sure to call in reinforcements or I would have been a basket case. I hired teens and preteens to help out with the kids. I hired some to tutor and get homework done. I hired two together most summers to help on trips or to watch the kids while I cleaned house.
You might consider he just doesn't enjoy it and give him a graceful out. Hire teens on weekends to come play with the kids, read to them, etc. Hire them after school to give you a break during the week. You would be shocked how helpful at thirteen or fourteen year old will be helping you but would do not a thing within their own homes...lol
And yes, I too would think if this is the case for your husband, it would cause a deep depression.
Anyway, just my personal story and take on the issue.
My husband had a large family due to his faith. Birth control was not allowed. Therefore, when he married he followed suit. Luckily he married a young woman that wanted a family and enjoyed children because truth be known, he had not one bit of interest in children. He became a father to them when they were of civilized age (and a great one at that).
He "worked" long long hours just as his father and brothers did. These men became living "saints" due to their commitment to their jobs and providing for their families. But, errrrr...if you really looked these men were not working but using work as an excuse not to take responsibilies at home. They usually made it back to their homes...don't ya know...just as the last child was safely tucked into bed.
Never being one to play games, I called him on it. He admitted that was the case and from there things were worked out. It was usually only on Sunday afternoons he provided family time. It helped me to know not to expect more and therefore would be able to plan for the children. No more cranky husband on vacations. No more cranky husband on day trips. No more cranky husband during parties...Get the idea?
Maybe this is or isn't happening at your home. I do know I made sure to call in reinforcements or I would have been a basket case. I hired teens and preteens to help out with the kids. I hired some to tutor and get homework done. I hired two together most summers to help on trips or to watch the kids while I cleaned house.
You might consider he just doesn't enjoy it and give him a graceful out. Hire teens on weekends to come play with the kids, read to them, etc. Hire them after school to give you a break during the week. You would be shocked how helpful at thirteen or fourteen year old will be helping you but would do not a thing within their own homes...lol
And yes, I too would think if this is the case for your husband, it would cause a deep depression.
Anyway, just my personal story and take on the issue.
That is so thoughtful of you Mlkjmom and all that you said, Alex, also. Ofcourse peoble have to plan things differently but still keep on trying to do things you like doing. Good tips for all of us!
My best,
Dagun
My best,
Dagun
What has helped us get through this is talking. At first we both tried to protect each other by not sharing our feelings about what was happening. Now we talk about it. Men are fixers and this can't be fixed easily if at all.
My husband also needs an outlet. For him it is bicycling. I do not get in the way of his cycling.
He also needs to feel this thing has not pushed him out. Sometimes it can be so consuming. I make points to ask what he needs.
It takes sacrifice on my part. Sometimes I have to push myself to do something which is really hard for me because it means a lot to him.
Having things to look forward to in the future has been important to him. He kinda felt our lives were over in a sense. He does have more responsibility now which makes him feel his life is less fun. We plan trips well in advance. We do not have much money so we camp or stay with a friend at the beach. Next year he wants to go to Gettysburg.
The financial is a real drag on the relationship. There can be a lot of worry. We have just had to break it down. I ask for payments. We also have learned to budget as best we can. Men especially can lose sleep about all this. My husband feels there is no way he can retire. He kinda feels trapped.
I also take pressure off my husband by having friends help me with things.
Also getting to know other men in the same situation has helped. Turns out we have a couple the next street over with MS. Some of his cycling buddies have wives with MS. He also talks to a lady with MS at work. I do not ask what they talk about.
For better or worse illness effects all family members. They did not sign up for it anymore than we did. Sometimes it is harder in a way because they do not know what we are experiencing and that can be even more frightening. Sometimes shutting down is the easiest thing to do when you are overwhelmed.
I do not push my husband to get help, like many guys he is less likely to do it if I push. I have suggested then I leave it alone. I do tell him his health in general is important to me. I tell him it makes me feel badly when all are medical budget goes to me and none to him.
Sounds like you really care about him.
Alex
My husband also needs an outlet. For him it is bicycling. I do not get in the way of his cycling.
He also needs to feel this thing has not pushed him out. Sometimes it can be so consuming. I make points to ask what he needs.
It takes sacrifice on my part. Sometimes I have to push myself to do something which is really hard for me because it means a lot to him.
Having things to look forward to in the future has been important to him. He kinda felt our lives were over in a sense. He does have more responsibility now which makes him feel his life is less fun. We plan trips well in advance. We do not have much money so we camp or stay with a friend at the beach. Next year he wants to go to Gettysburg.
The financial is a real drag on the relationship. There can be a lot of worry. We have just had to break it down. I ask for payments. We also have learned to budget as best we can. Men especially can lose sleep about all this. My husband feels there is no way he can retire. He kinda feels trapped.
I also take pressure off my husband by having friends help me with things.
Also getting to know other men in the same situation has helped. Turns out we have a couple the next street over with MS. Some of his cycling buddies have wives with MS. He also talks to a lady with MS at work. I do not ask what they talk about.
For better or worse illness effects all family members. They did not sign up for it anymore than we did. Sometimes it is harder in a way because they do not know what we are experiencing and that can be even more frightening. Sometimes shutting down is the easiest thing to do when you are overwhelmed.
I do not push my husband to get help, like many guys he is less likely to do it if I push. I have suggested then I leave it alone. I do tell him his health in general is important to me. I tell him it makes me feel badly when all are medical budget goes to me and none to him.
Sounds like you really care about him.
Alex
It sounds like you need to take him to the doctor with you and have him evaluated for depression. This is a tough battle on everyone involved and men have such an attitude that they have to "fix" everything. Sometimes that isn't possible - especially with health.
Don't let his mood sink further - it can be too hard to come back up out of that hole.
I'll hope you can be seen and further evaluated. Something is wrong, it may not be MS, but whatever it is needs to be identified and treated.
good luck,
L
Don't let his mood sink further - it can be too hard to come back up out of that hole.
I'll hope you can be seen and further evaluated. Something is wrong, it may not be MS, but whatever it is needs to be identified and treated.
good luck,
L
I forgot to add, I have talked to him about this. He told me he sees no reason to get out of bed in the morning, no light at the end of the tunnel. He just said "I just want to find out what's wrong with you so they can fix it!"
It is so odd, because this isn't usually he attitude at all. He is usually not like this.
It is so odd, because this isn't usually he attitude at all. He is usually not like this.
Thank you LuLu!
My blood work, MRI of my brain and Cervical Spine and EMG of L arm and L leg are clear. I am on Neurotin and another EMG of my R side on the 15th. My Neuro says I have idiopathic neuropathy and doesn't feel it is MS bc I am presenting bilaterally and have no lesions. I find out next week if I got in to Mayo. I think it is going to be a long road to getting a real dx.
My blood work, MRI of my brain and Cervical Spine and EMG of L arm and L leg are clear. I am on Neurotin and another EMG of my R side on the 15th. My Neuro says I have idiopathic neuropathy and doesn't feel it is MS bc I am presenting bilaterally and have no lesions. I find out next week if I got in to Mayo. I think it is going to be a long road to getting a real dx.
Welcome to the forum - your question has taken me by surprise because I think this is the first time I have heard it asked. Uusually it is the other way around - how to support the partner who has MS.
You are to be commended for recognizing the burden and emotions he is displaying right now.
One of the best things we tell everyone to do who is living with MS is to educate themselves. The more you know the less frightening this can be. It sounds like he might not have the time to do even that. So it has to be you learning and then sharing what you find with him.
MS can be managed and we are fortunate there are good disease modifying drugs (DMDs) available to slow the progression. The outlook for us with MS remains pretty encouraging, but there are unfortunatly exceptions to that thought.
Is it possible to spend alone time with your hubster and do some talking? Or is he one of those guys who stuffs his emotions and won't communicate? You have done an excellent job outlining the problem to us - maybe you should tell him the same thing you have shared here?
You don't mention recent testing - have you had a new MRI since you are having these current problems?
I hope you will stick around - we have lots of information that can make this process simpler to understand. I am very impressed with your attitude and I hope you can help him to turn his around as well.
best, Lulu
You are to be commended for recognizing the burden and emotions he is displaying right now.
One of the best things we tell everyone to do who is living with MS is to educate themselves. The more you know the less frightening this can be. It sounds like he might not have the time to do even that. So it has to be you learning and then sharing what you find with him.
MS can be managed and we are fortunate there are good disease modifying drugs (DMDs) available to slow the progression. The outlook for us with MS remains pretty encouraging, but there are unfortunatly exceptions to that thought.
Is it possible to spend alone time with your hubster and do some talking? Or is he one of those guys who stuffs his emotions and won't communicate? You have done an excellent job outlining the problem to us - maybe you should tell him the same thing you have shared here?
You don't mention recent testing - have you had a new MRI since you are having these current problems?
I hope you will stick around - we have lots of information that can make this process simpler to understand. I am very impressed with your attitude and I hope you can help him to turn his around as well.
best, Lulu
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