I sympathize with you, and I completely agree that this drug is one of the most sinister substances to ever be inflicted upon the human race. I am a 14 year veteran of methadone use and the terrible legacy in it's wake. What bothers me so much about what you are going through is that you don't have a good support system. As addicts we all go in saying "I don't buy into group therapy and counseling," but the reason this is so important is the same reason anyone chooses to join a forum such as this... because we need to know that it's not just in our heads, that we are not simply weak willed, and that others are experiencing the same thing. Most importantly, we need to know that others have made it to the others side.
The bottom line is that there is no easy out. The hard work must be done in order to obtain life's real rewards. It has taken me so long to figure that out.
I walked into the clinic with a terrible oxy and hydrocodone habit. I was self medicating all of my anxiety, all of the rejection and fear that I felt into oblivion. I never once learned good conflict resolution and coping skills. This was due to lack of any strong parental or decent adult influence and guidance in my life.
Long story short, I was 31 years old, I had gained over 100 lb in my 10 years on the methadone clinic. I was at 90 mg. I was miserable and even taking extra methadone any chance I got in order to nod and sedate my problems away. My electric would get shut off, I lost my car due to not paying piddly *** parking tickets. I was headed nowhere. The one good thing I had going was that I somehow managed to enroll and keep myself in college at a decent university. When I began failing out of that and playing RPG games online, I sank further into yet another addiction on top of food and methadone.
I got lucky... I met someone online. Someone who was completely straight. He was fit, so I began exercising so one day we might meet. He had a great career so I began raising my grades and focusing on school so that one day I might be able to match him. I got my grades up, I lost 115 lb, and these successes did not come without a whole lot of work and a fair amount of self doubt at times.
I got to the point where I am now... working out 5-6 days a week. Running 6-10 miles a day and lifting every day that I workout. I began getting a little obsessive about that too.
My point is that you always have to be on guard to watch it as an addict. You must always find balance.
Exercise was a god send. It gave me loads of self confidence and feeling of well being. My body rewarded me for so much hard work, BUT the down side is that I often tested and still do test negative for methadone. They began taking my take homes away and I could not travel to see the person I fell in love with. The way I saw it, they were controlling my life completely. I wanted out of these LIQUID HANDCUFFS, and now I am down to 10mg.
I have experienced waves upon waves of INTENSE RLS, bad bad insomnia sleeping only 2-3 hours a night. It's so hard being a single parent, going to school full time trying to earn a bachelors degree, and detoxing from methadone while remaining active.
I have been going down 1 mg a week now, which used to be 2. The last drop from 11-10 took a week to recover and now with this drop I just had today, I am back into the dysphoria, feeling anxious, and insomnia. I haven't gotten off of the couch all day.
Night sweats are horrible and I've deal with this since probably about 40mg ESP when I workout hard core. It's as if it metabolizes so much faster when I work out too hard, yet the feeling of well being I get from exercise is almost worth it.
I've had terrible lower back pain this past week too. I just want to walk off at this 10mg so damn bad, but I'm terrified bc I still have to function. I am functioning now, just not at a very high level.
Heating pad, hot soak, MUSIC... idk why but it ignites the pleasure centers in me and it helps so much. I always gravitate towards that. Oddly enough, even as I feel awful, I have an increase in libido and masturbation adds temporary relief from discomfort. I would never actually want to be with anyone as gross as I feel though.
This is a terrible terrible drug and I would trade my old habit's detox of maybe 3-5 days for this horrible never ending crap.
I am determined however, as you should be to. This **** should not be allowed to even be administered except for in the most extreme cases, and even then I think it ought to be very limited... a year maybe.
I've doubled up on supplements, vitamins, fish oil, protein, and adrenal support is coming in the mail.
I find that running induces and extreme feeling of overwhelming emotion, break outs of chills all over the body, and crying, but once that 6-10 miles is through, I feel good again. I have read that running is one thing that increases endorphins for longer periods of time that more short lived things such as sex, chocolate, and lavendar etc...
I say invest in yourself. Love yourself. Deal with the painful things that lead you to use drugs in the first place. Stay positive and don't keep feeding your money to the evil cash cow methadone clinics who love nothing more than to keep addicts under control.
They tell you it's to help you, they charge you a **** load, they keep many there for life until they die so young they can't even collect social security.
I'm at 10 today and going down 1mg every sat.
Oh yes, and going to the bathroom all the time... eww gross.
I recommend you make as many positive steps that you can to build your self up and to remove this drug from your life. It's poison. They do a great job of ensuring that ppl will need their drug for life bc the withdrawal is so incredibly intense and long lasting. Slow taper and rebuilding your life is the only way to go.