Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

HOCD OR LESBIAN HELP

Help I need help, I’m going insane, ever since I was little I always had crushes on boys, I remember being 5 and having the biggest crush on boys and I didn’t even know what it was. As I got a bit older I got a bit curious and played doctors with my friend but just touched that’s it. I got into porn so young by looking at lesbian magazines, my uncle had them all in his bathroom and I was like 9 I was curious I looked, pretty sure I got aroused can’t remember but it was nice to look at. My mum said she finds female bodies more attractive than men’s as well and my sister and mum admit they both looked at those magazines. Now as I’ve gotten older from grade 5 to now grade 11 all that time I’ve been obsessed with boys, and I mean like crushes that have lasted a year sometimes. I have always wanted to be with a man and have fell in love with men and never had crushes on girls EVER or had the urge to date a girl or kiss her. I was such an open minded person before and was like if I turn bi one day yolo idc but I’ve never loved a women so probs won’t happen. Now since I was younger I’ve always found lesbian porn stimulating, but could never get off to straight porn? I just found it looked so fake and idk lesbian porn felt wrong and taboo so I enjoyed it. But it never once made me question my sexuality. Now fast forward to grade 11, I got cheated on with my ex boyfriend, I went down a very bad path where I was overthinking everything, it turned to ocd, I couodnt leave the house without wanting to know what would happen. I then met this guy I fell sooo hard for, we wpuld kiss and I would be so turned on, more than I had EVER been, it was crazy. I loved him and I legit fell so hard for him. He’s now my boyfriend. However I started going through depression and months later I wasn’t horny 24-7. I would get turned on to us sexting which relieves me as well. And I have gotten turned on by sextung other guys also. However just with sex, whilst I was going through a low sex drive time because of my depression, he was horny all the time and I mean sex all THE TIME. I was fine with this but sometimes I just wanted to talk, and he wouldn’t give me time to get horny and like once I didn’t t into it I was baring it because I was sad and not horny. Fast forward, I had a dream, it was a lesbian sex dream, and i don’t usualaly have sex dreams but I woke up so turned on, and I have never gotten turned on by sex dreams besides by 2 lesbian sex dreams I’ve had over a course of a few years. (Background knowledge I find reallly really taboo stuff arousing to me, nothing normal) and I told my boyfriend. He then asked if I had many sex dreams liek weekly and I said no? He said he has wet dreams all the time and this is where I got so so scared. I was like I’ve only really gotten turned on by lesbian sex dreams? Both after I’ve watched porn. He was like you’re probably bi sexual and I was like I can’t be I don’t want to be, I don’t want to ever date a girl??? This then triggerd 2 months of straight torture. Just a disclaimer, I support and love gay peoole, not against the LGBTQ+ community :)) anyways since then everyday I’ve been sick to be around any girl, anyone one apart of that community, my baby sister, my mum sister and any female I was close to. I don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend because now even though I still get turned on I’m putting so much pain on my brain by “testing” to see if I feel stuff, which isn’t normal. I can’t go out in public without having panic attacks, I’m always looking for groin responses and some form of reassurance, this is so unhealthy. If I’m gay it means I’ll never be able to be with a man again, I don’t want that. All I do is stay home and when I mean google I MEAN GOOGLE for 10 hours straight looking for synpotoms over analyszing every single gay thing I’ve done. I rolled my sleeves up and had to pull them down because I didn’t want to give off the wrong vibe. I feel so sick, I want my life back, I cry everyday praying this isn’t real, I know who I am and what I want in life why can’t my brain settle? I don’t want to be gay, why did this never bother me before but suddenly has now? I want to be with my boyfriend forever if I lost him I’d be destroyed. I can’t stop reassuring myself it only lasts a minute, I don’t know what to do anymore, some days it just feels so real that I’m convinced and I can’t even see the real me, I went to a doctor and I’m seeing a physcologist soon, but this is eating me alive. I don’t want to turn out gay, and I’ve I’m bi, maybe find out I’m gay down the track, I don’t want to not be with a man, I’m done IM DONE someone help me I’m going insane I’m breaking, my brain feels like it’s going to explode EVERYDAY
5 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
Please no one say bad things ine really suicidal anything triggers me, I’m so weak I’m so scared I’m so upset, it’s ruining my relationship, I remember getting turned on by my boyfriend dirty talking me and then turned on by his nudes but I couldn’t get off to it, but just got turned on, now I’m over analyxing again, I need help I feel so sick, this won’t leave my brain. Has anyone been through this, girks in particular?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Please help me someone I don’t want to be gay, this isn’t me, this isn’t what I want to be! I want to be with my boyfriend, I’m going insane I can’t stop looking for reassurance, I need help I’m sick in the head. I can’t even look at my female teachers or be around anyone, not even my 3 year old baby sister man I CANT EVEN BE AROUND PEOPLE I LOVE. If I’m gay im ending this, I was happy being straight before, I wish I never came across porn and being aroused by it. Why god why god why. It was funny because before this I was worrying for months and was petrified me and my boyfriend wouodnt last because I was scared he was going to cheat and now it’s this.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
If I could choose between bringing my dad back from the grave, and me being straight and never having these thoughts I would. I don’t even get aroused by these thoughts they’re so distressing they won’t leave me. GOD HELP ME PLEASE
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I even keep looking for numbers on the clock like 1111 and 4444 and I get so scared when I see them because I don’t want them to confirm anything
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It sounds like you were having a panic attack when you wrote these posts.  First, I know this isn't going to help right away, but you are doing this to yourself, it's not being done to you.  I'm not a big believer in labeling oneself OCD because of thinking you're gay.  That's a phobia.  And phobias are really hard to deal with, but they are dealt with differently than OCD.  But both are caused by the way we think.  When you get into therapy the therapist will hopefully be a good one and show you this.  It's simple and devilishly difficult, but if you stop thinking anxious thoughts you won't be anxious.  So second, don't give yourself a label, it will define you.  Third, if you are having this bad a time, and maybe you were having a really bad moment but you're not this bad all the time, but if you are, you need intervention now.  When you say you're suicidal we don't know if you're actually suicidal or just saying it to express how bad you're feeling, but if you really are you need to get help now, not later.  You'll also need help later, but we have to take you at your word unless you say otherwise.  There are crisis hot lines and emergency rooms if you really feel you're that down about this.  Now, about your thoughts.  A lot of us go through this and most of us do it at a young age and many after a break-up.  You are obviously a highly sexualized person, which is fine, but you also seem to be obsessed with the sex act.  You're young, I get it, sex is new and exciting but it's just something we do and then when the act is over we go on with out lives.  The relationships are far more important.  You've gotten deeply into the act and at a very young age when it's hard to process.  Sexuality isn't understood by anyone.  Your boyfriend is a guy, and guys and women really don't usually think of sex the same way especially when they're young.  Nor do relationships between young people usually last, and you must know that, you must see it in your friends, so again, you seem to have an obsession with attachment going on here.  When we do that, it's usually due to some underlying insecurity, and you could do well to look into yourself and see where that might come from.  Your therapist when you get going will help with that.  As for panicking over being gay, it happened to me, and I'm a guy, when I was young after a bad breakup.  A therapist I saw twice told me it was normal and I forgot about it.  But the panic is because of bias against gay people.  When I was young, this was endemic, but it isn't now.  But you wouldn't be so upset by the possibility if you didn't think being gay was a bad thing even if you personally don't have anything against gay people.  It's burrowed deep into our society.  It wasn't always that way, most ancient civilizations were bisexual.  It is how we are now, though.  Even now.  But as you know from other parts of your life, actions speak louder than words, and all your actions are heterosexual.  You can worry about being bisexual or gay when you start acting that way, but you don't.  So far this is just anxious thinking because you've convinced yourself when things didn't go just so and because you have a healthy sexual appetite which we also have a societal taboo against when it comes to women especially that something was wrong with you.  There's no accounting for what turns us on.  You can be married to someone for fifty years and still not know what turns your partner on.  It's not something most people, especially women, talk about.  Now, young men, they're enduring a testosterone storm and are always thinking about sex.  Women are more complex.  You are complex.  You like porn, which as a guy I have to tell you just for me makes sex look like something completely unlike anything I've ever actually done or wanted to do.  But that's me, and lots of people like porn and it's more available now because of the internet than it's ever been before.  But you know, being turned on is fun.  It feels good.  It's not a curse.  Looking a lesbian sex turns men on, too, but they don't want to be lesbians.  It's just exciting because women are just sexier to look at than men are.  Men are kind of straight up and down when they look good, but women are mysterious with all sorts of interesting curves.  They're just more pleasant to look at.  But yet you are turned on by men in your actual life.  So stop punishing yourself.  You are who you are and you will be who you develop into being.  It'll be okay any way it turns out.  What isn't okay is your obsession and negative thinking and panic.  You have to focus on that and work on that, it's more important for now than who you're dating or who you want to have sex with.  And again, if you're truly this desperately incapable of functioning as you sound, get help now.  Peace.  
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community

Top Personality Disorder Answerers
1699033 tn?1514113133
Somewhere in, MD
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
Can I get HIV from surfaces, like toilet seats?