i'm basically very confused about my own sexual orientation. however, i have always identified myself as heterosexual and only felt emotionally/sexual attractions to boys. however very recently, i thought i had a crush on one of my close female friends however it turned out that i was just feeling very lonely because i never felt butterflies or any strong attractions to her or i never really felt any urge to do everything with her and in fact i didn't feel very happy around her. and this of course triggered thoughts whether " i was truly straight? " or " was i just a lesbian or bisexual in denial? "
i went online and searched up hocd and found that a lot of the symptoms/compulsions of hocd were interrelated with what i was going through like constantly checking if i was aroused when i was around the same sex people and i started imagining myself kissing girls whenever i saw a girl and i didn't like the thought of it and it caused me a great amount of distress. i knew i had hocd.
however, very recently i started worrying that i was actually a lesbian or bisexual in denial because my mind kept telling me that i was actually either lesbian or bisexual very often but whenever i told myself that i was lesbian or bisexual, my heart would feel very uncomfortable as if being lesbian or bisexual wasn't my biological orientation.
however, i grew up in an environment where it wasn't emphasized that girls had to like guys but when i first heard of girls liking girls, i automatically felt disgusted. around that time, i didn't know terms such as " gay/les/bisexual/asexual/pansexual ".
after seeing an article online of straight people discovering that they are actually homosexual later in life, i got even more worried that i was one in denial. and that article particularly mentioned that " did you like guys because it was modeled for you/expected of you? did you like guys because your friends did? " and i immediately thought to myself i liked guys because you know when sometimes you meet someone(a guy) and you just feel a strong emotional connection with them or you just like him for no apparent reason and NOT because it was expected of me to like guys.
thank you for taking your time to read this.
i really need help on your opinions if i have hocd or i am really a homosexual in denial.
thank you and have a great day :)