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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

HOCD or being in denial?

hello,
i'm basically very confused about my own sexual orientation. however, i have always identified myself as heterosexual and only felt emotionally/sexual attractions to boys. however very recently, i thought i had a crush on one of my close female friends however it turned out that i was just feeling very lonely because i never felt butterflies or any strong attractions to her or i never really felt any urge to do everything with her and in fact i didn't feel very happy around her. and this of course triggered thoughts whether " i was truly straight? " or " was i just a lesbian or bisexual in denial? "

i went online and searched up hocd and found that a lot of the symptoms/compulsions of hocd were interrelated with what i was going through like constantly checking if i was aroused when i was around the same sex people and i started imagining myself kissing girls whenever i saw a girl and i didn't like the thought of it and it caused me a great amount of distress. i knew i had hocd.

however, very recently i started worrying that i was actually a lesbian or bisexual in denial because my mind kept telling me that i was actually either lesbian or bisexual very often but whenever i told myself that i was lesbian or bisexual, my heart would feel very uncomfortable as if being lesbian or bisexual wasn't my biological orientation.

however, i grew up in an environment where it wasn't emphasized that girls had to like guys but when i first heard of girls liking girls, i automatically felt disgusted. around that time, i didn't know terms such as " gay/les/bisexual/asexual/pansexual ".

after seeing an article online of straight people discovering that they are actually homosexual later in life, i got even more worried that i was one in denial. and that article particularly mentioned that " did you like guys because it was modeled for you/expected of you? did you like guys because your friends did? " and i immediately thought to myself i liked guys because you know when sometimes you meet someone(a guy) and you just feel a strong emotional connection with them or you just like him for no apparent reason and NOT because it was expected of me to like guys.

thank you for taking your time to read this.
i really need help on your opinions if i have hocd or i am really a homosexual in denial.
thank you and have a great day :)
3 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  You can see from the forum that the most questions are relating to HOCD.  It is very, very common for someone with OCD.  It doesn't sound like you have seen a psychologist to talk about this?  

For someone with OCD, we are at war with our own mind.  We say black and our mind says white.  The key is not to listen to it.  

Here is a good article about OCD in general.  

http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=82

and another article written by a gay guy regarding HOCD

http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php

Let me know how you are doing.  
Avatar universal
thank you for your help :)
i have been making improvements and has identified as mostly heterosexual however the unwanted lesbian thoughts have still been resurfacing in my mind.
have a great day ahead!
Avatar universal
I've been battling with this for a little over a month, now my mind is telling me I'm gay and I'm just in denial and just admit it and it's making me sick!!!!! I don't want to be gay. I have a be I love and this is making me even question our relationship. It's running Ning my life and making me feel insane! I mean my mind will not get off this subject!!!!! All day it's all I think about!!!!! It's telling me I've been in denial my whole life and all my relationships were shams! What the heck??? Omg! Then I was watching a show and the girl was dating a guy and ended up liking girls!' Ahhh!!!!
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