MedHelp.org will cease operations on May 31, 2024. It has been our pleasure to join you on your health journey for the past 30 years. For more info, click here.
Avatar universal

Please Help: Childhood memories/proof that I‘m gay (HOCD)

I‘m now suffering about 4 months from HOCD and it comes in waves. 1 week it‘s really bad, almost can‘t stop analyzing everything and constantly anxious. The next one I can really laugh at all that HOCD stuff and I‘m confident about loving girls and I get turned on by them like before HOCD.

Now what is stopping me from recovery are my childhood memories. Every time HOCD comes back I try to fight it by avoiding doing compulsions and not analyzing but some childhood memories, where for example I was looking at men in underwear (which I was turned on by then? or just was curios?) or masturbating to solo jerking off videos one time when I was young (12), are producing extreme anxiety and distress and also are kind of a proof that I must be gay…

I remember well when I was about 10 me and a friend read a book about sexual things. There was a passage where it said something like„when the penis gets aroused more and more there happens ejaculation“. I remember being turned on by that thought and even masturbating to it later. This is the thought that by far is producing the most anxiety and is like a 100% proof that I‘m gay.

It feels like before puberty I was gay, in puberty straight then and now it‘s turned in a sort of Bi-OCD because I once (and also now but reduced during HOCD) was attracted to girls…

So my biggest problem is how to deal with that memories?
0 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest

You are reading content posted in the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community

Top Personality Disorder Answerers
1699033 tn?1514113133
Somewhere in, MD
Learn About Top Answerers
Popular Resources
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.