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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

Hocd confusion

Okay this is gonna be long i hope someone reads and helps me out. I'll summarise everything so you can understand the background of whats happening. Ever since the beginning of this year i started having really bad anxiety and obsessive fears with different things, such a death, the world, god , my breathing and my personality. It sounds really confusing but once i get rid of one another obsession comes along. Right now its my sexuality.. I am a girl and throughout my entire life i've 100% straight, i've never imagined myself with a girl in any way. Ive had many crushes on guys and right now i'm dating a guy that i've crushed on for a long time. We've been together for 4 days now and I like him so much.. Anyway i'm not against gays or bi's, but i'd never expect myself to be one just because it doesn't connect with me, its not really for me and i cant imagine myself in that kind situation. Two days ago i had a dream about one of my girl friends and i felt sort of aroused in the dream as we hugged, after that i was my normal self again. After two hours of waking up i remembered that dream and it triggered some kind of fear, I started to question my sexuality and i've been avoiding my girl friends as much and possibly, also avoided going out so i don't find any girls i might like? For me when i think about myself with a girl in that way it makes me slightly uncomfortable and makes me feel as if thats truly not me and can never be. Yesterday I was really worried about starting to like girls, and no not because of what others think its more because of in my head i cant be that person and its just so wrong for me. I'm not against it, i just cant be like that, its definitely not who i am. I searched up about this to see if anyone was going through the same kind of fear as me and maybe going through the phase of questioning their sexuality. When i read about something called hocd i found relief because deep down i knew i couldn't be so suddenly because of a dream. But now whenever i look at girls i feel really weird. Just because i don't know how i fell towards them. I don't know if i'm creating these foreign feelings for myself because whenever i'm not thinking about it i seem to get along just fine and think about my boyfriend. At some points i feel so over whelmed because of how far the thinking has went, it drives me crazy and i feel like literally dying. Half of my brain says you're definitely not bi and the other half says (anixety side) "what if you are?" "you don't know" "you like girls but you don't wanna admit it" right when these thoughts start to kick in, i become super sad and feel as if i'm about to cry because i don't want them. I hope this end soon, i've always liked guys why am i questioning now? The dream didn't really do anything but make me wonder if i'm actually bi. I've thought about it so much that im starting to convince myself i might be, even though a part of me knows i'm not. It just scares and worries the hell out of me. I can never imagine myself with a girl like dating. Its unpleasant to think about, yesterday i said the same about kissing girls but now i feel like its not as unpleasant and right as i said that my heart started beating so fast. Whenever i see a girl with nice legs or a pretty girl i'm like wow she's hot, but right when i say that i get this really bad feeling of fear. It scares me so much i just wanna be the same as i was two days ago!
4 Responses
Avatar universal
I just need some kind of reassurance that i'm 100% straight!
Avatar universal
And i also forgot to mention whenever the thought comes to my head that i might be i get super scared.
Avatar universal
I also get really weird images of me and girls and my whole body freezes, these images just come up someone please help me im so scared!!
9784446 tn?1421340646
Dont get scared , this is ocd . ocd comes in many forms sexual thoughts are a part of it.In your case it is hitting with you in form of hocd.

The best solution is to see a psychiatrist , because it looks like ocd is really troubling you so its better to take treatment.Medicines as well as therapy especially exposure therapy are the treatment.

Dont seek reassurance it wont help you , after some time you will again feel like to seek assurance from someone.

The better thing would be to seek treatment and also to learn about ocd how to cope with it.I would also refer the book"Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD by christine purdon.

This book is really helpful for pure o ocd .

Also one thing which  i have learned is to ignore these thoughts beacuse ocd thoughts are irrational in nature,you can't argue with them , no matter how much you try to find solution you would be back to the same situation.

So talk to your parents and meet with a psychiatrist and also try to follow other things which i have told.
13 Comments
Thank you so much, I used to see a therapist and she helped me with my other kind of obsessions. The problem is my parents think i'm fine now and i don't need a therapist. And now im having this problem where its kind of like i convinced myself that i possibly could be bi. And i automatically feel fear. what if i really am? I feel so conscious and aware when a girl passes by, or when i see a pretty girl on my phone i'm like oh she's pretty but i don't know how i react to it.I always check if i have any feelings which i never understand. Whenever i'm not aware of the girls i seem to be like my old self where i just find them pretty but i never doubt if i'm feeling something or in fact i'd actually be like oh shes a hoe or i want her body. Like the fact that i don't know how i react when i'm super aware of my thinking towards girls scares me. Whenever i find a girl hot something in the back of my head says what if u really are? I really don't wanna be, not because i'm against it just because it's not who i am, Whenever i really think about it, it just cant happen. I cried last night because i was so worried of my thinking. I talked to my sister about it and she was really supportive, i wanna tell my mom but i don't know how she's gonna react towards it, she'll probably freak out and think that i actually like girls. Anyway i wanna mention again that when i see a pretty girl i don't think anything of it.. i would look at a girl and then 5 seconds later i would get those thoughts because they're literally stuck in my head and i want them out!! I really dont want to be into girls like i never want to be just because i can never imagine myself happy with a girl? i hope that makes sense.
Like as i said when i'm thinking about me possibly being bi i start to doubt how i feel when i look at pretty girls. I don't feel aroused i just find them pretty and cute and when i'm not thinking about it i don't really find them cute. And now im going to panic so much because i find them attractive. IM so scared!
I just want to be like myself 2 days ago, what do i do?
I found this girl cute and now i'm gonna cry because i don't know if this is attraction towards her. i've always been jealous of that girl!
my biggest fear is that im actually gonna start crushing on girls and have like fantasies about them and that i actually like them. I am super scared im gonna feel the same way about girls like i do with boys. I dont know what to do anymore, im trying to avoid looking at girls and thinking about them so i dont grow anything towards them. i really dont want to!!
The basic problem is that you are focused on that obsession and then you keep on checking but you cannot get out of this cycle.

you need to get out of this cycle, you have to ignore these thoughts,even if they hit you don't try to check for every girl you pass by.

you can also do exposure therapy in which you  expose yourself  to these thoughts like when you are alone in a room focus on this thought that you are gay , it will increase your anxiety initially but soon it will come down and you will feel better.
Don't ignore girls beacuse avoidance will only make situation worse, try to face the situation dont try to run away from it
im scared that if i focus on being gay i actually become gay. I've kind of already did that and being with a girl disgusts me in a way? but at the same time this other half of my brain is saying that i like it. but then when i look at it from another perspective im like no way.
And as i said before whenever i see a pretty girl im super conscious of the way im acting and now how i feel.
moral of my feelings is that i dont wanna ever be gay and no not because im against it because its just not for me and id never consider it apart of my future or life. I defiantly prefer boys over girls, period. But when i get into detail and i start asking myself but do u really, is when i start to think i might be bi which freaks me out because i never wanna be.  
i dont know how i feel anymore i totally confused myself.
you already know what you have to do , you have to face the situation, dont try to run away from these thoughts.

expose yourself more and more to these thoughts,this is the only solution.
okay ill try but r u sure im not actually bi?
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