I don't know about myself anymore (HOCD and regular OCD/Depression)

[quinnis598]

Alright, this is the first time I've reached out on the internet about this. I've been religiously researching Homosexual OCD ever since I felt it started for me. As of writing this, a week ago I woke up one morning and I didn't feel the same, the night before I had decided to talk to a girl on facebook, I hadn't talked to a girl in ages because I go to an all-boys school, and she just cold rejected me on the spot after 2 messages (I've never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl) so rejection was a normal pain for me to feel. I've always been what I considered straight, (sorry for the gore) but I think I was a victim of chronic masturbation, I would do it almost every night in the same position in bed before I went to sleep I've never looked at gay porn or plan to because it makes me uncomfortable to even think about. I had/have for 4 years (I'm 17) when suddenly the next night after the girl rejected me, I just felt zero arousal to girls I had previously worked up a "huge one" for. It was like a heavy feeling on my chest like I wanted to more than anything feel aroused but it resembled the feeling of being overly tired. Which snowballed into where we are now, my constant cycling through my head of "am I gay?" "no I'm not" "am I sure?" to which would give me heavy anxiety, in public I find myself seeking every girl to measure my sexual attraction to them, and this lead me to look at guys and think "is this what I'm attracted to?" to no avail besides a thought of maybe "nice face, they work out." I've never been attracted to guys, the thought of gay sex doesn't even get me slightly aroused besides a light tingling feeling in the bottom of my testicles? to describe it is kind of like pins and needles but no erections or feelings of overwhelming arousal like I've felt in the past to girls. It really scared me because I've always been girl crazy in the past, checking them out in public, fantasizing about their bodies as well as countless wet dreams in previous years (even months) and such strong "butterflies" in my chest and a lump in my throat when I would look at my previous crushes (all exclusively girls), whereas now when I look at girls I feel like some sort of OCD is taking over like I HAVE TO find every girl attractive otherwise I'm defective and I feel like I'm forcing myself to like them, even though beforehand I wouldn't find every girl attractive because I would have the typical standards a guy has of the ugly:hot ratio. So every day since then I have had this constantly wavering feeling of anxiety and depression because I don't like how I feel right now I feel like ****. I have gay friends and they all tell me that they always knew they were different, since a young age like before puberty. This lead me to analyse every memory I've had of being attracted to girls and second guessing myself even though I've never crushed on boys. I don't want to be gay, I'm not looking to offend people here I'm just saying I miss being sure of myself. In my head, I've thought "just come out to your parents and you'll feel happy" even though I've personally got no evidence of being gay in the past, no fantasising about men, no erections or romances. It really confuses me and I just want these thoughts gone.
I've not being diagnosed with OCD but I feel I have some tendencies, I have a thing for patterns and geometry looking amazing and thinking it's amazing. Times in the past where I've attached a bad memory to something I used to like so I no longer enjoy that thing because I only can ever think of the thing I hated that I attached to it. I have irrational phobias of mundane things like I have a fear of cinemas because of that "Dark Knight" shooting in 2012, I think about what would happen if a relative died (like how would I cope, not some sort of Death Fantasy). Please help me because I can't even hang with my friends anymore as of a fear I might somehow be attracted to them even though I've never even thought like that in the past. My head is never calm like it used to be and its driving me mental.

[JGF25]

See my answer to Helpmeeeeeeeplz on the forum that I just posted.  I think it applies to you as well except you are a guy and Help....is a girl.  let me know if you have any questions after reading.  

[benny3399]

Dude I've been suffering from this I'm 17 and also go to an all guys school. Mine started from passing a guy and said wow that's a good looking guy wish I looked like that to constant gay worries. Good idea not to look at gay porn cuz it keeps him the cycle of you do. I did and it just made me keep thinking. It's not a good source cuz ur body would be stressed by watching it and u might feel a sensation that would not be arousal. So what I'm trying g to tell u is porn is not a good source AT ALL. If it's just for checking and not pure enjoyment it's just OCD playing the games. Dude relax I've had the same issues as u it's so dumb . My whole life I've dreamed about being with
Girls this is like me thinking a nightmare
Might come true. I got
Diagnosed with an anxiety disorder last week which is good. News cuz he said dude it's not a sexuality problem but obsessional. Which I def believe is the same with you!!! So chill man lmk if u need any more
Help mine has been going o. And off for a year and a half