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Suffering with hocd for a while now.

So I've been suffering with it for a while. I do have an appointment with a therapist but its not for a while. But before that I really want to know why I feel this way. My hocd has been on and off. Now it's at a stage where it feels super real and I hate it but I'm tired off fighting with the thoughts. I honestly wish it could stop. So recently today I felt wave of relief wash over telling me I not gay. But with that I also got new thoughts of being sad that I'm not gay? That kinda sent me into a little panic attack (2 mins) but I'm not caring about that. I just want to know that why do I suddenly feel sad that I'm not gay? I really don't want to be gay. I never questioned my sexuality before, but now I'm doubting everything. I get thoughts like " you never liked guys" " you'll never be happy with a guy" but before this hocd started I always wanted to be with one. Even as a kid, I imagined being with a guy, never did the thought of me being a lesbian cross my mind. I actually just found out what Hocd was a few months back. A little info about me: 16 year old, never dated, and has been diagnosed of having anxiety from a doc. I stopped going to a therapist because I thought my worries stopped, but I guess not. Any help is appreciated.
2 Responses
Avatar universal
Since I started coming on here a few weeks ago I've been noticing this phenomenon of seemingly straight women obsessing over an irrational doubt about their sexual orientation. They have clear histories of expressing heterosexual preferences, however some seed of doubt compells them to ruminate on "what if I actually like women and don't like men." My theory is that, as female sexual attractions are less overtly physical than male sexual attractions, women might compare their attractions to the way men lust after women and think their feelings are inferior. For a young woman of sixteen its perfectly healthy to not be lusting after every man you see. Most young women are very cautious about their sexual attractions and would only consider a physical relationship after many emotional bridges had been built. My theory is as you develop a full relationship with a young man, you will experience more intense attractions manifesting themselves. You are still very young and don't have a lot of experience with relationships, its easy to see why you might be a little confused about your feelings. And don't be so worked up about it; sexuality is just one part of a person, and NOT the most important part by far, despite what society says. The only thing that matters is for you to do what feels right for you; every single person is unique, and everyone has their own individual experience. none of them are wrong.
Avatar universal
I was feeling the same thing as a straight male.  I didnt even knoe hocd existed untill this site.  I did some research and found a pdf about hocd after searching for hocd symptoms.  I am on my phone or i would provide the link.  Understanding the ocd better helped me realize what was wrong with me.  After reading it i felt relieved.  Im in an early stage of the ocd so it.probably is easier for me to overcome.  I suggest doing research on the ocd just to understand what your brain is.actually doing.  Good luck!  I will get you that link.
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