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Am I a repressed homosexual?
I'm 33-old man. I've never been very good at girls, sex, and so on. To say the truth, my sexual life is close to nothing. I have had a few relationships with girls - the sex was lame and most of the time I wasn't able to get an erection. I was very anxious, very low-confident and scared of performing bad. I was ashamed of my body. The girls would try to be kind, but the relationships would end up soon. This did not bother me too much, as I can describe myself as a loner, and being in a relationship or havings sex was never very important for me.
Nine years ago I met the girl! We liked and loved each other, we really needed each other, but ... this didn't really help my sexual performance. I order to stop being disappointed, we actually stopped trying to have sex (we still having it, very rarely, when we have drunk alcohol, and it does not work). But we still love each other and we are almost happy.
Two years ago I quit smoking and cut down alcohol (I used to abuse heavily). I started practicing sports (swimming, biking, occasional fitness). And then I got the idea - what if I am gay? That would account for all my troubles. This is a thought that really terrifies me. I'm not the typical homophobe - people are free to do what they want and this does not bother me, but I never saw myself like a gay and I absolutely don't want to be one. But there is some evidence in my life that might be a sign of repressed homosexuality...
When I was in my early teens, I used to get very excited and often aroused (git an erection) by boys wearing earrings and necklesses. It was not the boys themselves that would arouse me, but the fact that they were wearing these things, that they were trespassing some kind of taboo. I was also very excited by bare feet (both men and women). I had two fantasies about having sexual encounters with boys, but they were very brief and I was ashamed of myself.
In my late teens, I liked only girls and so on until now.
Now, I suffer from homosexual anxiety that ruins more and more hours. I constantly check the forums on the Internet, I analyze myself all the time. I started to secretly stare at men on the street to find out whether I am excited. I wouldn't say that I get aroused or anything, I just can't help looking, but this makes me sick. Lately, when I get a mornign erection, half-asleep, I started thinking about gay men that I know. Again, I'm not aroused and feel bad, but can't stop these thoughts.
When I have a hangover, it's even worse. It makes me want to die. I'm losing my apetite.
I discussed it with my girlfriend, she's very understanding, she told me that she would love me and be with me even if I was gay. But I can see she's upset.
I try not to think of this, and when I am alone or at work, I manage to stop the obsession, but when I get into the street, and when I see a guy walking past, I involuntarily sneak at him and my hell is back.
To tell the entire truth, I often watch porn (straight, not homosexual porn). It makes me ashamed and I want to stop doing it, because this would hurt my girlfriend, and because I find this gross, but I am somehow addicted. I don't want to try watching gay porn to check, because I feel that it will traumatize me and I am secretly afraid that I might like it and this would be the final proof... I don't want to experiment with a man, for the same reasons.
I had difficult relationships with my father, and all my life I've been surrounded by women. I have a few good male friends, who are straight, although they are not typical and might have sufferred from uncertainties without telling me, I don't know about that.
I feel nervous around typical straight macho guys. I've been bullied at school and have never been able to get agressive enough to strike back.
I am often very nervous and have frequent outbursts of anger against everyone. In the same time, I am very successful in work and I have good reasons to be self-confident, but I am not.
These days I am feeling really down, very depressed and anxious and this gay thing is ruining my life. I know a few gay guys, when I meet them, I loose my mind out of anxiety, they may see it and feel upset or hurt by this. I don't want to hurt them, but it is often stronger than me. They scare me, as I feel that they might reveal my gayness. I want to be kind to them, but I don't want them to thinks that I am gay too. I am afraid of myself, not of them. But they are just the factor that triggers the fear.
In short - I am pretty confused and close to a serious breakdown.
After reading all this, what do you think? Am I gay? Am I having a HOCD? Am I normal? Am I asexual? What the hell am I?
Nine years ago I met the girl! We liked and loved each other, we really needed each other, but ... this didn't really help my sexual performance. I order to stop being disappointed, we actually stopped trying to have sex (we still having it, very rarely, when we have drunk alcohol, and it does not work). But we still love each other and we are almost happy.
Two years ago I quit smoking and cut down alcohol (I used to abuse heavily). I started practicing sports (swimming, biking, occasional fitness). And then I got the idea - what if I am gay? That would account for all my troubles. This is a thought that really terrifies me. I'm not the typical homophobe - people are free to do what they want and this does not bother me, but I never saw myself like a gay and I absolutely don't want to be one. But there is some evidence in my life that might be a sign of repressed homosexuality...
When I was in my early teens, I used to get very excited and often aroused (git an erection) by boys wearing earrings and necklesses. It was not the boys themselves that would arouse me, but the fact that they were wearing these things, that they were trespassing some kind of taboo. I was also very excited by bare feet (both men and women). I had two fantasies about having sexual encounters with boys, but they were very brief and I was ashamed of myself.
In my late teens, I liked only girls and so on until now.
Now, I suffer from homosexual anxiety that ruins more and more hours. I constantly check the forums on the Internet, I analyze myself all the time. I started to secretly stare at men on the street to find out whether I am excited. I wouldn't say that I get aroused or anything, I just can't help looking, but this makes me sick. Lately, when I get a mornign erection, half-asleep, I started thinking about gay men that I know. Again, I'm not aroused and feel bad, but can't stop these thoughts.
When I have a hangover, it's even worse. It makes me want to die. I'm losing my apetite.
I discussed it with my girlfriend, she's very understanding, she told me that she would love me and be with me even if I was gay. But I can see she's upset.
I try not to think of this, and when I am alone or at work, I manage to stop the obsession, but when I get into the street, and when I see a guy walking past, I involuntarily sneak at him and my hell is back.
To tell the entire truth, I often watch porn (straight, not homosexual porn). It makes me ashamed and I want to stop doing it, because this would hurt my girlfriend, and because I find this gross, but I am somehow addicted. I don't want to try watching gay porn to check, because I feel that it will traumatize me and I am secretly afraid that I might like it and this would be the final proof... I don't want to experiment with a man, for the same reasons.
I had difficult relationships with my father, and all my life I've been surrounded by women. I have a few good male friends, who are straight, although they are not typical and might have sufferred from uncertainties without telling me, I don't know about that.
I feel nervous around typical straight macho guys. I've been bullied at school and have never been able to get agressive enough to strike back.
I am often very nervous and have frequent outbursts of anger against everyone. In the same time, I am very successful in work and I have good reasons to be self-confident, but I am not.
These days I am feeling really down, very depressed and anxious and this gay thing is ruining my life. I know a few gay guys, when I meet them, I loose my mind out of anxiety, they may see it and feel upset or hurt by this. I don't want to hurt them, but it is often stronger than me. They scare me, as I feel that they might reveal my gayness. I want to be kind to them, but I don't want them to thinks that I am gay too. I am afraid of myself, not of them. But they are just the factor that triggers the fear.
In short - I am pretty confused and close to a serious breakdown.
After reading all this, what do you think? Am I gay? Am I having a HOCD? Am I normal? Am I asexual? What the hell am I?
Testing is anything you use to "see" if you get aroused. Be it videos, people on the street, etc.
Here is a good article to read:
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=82:ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&catid=0
Here are a couple of books:
Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani
Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts by Christine Purdon
Here is a good article to read:
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=82:ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&catid=0
Here are a couple of books:
Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani
Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts by Christine Purdon
Hi there. So it sounds like you have a lot going on and honestly I am not allowed to diagnose you on the forum.
From what I can tell you are prone to anxiety and it looks like you have been conjuring up thoughts for a long time now and being gay is up to bat right now.
There are any number of things that could be damping your sex drive. First is low testosterone. Second is low self-esteem especially around women and in the bedroom. Just because you are having performance issues doesn't mean you are gay. Honestly, with all this going around in your head, the fears, I'm sure that is damping your sex drive as well.
I think the first starting place is to talk to your general practitioner and get your testosterone level checked out.
Then I would suggest you see a psychologist. I know you may think it is embarrassing but honestly that is what they are there for. They help you sort out what is going on in your head. Why you would be thinking the way you are. What in your life may be holding you back. There is usually some sort of trigger. Maybe it was the bullying. Who knows.
What I do know is that who we are attracted to is based in our genetics. I don't have to think when I see a good looking man...my body does the thinking for me. If I see a pretty woman, I notice her. I notice her hair, her clothes, how she looks in them...but all in a comparison way. My body does not react to them.
Also, you don't want to test. Testing leads to more anxiety. You test, you feel reassured for about a second, then you start doubting, then you start testing and you just keep going around and around. You need to break that cycle.
From what I can tell you are prone to anxiety and it looks like you have been conjuring up thoughts for a long time now and being gay is up to bat right now.
There are any number of things that could be damping your sex drive. First is low testosterone. Second is low self-esteem especially around women and in the bedroom. Just because you are having performance issues doesn't mean you are gay. Honestly, with all this going around in your head, the fears, I'm sure that is damping your sex drive as well.
I think the first starting place is to talk to your general practitioner and get your testosterone level checked out.
Then I would suggest you see a psychologist. I know you may think it is embarrassing but honestly that is what they are there for. They help you sort out what is going on in your head. Why you would be thinking the way you are. What in your life may be holding you back. There is usually some sort of trigger. Maybe it was the bullying. Who knows.
What I do know is that who we are attracted to is based in our genetics. I don't have to think when I see a good looking man...my body does the thinking for me. If I see a pretty woman, I notice her. I notice her hair, her clothes, how she looks in them...but all in a comparison way. My body does not react to them.
Also, you don't want to test. Testing leads to more anxiety. You test, you feel reassured for about a second, then you start doubting, then you start testing and you just keep going around and around. You need to break that cycle.
2 Comments
Thanks for the advice, JGF25!
What do you mean by testing?
What do you mean by testing?
It's true that I am prone to anxiety. I have experienced various phobias and obsessions - fear of dark forces, fear that I might be a killer or psychopath, hypochondrias, and I have a real phobia of wasps, bees, and cockroaches.
I forgot to mention that the anxiety was always secretly there, since at least 10 years, but these would be occassional bad thoughrs that would go away easily. I would tell my self - just carry on as if nothing happened, you're not gay and you know it. But now this method does not work and the fear is here to stay.
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