Wow. I am absolutely amazed reading thru these stories! I swear you have been following me and beat me here to tell my story! I have known forever that I have had OCD.. i also have bipolar & severe anxiety (to put it mildly). My mental health dr told me thats what caused me to start drugs 20yrs ago (before I was diagnosed and she said I was self medicating) but thats when I first started the picking. Im off the drugs now.. been 10 yrs. But he picking obsession stayed. Dr says it is part of the OCD. Longest ime in front of the mirror? 4 hrs. My arms are totally scared completely. I am forever trying to find anything to pop on my back. Im constantly running my fingers over my face seeing id I missed anything from the last check 2 min before. My and poor ears suffer the most. I hate summer. Can't wear short sleeves when it looks like uve tied up with cheeze on your arms in a mouse cage. My family dnt believe I am still clean. I only have the severe relapse on picking when I get really stressed so I can look fine for months then boom. Im a hot mess whwn they see me at a family gathering and the questions begin. I think people at work are used to it. I catch them staring sometimes but if they dnt ask I jusy ignore them. Only my closet friends know the truth. Cause really I am obsessed with finding zits or blackheads (or what I think could become one soon or someday) but also am always on the hunt for any corse hair that may be growing on my arms, neck, chin. Anywhere. If I find one.. its gonna be a bad if it wont come out easy and it rare they do. Because I will dig till I get it out creating horrible sores. I am an extreame case. Im a nervous wreck. And I just thought he picking was another part of my one of a kind gifts that keep my doctor in practice. Im really glad I came accross this page!! I may not know any of you but I no I am not alone.. thanks to all of you for sharing! !!!!!!!
I have so much pimple marks and scabs on my face and it's really ugly.. It embarrassed me when the lights are too bright and I can't go under sunlight because i'm afraid someone would notice how horrible my face is.. Reading your stories helps me a lot.. and it changes how i look at myself now.. thanks a lot guys!! :)
Guys, I am so happy to have found this community. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I think I have been picking my face compulsively ever since I was maybe 15, and I am 28 now. Strangely enough, it is only now, today, that I have decided to google this issue as a disorder and check if anyone else has this type of matter going on. It is just so crazy to me now as I am writing this to you that throughout all that time (13 years!) I was somehow convinced that I am alone with this issue, that what I do is disgusting, and to shameful to share or even look up. There was so much shame linked to that. I find it quite surprising myself that even though I have also been compulsively eating (binge eating disorder) ever since I was a teenager, this disorder has been so much easier for me to admit to others. I mean, there are friends, not many, but there are a few, to whom I have opened up about the fact that I have been eating compulsively, whereas there is no one whom I would tell about picking my face like this EVER. I mean, my parents and brother knew, because I did leave with them at the time when it all started, but they themselves where completely in the dark about how serious it was and just criticized me harshly for doing what I had been doing. (Needless to say, that was of not much help, I felt even worse and even more like a weird stranger). But other than them, no one ever knew, I would share this with no one ever. How crazy is that, right?
There was somehow, right until this moment so much conviction in me that this is just *way* too disgusting to share, and something so weird (because just like some of you mention, I am also not quite sure *why* I do it), something that I am likely the only person on the planet busy with.. that I just would not share this with anyone ever before.
My compulsion comes and goes, there are times when I don't do this at all, and others when the urge takes me over (like just right before I have found this forum).. But I remember even once when I was living with my boyfriend at the time, and of course my face would be just all red, even violet, and devastated after a super long visit in the bathroom and even then, even when it must have been straight obvious what I have been doing, I had never shared or talked to him about that. Even I would share my bed with him, but I would still be too ashamed to talk about what I had just done.. Hmm, I guess what I am saying, is *thank you* so much for posting here, you may not know what a relief it is for me to now, after all this time find out that there are people just like me out there, who struggle and often fail, and that I am somehow not alone with this. I guess, if not with tackling the OCD itself, seeing your posts helps me at least deal with the shame aspect of it. And that's big to me already.
As far as the picking is concerned, what I find strangely interesting about it is that - similarly to compulsive eating - you are both the one who does the damage and the one who is the victim. At least that's how it is in my case. That's kind of peculiar, would you agree? I mean, the fact that we must have some sort of 'split mind' in that moment of urge, where there are 'two' of us, two 'Is', to 'me', the one who punishes and one who is being punished.. I'm entirely sure how to express that, but that's just largely how it feels in my case.
Just like in many of your stories, I see that the urge to pick comes from some sort of subconscious place, the level of the mind when it is really something you absolutely *have to* do, some sort of survival or coping mechanism. If I was to compare this matter to compulsive eating (which is not active in my case at the moment) then I'd say that the urge usually comes when there are many thoughts, anxieties about other things going on in my head. In a way that's probably what's so seductive about picking, compulsive eating or any other addiction for that matter; is that it gives you 'time out' from your problems, that it is a moment that you are totally out there, hypnotized, as many of you guys here put it, that in those hours, minutes etc. nothing else matters, none of our (or at least mine) problems seem to exist.. That's a powerful temptation to resist. Only it does not solve the things that were bothering us in the first place and also the shame and guilt about the action itself, once what was there to be done, is done, seem just unbearable.
If I were to point one thing that I learned from your brave and honest posts guys is that picking seems to be just a cover up for something else that's going on inside us, inside our minds, and that's just a way we (or at least myself) express those bothering thoughts and emotions for lack of a better way to deal with those.
But here's an idea. Maybe instead of harsh, we can all just be gentle with ourselves.. I know, this may sound naive especially since this is such a serious issue for all of us posting here, but hear me out, please. One of the things that really seems to have helped me let go of my compulsive eating thing is.. I ALLOWED IT. I MEAN IT. I JUST COMPLETELY ALLOWED IT. Of course first for years I had been trying to stop, but then at some point I think I just accepted it as a part of me, part of who I am, I just stopped thinking that it would be bad to have an attack and good not to have one. I just GAVE MYSELF A TOTAL PERMISSION TO DO IT. I imagine this may just sound like giving up and not asking for help, but to me in fact it was quite the opposite. I had been doing therapy at the time (not for this issue in particular, but generally about my stress level, relationship with my mother etc.), I have been for quite some time practicing meditation, I exercise frequently and do also a lot of small fun creative things, which I notice have been helpful also. And so I just said to myself: 'Look, there are things you control and things you don't control. How about you do all the things that help you and that you are able to control, keep meditating, exercising, dancing etc. And if the thing you cannot control - compulsive eating - happens, then it happens. End of story. Your job is to do the things you can do. And not to stop doing things you have no control over'. And with that approach, somehow, with time, the compulsion just LEFT ME. I somehow thought maybe you guys would find this angle useful in some way.
I think really a big part of our problem/case etc (or at least my personal case) may be that we're so ashamed of what we do, ashamed that others would find out, ashamed that we cannot control ourselves, convinced that we do something we shouldn't be doing. But what if we skip all that. What if we allow ourselves completely to do what we do, and just focus our energy on all the other activities that do get us better, like exercise, meditation, therapy, or even coming out about it to friends. In a way it is crazy that we expect ourselves to be able to stop it, if we ourselves don't have control over it in the first place, isn't it? If we did have the power to stop it, if we had this kind of control, then we wouldn't have started it in the first place, right? I mean, we just put additional pressure on ourselves by 'trying to stop'. I think what I'll try to do now, just like previously with eating, is just to *allow* it to be instead.
This turned out to be a super long post, but I just felt compelled to share some of my thoughts with you guys. Who knows, maybe they resonate and help. For me it was really wonderful to read your stories today, so consoling, just lovely. So big thanks for that.
Lots of love and good luck loving yourselves with the beautiful pimples, anxieties, obsessions and disorders that we have; just as we are,
hanka_sss
I have scars on my legs from picking at scabs and now they look like dark spots all over my arms and legs what do I do?
Im soo glad im not the only one !!!! Just want to find more info.
i dont do drugs either its when im nervous or thinking, i am recovering little by little i will pick at face body, where there are ravor bumps from shaving i pick
do i need medication?
S