Aa
Denial or HOCD?
I have been confused about my sexuality since I was 14-years-old, ever since watching an episode of "Roseanne" which she is kissed by a lesbian woman. I'm twenty-three now and I've been attacks off-and-on over the years of wondering what the hell my orientation is. I've never had a boyfriend and or even been kissed, but I've had crushes and as far as I can remember, they've all been on guys. I tend to be very attracted to androgynous men.
I've been asked if I am bisexual twice before in high school and each time I said no, but the question has plagued me to this day. I got so scared that I had to go to my counselor and I remember having a panic attack and crying. She reassured me that if I was that upset about it then I probably wasn't but it only helped for awhile. When I have these spells I get afraid to be around women, even if they're my best friend or my sisters. I can't look at pictures or art of lesbian or naked women because I'm terrified I'll like it.
What's really been bothering me lately is that I've been entertaining the thought of just giving in and letting myself be with girls. I'm not fighting it as hard as I usually do and I hate it. I'm absolutely fine if someone else wants to be bisexual or gay, but I don't want to be. I feel like I am being homophobic when I think like this, though, and then I feel like a jerk. I want homosexuals to have their rights just as much as heterosexuals, even if it sometimes makes me uncomfortable. I certain if I didn't have this problem with not knowing who I am I'd be just fine with them being allowed marriage grants and move on, but as it stands...
I know a lot of people say you're born gay or bisexual, but that freaks me out the most because I have an uncle on my mother's side who is gay, so the recipe is obviously there. I just don't know what to do any more. The spike I'm having now is awful. I can't look at girls at all with worrying if I'm just comparing myself or checking them out. I need advice badly.
I've been asked if I am bisexual twice before in high school and each time I said no, but the question has plagued me to this day. I got so scared that I had to go to my counselor and I remember having a panic attack and crying. She reassured me that if I was that upset about it then I probably wasn't but it only helped for awhile. When I have these spells I get afraid to be around women, even if they're my best friend or my sisters. I can't look at pictures or art of lesbian or naked women because I'm terrified I'll like it.
What's really been bothering me lately is that I've been entertaining the thought of just giving in and letting myself be with girls. I'm not fighting it as hard as I usually do and I hate it. I'm absolutely fine if someone else wants to be bisexual or gay, but I don't want to be. I feel like I am being homophobic when I think like this, though, and then I feel like a jerk. I want homosexuals to have their rights just as much as heterosexuals, even if it sometimes makes me uncomfortable. I certain if I didn't have this problem with not knowing who I am I'd be just fine with them being allowed marriage grants and move on, but as it stands...
I know a lot of people say you're born gay or bisexual, but that freaks me out the most because I have an uncle on my mother's side who is gay, so the recipe is obviously there. I just don't know what to do any more. The spike I'm having now is awful. I can't look at girls at all with worrying if I'm just comparing myself or checking them out. I need advice badly.
You know what...there is beauty in all of us. And what we project is what others see. If we walk with our heads down, we are going to be missed. We cannot change the way we look per se but if we are overweight, we can go on a diet and exercise, if we wear glasses then we can get contacts, if our hair isn't the right style for our faces then we get a makeover. If our faces are covered in acne, then we wash it three times a day. There is so much we can do to ourselves to make ourselves feel good. I'm not sure why you feel immature at 23 but if you know you are acting immature then that is also something you can change. Good luck.
My parents are divorced and I have never liked the way I look or my personality. And I have other medical issues besides OCD, which itself is undiagnosed but it runs on both sides of the family. I'm really always afraid I'll chase men away with my immaturity.
Again, thank-you for answering my questions.
Again, thank-you for answering my questions.
When we are young and people say things to us, it always leaves a lasting impression. And someone asking you if you were bisexual in high school and you have a predisposition to OCD, then it is going to stick and you are going to start overanalyzing it.
From what you wrote you have never been attracted to a woman. I think that is the answer in a nutshell. The only crushes you have had were on guys (doesn't matter what they look like...that is just another example of overanalyzing).
What you have to do is meet this head on. When you see a woman and your mind says something stupid like "your a lesbian, you like her" you need to take the control back and say "NO, I'M NOT...THE END." Don't let it go on and on and on because that is when the anxiety starts to come into play and the second-guessing. It is very, very natural to look at other women and notice if they look good in a pair of jeans for example. I do it all the time, frankly, because I want to look as good as they do...not because I'm into them sexually.
You need to have confidence that you can handle these situations. You need to stop the avoidance behavior because then you are giving into the thought and the more you give into it the more it is going to plague you. You are actually doing the right thing by not fighting the thought. You llike guys period so why fight the thought...it isn't a fact...only a fiction that has been created by your mind.
What I do wonder though is why you have never had a boyfriend since you are into guys. Is there a reason for that? Low-self esteem? Your afraid? Can you enlighten me a bit more on that?
From what you wrote you have never been attracted to a woman. I think that is the answer in a nutshell. The only crushes you have had were on guys (doesn't matter what they look like...that is just another example of overanalyzing).
What you have to do is meet this head on. When you see a woman and your mind says something stupid like "your a lesbian, you like her" you need to take the control back and say "NO, I'M NOT...THE END." Don't let it go on and on and on because that is when the anxiety starts to come into play and the second-guessing. It is very, very natural to look at other women and notice if they look good in a pair of jeans for example. I do it all the time, frankly, because I want to look as good as they do...not because I'm into them sexually.
You need to have confidence that you can handle these situations. You need to stop the avoidance behavior because then you are giving into the thought and the more you give into it the more it is going to plague you. You are actually doing the right thing by not fighting the thought. You llike guys period so why fight the thought...it isn't a fact...only a fiction that has been created by your mind.
What I do wonder though is why you have never had a boyfriend since you are into guys. Is there a reason for that? Low-self esteem? Your afraid? Can you enlighten me a bit more on that?
Thank-you for responding. ^_^ I just mean I'm usually attracted to thin to medium-built men, preferably with long hair to or past the shoulders. Other feminine characteristics as long as they're not actually women. I might've used the would androgyny wrong. I'm sorry if I did and if it's confusing. I wasn't in the best mind when I posted this.
Hi there...I am one of those believers in genetics playing a very significant role in who we are attracted to.
When you say androgynous men....describe this person to me.
When you say androgynous men....describe this person to me.
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