So im a 28yr old guy and my recent fear is Transgender-OCD...
I used to be happy being me and i enjoyed my puberty and being a guy (beard, low voice, growing bigger, being affirmed as masculine, being a dad, cool guy etc.)... but now im starting to doubt that too and i get weird anxiety when i try to think about anything revolving manhood..
The most tricky part is that i have this weird sexual fetish or whetever ive had for many years now about me being a woman / feminine and i hate it.. apart from a few submissive fantasies, I used to have only vanilla straight fantasies in my puberty, had sex many times and relationships with women and i loved it.. but now i feel like something is hijacking me and i dont get hard properly to the stuff i used to enjoy...
Now i must mention i have had porn-addiction issues since i was 13 and only recently have i tried to quit properly.. my tastes have escalated from vanilla stuff to weirder stuff, recently things revolving around this weird fetish... and now when i try to test myself if i get hard to women, i usually do but its more of a struggle than before.. it scares me so much, wtf is going on.. i hope this is just some porn escalation issue or performance anxiety inhibiting me from enjoying myself properly as a straight guy like before...
I never ever questioned my gender or had any wishes to be a woman up until when i first got Trans-OCD... now i doubt myself all the time and i hate these thoughts i get telling me im feminine, act feminine, want to be a woman in real life and that i dont enjoy being a guy... and these weird arousals... they scare me... i feel depressed and unmotivated about all of this.. i feel like my brain is controlling me and making me become something i havent been before... sometimes my thoughts say "you feel good about these thoughts" and sometimes i dont feel anxiety... that worries me too...
I hope it will get better... I am in CBT-therapy and doing noFap (taking a break from porn and masturbation to hopefully restore my normal sexuality).. id be ok if i just went back to the state where i have a few of these odd fantasies and mostly straight vanilla fantasies... i could try to accept that.. but this... this brings me down...
Is there hope? Can anyone relate?
Thanks!