Does anyone else suffer from severe HIV OCD?

[CL4321]

hello all,
for a while now I have suffered from severe HIV OCD. I have "contracted" hiv a million different times, a million different ways. From accidentally drinking my friends drink, getting "poked" when pumping gas, getting "poked" when opening a door to a store, shaking hands, stepping on a needle, etc. I know in my mind that it is completely ridiculous but i can not seem to shake the fact that it is basically impossible to get in these ways (just after saying that, i had to knock on wood). I had about 4 HIV tests in the span of 7 months (which is completely ridiculous, i know). I often have bad thoughts about people with HIV, which i DO NOT mean. they pop into my head, and i feel so bad after they happen. I often check my body for new things, and when i do find something new, i think i was poked by an infected needle. I am sexually active -- i even made my newest partner get tested before we had sex.

I am so sorry for rambling, but I have no one else to talk to. My friends dont understand and when i do try to talk to them, they dont understand. I am so grateful that I have found this website -- it is such a relief to have complete strangers who are willing to help.

So, after my long ramble.. my question is, does anyone out there suffer from HIV OCD/anxiety? how do you deal with it?

Thank you so much and God Bless.

[mel536]

hey everyone, hey jgf25 it's me again.
im having a crisis now, i just think that im not going to have a cure, i think that im weaker now more and more...im really desesperated because i have a weird sense of contamination around me, i cant not travel by public transport without checking everywhere i go and i find many stains!! i dont know what they are but these freak me out!! im very sad, im angry with this disorder i just wanto to take this disorder off my mind, but i cant!!! it *****, ****...im want my life back....i know that you dont know me but i can understand you, too
look...today i had a cut on my finger by a door, it was a little dot (i dont know how to explain)i didnt have blood or anything, any fluid, nothing but that event freaked me out anyway...do you think it's possible to get infected with hiv in that way?
second event: i had three stains on my jeans, i dont know what those were but i touched those, then i had the thoughts that they could  be semen or breast milk but anyway those stains were dry. however, i started to cry because i thought that i could get inffected with hiv by that way. HEY WHAT DO YOU THINK??? I DONT KNOW HOW TO  OVERCOME THIS, I THINK IT'S NOT POSSIBLE TO DO...
my problem is that sometimes i think that many ways are possible of getting hiv, i dont know, sometimes i think they are irrational thoughts but sometimes i think they are possible!! what can i do??? how do i know they are impossible??? please help me!!! what do you think??
thank u so much, really...thank u and sorry for my english, im not a native speaker

[luvkitties2]

You said:

"I am sexually active -- i even made my newest partner get tested before we had sex"

Actually, I think that's pretty smart. I did the same in my last relationship as well. That's not to say that everything will be detected in that instance, as some viruses (such as HIV) have a "window period" where a person may be infected but the immune system has not yet produced enough antibodies to determine an infection.

[JGF25]

Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that you had such an adverse reaction to Wellbutrin.  I only took the clonazepam during the day in the beginning to help with the immediate OCD/anxiety crisis.  I need something long-term and that is where the Wellbutrin comes in for me.  I do take the 1 mg of Clonazepam at night to sleep otherwise I would be up all night.  I think I will try to taper it down to half and see what happens.  You have me a bit scared about the addiction to it.  

I do hope you feel better soon.  I know how hard this is.  I feel like it encompasses my entire life and I am so completely desperate when I am in crisis.  I hope I never have to go there again.   I went a long time without meds so I'm hoping I can do that again at some point.

I hope the incresae in klonopin does help you.  I think we need to do whatever is necessary to feel better because living the other way is just not living.

[needpeaceplease]

ya im allergic to welbutrin i was on it for depression it just bout killed me is just howcallergic i was to it. clonazepam worked wonders for me i was one on 3 mg's 1 mg 3 times a day now im at 1mg twice daily my body is highly addicted to it we have tried to tapper me off but i go thru really serious withdrawls i would be throwing up couldnt eat sleep my anxiety was worse i would sweat really bad flu like symptoms etc so now they keep me on it so i dont go thru those benzo withdrawl syndrome but it just got upped again to see if it will start to calm me down again. the bad thing bout clonazepam is it u take it as much as i did you have to continue to up it to get thecsame effect

[JGF25]

Actually the book is self-coaching...not self-communication...sorry.

[needpeaceplease]

u r not alone i went thru an actual exposure and where im from canada its 12 weeks but that wasnt good enough i tested 14 times from may of 2010 and my last test was last week n it was.negative 14 neg. and then i go and do mutual masturbation where the guy used his saliva to lubricate my penis. ive beeb told.by so many agencies and.experts.and here on medhelp that its zero risk then i seen my doctor today and.she said zero risk no testing needed so believe me i no what ur going thru