Hi, I’ve previously posted on this website in regards to my HOCD. I had been doing really well over the past few months; I was able to shake the thoughts off like a regular person would, until about 4 days ago. I had a spike, probably one the worst ones I have ever experienced, and my life has honestly been hell since. A couple of things happened, first off, for my friend’s birthday, everyone wanted to go to the strip club, and I broke down because I just didn’t want to go. Second, I found out that one of my friends came out, and she had previously dated guys… I’m questioning everything and it’s truly horrible. When I reached out to a friend of mine, her response was “you know, maybe you’re bisexual” and having (or hoping, praying) I have HOCD, this comment only made everything much much worse. I’ve been analyzing every little piece of information from my past, I’ve been taking tests online, just to get myself out of this downfall.
I’ve had a boyfriend for about 9 months now, and I tell him all the time that he is honestly the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anybody before. But with this spike, it’s like I’ve been avoiding him, scared that my attraction to him will fade. He knows about my HOCD and is extremely understanding about it, but I just feel bad that he has to deal with this too, I mean it must not be easy.
I’ve also spoken to one of my friends, who is soon to be doctor, and she said she’d previously treated people like me as well. She said she doesn’t believe I am a lesbian, or bi, because I would be more concerned about coming out, then I would be about being lesbian. However, with that said, I started questioning and of course over analyzing every little thing “well maybe that is what im afraid of?” “no, that’s not it” and it’s honestly never ending! Everyone keeps telling me “well it’s you, you should know how you feel” And it’s true, but I feel like with the anxiety I have, plus the OCD, it’s impossible for me to be certain of how I feel. I’ll tell myself, “no, you’re not a lesbian, because you are still attracted to guys” and then I second guess myself, saying “am I though? Or am I just saying this to make myself feel better” and that is pretty much how every single thought over the past few days, regarding this HOCD has been. It’s exhausting and just horrible. I’ve cried for four days straight, it’s just not fun.
While I was searching the web for stories, I realized that a lot of people say they always knew they were gay, and then, as you can imagine, I started to think. I keep analyzing every little detail in my life and now that’s all I can think about. I remember when I was little, I experimented with some of my girl friends, we would play house and we were a mom and a dad and we would kiss. But I don’t remember how I felt about it, so is that it? Is that the sign that I’ve known all my life? SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME! Then when I was 17, I remember putting my friends hair behind her ear, and she looked at me and said “lesbo” and that was it, I felt my face turn red as though she had just revealed my biggest secret! LIKE WHAT THE HELL! And when I was 18, and I had started my first real relationship, I remember have a panic attack of needed to break up with him because he cant date a lesbian… (I feel like that’s where it really started…) When im sleeping over at my friends house, it’s like I feel uncomfortable if they want to spoon with me… It’s like when I’m around my girl friends, I feel like I have to watch what I say, and during this spike, I just wanted to shut everyone out, in fear that I become attracted to them.
I remember, that like when I was about 16, I had a best girl friend, and she was comfortable with herself and stuff and she would like do pole dances for her bf (fully clothed) and I remember getting nervous because It made me feel uncomfortable, and maybe aroused? I DON’T REMEMBER! This is what I’m saying, like doesnt this mean ive known my whole life like other gay people? I’m so scared, angry, irritated, sad, annoyed and frustrated!! I DON’T WANT TO BE A LESBIAN! And like, when we would play truth or dare, I always felt like someone was going to ask me truth and I would have to just say im a lesbian… like I just don’t understand why this is happening… it is seriously the wore feeling I have ever had! If I could be OCD about anything else in the world, I’d be GREAT! And the last thing, I have always been a very insecure person, and recently one of my teachers asked me why im so afraid to be myself, and when people ask me that, it’s like I have “well you see, it’s cause im probably gay” in the back of my mind. Like to me I feel that’s what people are implying to me, when they say be yourself. I’ve always pictured myself getting married (to my boyfriend actually, ive had a crush on him since we were little), having kids together, traveling the world etc.
I don’t know what this means, and my friend said to settle it once and for all, I should just go out a kiss a girl and see how I feel. YA RIGHT, I’m way to afraid to do that, because what if I am gay? And I like it? Then honestly idk what I’d do with myself. I’m back to the point I just want my life back to how it was over the last few months, enjoying life with my boyfriend, talking about our future together! With this illness, it makes me question everything, to the point where I say “I have to break up with him, im a lesbian, theres no other option” and if I lost him, my life would over. Can someone please help me!!! I cannot live like this!!!
I feel like there's so much I left out.. anyways something I wanted to add, was that yesterday, when i spoke to my doctor friend, I was a mess... and she simply said, because i am currently in college, away from my family and my boyfriend, that my mind is very vulnerable right now, so this could be why.. is this true?
It's just a constant battle with myself, and i am honestly exhausted.. like maybe i should just give up the whole thing and be a lesbian... NO WHAT AM I SAYIN!? ughh someone please help :'(
Will this ever go away? :'(