HOCD OR DENIAL? PLEASE RESPOND, I AM GOING INSANE!

[Theparanoidgirl]

Hi, I am a 15 1/2 year old girl and for the past month I have been dealing with disturbing thoughts about my sexual orientation. Firstly, I would like to say that I completely support the LGBTQ+ community and have nothing against them. But the thoughts I have are driving me insane! I have always thought of myself as a straight, heterosexual girl, I always had crushes on boys, imagined myself going on dates, getting married to them and having kids. How this all started is when I started to think about if I am acting like a lesbian. So the thing is that I am a very anxious person, and I overthink a lot. I have a very hard time making friends, this year, I decided to get closer to one of the girls in our class (as friends) because I didn’t have any friends and I genuinely just wanted to have someone who I can talk to and not feel alone. So now we are best friends and I really enjoy her company, she has always been there for me. Problem is that a few months ago, we were playing truth or dare with our friend group and they asked her out of everyone here, who would you kiss, and I kind of wanted her to say my name, she didn’t and I didn’t think anything of it later, until now. I don’t know why I had that thought, I just thought that if she said my name, it would mean that we are really close friends, nothing else, but now, my brain keeps on thinking no you said that because you have sexual thoughts about her and it makes me so anxious and panicked. I am so scared. Also, because I am a huge overthinker, I keep on worrying about how I am going to lose her and just get distant because it has happened so many times and I just don’t want to keep on losing friends. But one day, I thought to myself why do I care so much if we talk everyday or not? Why do I keep on overthinking everything that I say or she says? Why does it affect me so much? And then it hit me, wait but what if I am lesbian/bi? And that thought has been killing me eversince. I have started to question everything about my past and my actions. There are 3 main things that make me think that I am not straight: 1. I used to watch lesbians making out and I used to get aroused by it but I never thought anything of it because I was so sure that I was straight. 2. When I was in grade 5, there was this girl who was in grade 9 and I really wanted to be her friend, she cared about me a lot and every day, I used to look forward to seeing her, I was kind of obsessed with her - again I didn’t think much of it but now I have started to think oh what if she was my crush and I never realized it until now? 3. The story I told you about my best friend and the truth or dare story. I honestly don’t know what to think anymore, I have had 4 panic attacks this past month just because of these thoughts, I can’t even study. When it all began, I used to feel so nauseous and lost my appetite. Also, before all of this, I never used to think about having sex with a woman, I found it disgusting but since I have had these thoughts, I have convinced myself that I am a lesbian and I will never enjoy or find the opposite sex attractive anymore. I spend all day on these thoughts and then I check pictures of attractive women to see if I actually find them attractive. I can’t deal with these thoughts anymore, the uncertainty is killing me. I have promised myself that if I find out that I am anything but straight, I will kill myself. I can’t tell anyone about these thoughts because they will think I am actually a lesbian or bi and I really don’t want them to. I have convinced myself that I am in denial and because the things that I said were also mentioned in a post that I saw on signs that you are a lesbian/bi, I think I am that. And I really don’t want to be, I cannot deal with my thoughts anymore, I can’t sleep anymore, I am constantly stressed and anxious about how I feel and then I worry that no you are in denial, just accept them but that even makes me more anxious! Please help, I beg you, I am going insane, I want to go back to the way I was.

[Paxiled]

It's no at all unusual at your age to start getting really insecure about sex.  And that leads to insecurity about sexuality.  Your hormones are flaring, you're changing from the girl you were to the woman you will be.  If you just let it all be, it's fun, and if you don't, it can drive you nuts for awhile.  So there's that.  But while you say you are supportive of LGBT, are you really?  If you're this upset that you might be gay or bi, it is a sign of something inside you that doesn't want to go there.  This is also common when you listen to stories of gay people who wanted anything but to be gay until they got older and accepted it.  Now, I have no idea if you're gay or bi or straight.  You're too young to have enough actual experience to know.  You won't know for sure until you become sexually active on a regular basis, whenever that happens with you, as that's when you'll learn if something suits you or not.  But while I can't know what your sexuality is going to be, I can see you have an anxiety problem.  Don't get hung up on this label HOCD.  Just look at this as you would any other phobia -- you're scared but have no reason to be.  What will be will be.  If you like guys, that's who you'll be.  If you like women, that's how you'll be.  If you like both, that's how you'll be.  Time will tell.  But you do need to address the panic.  That's an anxiety problem.  It might be time to talk to a therapist and find out why you overthink things, why you're panicking, as that's actually a problem whereas you fortunately live in a time when being gay isn't the huge social problem it was when I was young.  Peace.

[Theparanoidgirl]

Thank you so much for your reply and for taking time to read my message. I do support that community but I just cannot see myself in it, I just cannot! I have never questioned anything like this before, but this is really frustrating and just mentally exhausting. Thank you again.

[Theparanoidgirl]

Also, many people say that they knew their sexual orientation from childhood, and what I am currently worrying about is if the things I mentioned in my post are just signs that I am trying to ignore. I also worry about the future, what if I can’t be happy ever again because of these thoughts.

[Paxiled]

Again, for whatever reason you are having an anxiety problem and are feeling very insecure.  Trying to figure out your future happiness is, and I'm sure you know this, futile, as nobody knows what the future will hold.  Most likely, like everyone else, you will have some good times and some rotten times.  That's life.  Focus on your current problem, which is you are obsessing over something and it's making your life worse by doing so.  It doesn't matter where you see yourself, because you are who you are.  Fighting it will make you unhappy.  If you're gay you'll know it.  IF you're not, you'll know that too.  Most likely you already do.  I can only address the part of it where you're thoughts are getting out of hand and that's what happens when we suffer from anxiety.  It could be you just need an authoritative person like your doctor or a therapist to tell you what you're going through is perfectly normal and the problem will resolve itself.  The first time I had a sexual relationship it ended badly, and I thought I was turning gay.  This was a long time ago when being gay was not accepted at all, but I was assured I was doing normal things for a 17 year old and that fear went away and never came back.  Of course, I was not gay.  But now it's not such a societal horror to be gay, which is a very good thing.  That means however it turns out for you is fine.  Which means the only part of this that isn't fine is you making yourself miserable over it.  That you can face, and I hope you find a therapist who can help you so you can quickly move on.  Peace.

[Theparanoidgirl]

Also I should add that I can’t look at girls anymore, I instantly think oh is she attractive? Do I want to kiss her? And it makes everything worse. Before, I never had these thoughts, I just used to think omg she is so pretty / has a nice body, I want to be her. I don’t know who I am anymore, I can’t think straight, as soon as I do, I am like no you are in denial. Please help.