Hocd or am i in denial?

[Lulumia]

Hi! Okay well to start this off, I was actually diagnosed with GAD early this after going to the E.R, having a panic attack. And I have to say that after this little event I take everything going on my mInd out of context.

First I was a major hypochondriac, I was always on webmd reading articles and looking up symptoms. Even according to my age known of the symptoms were possible at all, I would go back and change my age to knowthat stuff was going to happen to me in the future. But before I went totally crazy, I found a therepist. She was very nice and understand and helped out a lot so my hypochondria eventually just went away. I still do worry but it's only for a minute or two.

Second I met this guyat my new school, he and use to go to school before. At that time I was like why don't I give him a chance and be nice to him this time(he is VERY clingy, to the point if I'm talking to another guy he would keep talking to me and keep turning my chair from the other). So we started talking talking and wish- he talked about the weirdest stuff, like he told me, that him and were once a part of each other, even talked about MY moms virginity(ewww) and so on. This little friendship with him only lasted three days and I texted him and told him to never talk to me again cuz you make uncomfortable. Well after that I started having crazy thoughts were I thought that he was gonna come back and never let me get away, I was so scared and gave away my cell phone just cuz he had my number, I was scared that he would listen in on my calls and track what I was doing an all. I even didn't use my laptop for a long time since it had a webcam. Fortunately I still had the therapist to go back to. And she did agree with me that this guy was not in the right state of mind and you never know what he could do. After listening to that I went in for more of a panic. But I told my therapist about it again and she assured me that if he ever bothers me again I can always go to the police. Well that took that worry away and now I don't care if I see him.

But the problem is now, like a month ago I was watching a music video on YouTube by a new girl group and I thought it was really good, and I was super jealous that they had the perfect bodies and was like I wish I could have a body like that someday. Not gonna lie I'm not really good looking in terms of anything, I have acne all over I'm over weight and lazy(I don't know what the creepy guy saw in me). So after the video was done I was reading a comment by a guy that said he could definitely jerk off to this, I was really disgusted to read that, I mean are they really that immature? After that I suddenly had a though and was like "what if I'm a lesbian?" and I started to freak out like crazy. Thinking I was one and what not. I read stuff online that said the being gay is very black and white. Some people said that it's continous. And people even said that hocd is not real. I'm freaking out I don't wNt this, up to now I never doubted if I was a lesbian at all I always new I was straight and now I don't what's what anymore. I did once have a lesbian dream but it just had the other girl naked and that's all. After I woke up, for a second I questioned what my sexuality was and I know I'm straight so I said straight. I never let that dream bother me at all. I was glad I could have some dream that could remember. I even had one lesbian friend and I didn't care if she was one or not. I use to support LGBT and now I don't know anymore, like in my heart I'm happy for those people but I don't want to be a lesbian. Never doubted my sexuality until now. And now I don't know what I am any more. I know deep down I am straight but my mind on the other with so many thoughts of telling that I am a lesbian is driving me of the wall. Like I have motive looking at girls more than guys now, I'm looking at their bodies more and then this voice in my head is like"is she pretty" "would you be with her" would you f*ck her" Nd all these thoughts make me uncomfortable. Like before any of this I had so many crushes on guys and one of them was about to ask me out but I had to move away. But all the homosexual thoughts started a month ago and won't go away. 1m 17 and I have never dated, more like I couldn't cuz of my parents, but that's gonna change cuz I'm starting college early. But now I'm scared of dating guys, I have these were I'm like what if I don't really like him or what if the sex is boring. And at times like this my mind tells me things like I'm gonna to be a lesbian no matter what, even if i don't like it I will like it  I have no say in my life only my mind does, sometimes it says that I Have to be with a women or my life would be ruined. I feel like my brain is controlling me. I want to point out and say I had the same thoughts when I was with creepy guy and thought stuff like I'm gonna be with no matter what, even if I dont like him I will etc. I don't want any of these thoughts! Please help!! I have these little scenarios in my head where I'm with the guy I like but then it's replaced by a women! I don't like it! Please help! Peope say to follow your guts and I don't know what to follow any more. I have stopped obsessing over this because I know it's thesame thing over and over again but still I don't like these thoughts. Please help. One more thing I want to point out is that when ever I try look up stuff on hocd my brain tells me "not to worry and that I'm not gay so calm down". And that helps but other times when I'm having a battle inside my brain telling my self that I'm not gay it keeps saying I am. I don't want to be! Please help! Oh and I have stopped going to my therapist because she changed her career. Anyone, please help! I feel like I'm going to explode one of these days or if not I cry to sleep everynight.

     Oh I forgot to add this I'm doubting everything, most importantly I'm even doubting my heart. I'm even doubting my childhood now. Just everything. This is on and off, like one minute i know im not gay but the next minute im freaking out over that maye i am or will be, if not now than in the future. Please i don't want that! Please help!

[JGF25]

I answered your PM...

[Lulumia]

Thank you for being so informative. You're answer has really helped me a lot. But now the thing is I have a new problem :/ a few days ago I remembered my mom telling me that before I was born a very respected and trustworthy priest told her that she was going to have a son, but it turned out to be me. A girl. Now I'm worried that what if I'm transgendered, and just like hocd in my post I'm dobting everything, from my childhood to my everydaylife. I admit I have this imagination where I'm amongst the guys but as a girl, like I'm the only girl for them. I mean I have way to many girl friends, but even with them not all of them are my close friends, only one. And I always wish to hang out with the guys too, like many other girls can do it so naturally. Although I prefer that I'm the only girl hanging out with a bunch of guys, cuz if there was a different girl I would feel competition and a make a fool of myself and the other girl would be loved and the center of attention. I love being a girl and everything but now I'm beginning to doubt that too.is this another OCD worry or am I kidding myself? Am I a transgender? I don't think I am but this thought in my head says I am or will be and I will accept it ( same hocd, creepy guy, hypochondria) bit I don't want to cuz I'm not but now I'm doubting everything in my life! Please help of you can. No matter what I'm doing this worry won't go away.

[JGF25]

Hi there and welcome to the forum.

First of all, let me say that HOCD is very, very common.  If you look through the posts on this forum alone you will see the many people that have the same thoughts as yourself.  Think about it...if you were truly gay do you think you would be fighting this thought tooth and nail?  No, you would not.  You would simply be gay and be okay with that.  But since you are not gay, you are fighting these thoughts and when you fight the thoughts, it just puts you into this viscious cycle.  So you really do have to find a way to give them no credit.  We all compare ourselves to other people.  I myself compare myself to women my age and I think the same things as you.  "Wow her body looks great...I want to look as good as her."  It is all very natural.  When the thought about "being with a girl" pops into your head you need to squish it right then and there.  Don't keep ruminating about it.  Don't start looking at more girls testing yourself.  Nothing good comes from these types of things as you have found out.  You have to say "whatever" and let it go.  

As an OCD sufferer since I was a teenager, I know how the irrational thought process works.  We have the thought until we can find closure on it and then of course something else comes along or even a previous thought comes back.  I had this thought as well.  My sister who has OCD also had this thought.  It is so very common.  

You know in your heart that you like guys and yes maybe creepy guy kind of sent you reeling but I promise you that when you get to the university, you will find many guys that you like.  As for your self-esteem...well that seems to be pretty low just based on how you describe yourself.  Remember we are born the way we are and we have to work with what we have.  You have acne...so clean your face three times a day and see a dermatologist.  You are overweight...then exercise and eat sensibly.  Sitting back and just letting these things that bother us go is not the solution.  Make a commitment to yourself to find a way to feel good to be you.  

Let me know if you need anything else.....