Is this OCD/HOCD???

[spoopernatural]

WARNING: this might be kinda long...and im certain i will begin to ramble. Please answer this seriously and be kind. If you are going to take this seriously it'd be best you read this all the way through.

I've had unreasonable thoughts before like being pregnant even though I've never even had sex and the most intimate I've ever gotten with a guy is a high five but even knowing these facts my mind makes up things to tell me "this is real! that feeling in your stomach? it's a baby. that bump? um...what? food? haha...no. you're pregnant." And I can't get rid of the thoughts as hard as I try. I've obsessed over the thoughts of being in love/falling in love with a family member and that scared the crap out of me and I hated every second of it, I've been scared of being/becoming schizophrenic, I have had intrusive sexual thoughts that I certainly did not appreciate one bit, I've thought that I was going to hell because of stupid things I did in which I didn't know any better because I was 5 but somehow that would make me go to hell, then i truly was afraid of hell and i watched everything i did just in case, and ive even thought i was a pedophile. But right now? Now I'm scared that I'm a lesbian. I don't want this and I never have and I'm so upset with myself. My mind keeps digging up "proof" that I am gay and I even start to believe it and I start to think "what if I just don't what to admit it" and I'm starting to go crazy.

From time to time all of these obsessive thoughts have driven me to self harm. I hate to say it but I have. I'm typing this like I'm laid back about it all but I've freaking self harmed over this bull**** and at some points I even wanted to die. In fact, I tried to hang myself about 1 month ago and never told anyone. I was so ready to do it too. I was sobbing but i wanted to die. This made me realize that maybe something really wasn't alright. So I started to search for answers. Then I saw "OCD" and these three letters relieved so much of the stress and fear that had been built up inside me. The thoughts even temporarily stopped. But of course, the came back to ruin my life again.

Sometimes these thoughts decide to **** off and i feel straight again and I'm happy, other times my mind goes "no you're gay!!! you have always been gay!!!! those feelings you've felt were never real and you were just trying to convince yourself!" Sure, I've had very few crushes (if you lived in my town you'd understand...they're all about sex and stuff and as much I'd like to do that some day I'm scared to do it now at 15 years old...) but I have always liked fictional MALE characters and MALE celebrities but my mind is telling me those weren't real. I remember not being able to choose which guy I thought was cutest and which one i loved the most.  I remember truly loving fictional guys as well. both celebrities AND fictional dudes. I remember being sad they weren't real and wishing I could date them.

I'd also like to say that want to be a writer. I love writing stories. Quite often, I write in the point of view of a girl, but only because it's easier to relate to a girl and it's easier to describe a girl's feelings towards a guy (I write romance from time to time) but now my mind goes  "you're a lesbian because the girl was there!!!!" And I hate it. I hate it so much. This is stupid and i know that should not be proof that I'm gay because I've always had crushes on men and all of a sudden this is happening. Sometimes I truly believe i always have been straight and still am and other times I start to believe these thoughts and that scares me.

I feel like I'm no longer in control of my thoughts and emotions. I just feel really numb now. I can't stop repeating "I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight" and I can't stop checking if this is still hocd or if it ever even was hocd. maybe I'm just gay and won't admit it. I don't want to be with a girl though and I never felt the need to be. That should be enough proof right?! Why is that not good enough? My mind just keeps going deeper and deeper into my memories to find things that are "proof" and it scares the s*** out of me.

Someone please just tell me what to do. How do I ask my doctor about this? How is OCD diagnosed? What should I do??? I'm a fifteen year old girl who feels like she is losing her mind.

[bringmejoy]

I can completely relate! Especially to the whole looking back through memories and thinking 'that must have been a sign' and I would always fall in love with the guys in the movies and wish i could meet them and we'd fall in love like a typical teenage girl would! Surely if i was gay I would have realised at the time? i feel better for a bit but then the OCD comes in and places so many 'what ifs' in my head and i go right back to where i started. You are not losing your mind, i feel like our ocd minds are just very powerful. The best thing to do it to try and give the thoughts no meaning. as soon as you do it feeds the ocd with more reasons to stay and it will just get worse. just say to those thoughts 'i dont give a **** even if you do and they will lose their power over you. try to go through ocd specialists if you can who do cognitive behavioural therapy, talk therapy wont help.

[Rywol]

This is hocd. Simply put, everything you've worried about has been some sort of ocd. I should know because I have ocd and specifically hocd. These thoughts you are having are mine exactly except I thought I was into guys instead of girls (im a guy). What I did (with the help of a psychologist) was that as soon as a gay thought came into my head I would immediately think of something else. It may sound too simple but that's really all you need, at least it's all I needed (and I suffered from it for a few years before getting help). It may be difficult to do at first, but I guarantee that if you stick with it it will become easy and it will really work. Good luck