I assume you're in therapy, as you say you've been diagnosed. Is that true? You're thinking yourself to a tizzy. Again, if you are gay or bi, as Mom says, so what? More fun, I guess. If you're not, fine too. But this wouldn't bother you if you didn't have a fear about being gay, and that fear is there because society has said for so long it's a bad thing. If you're not in therapy, you really really need to be. Meditation might be of help to you. Sex isn't the only thing in life, but it is pretty important. When we're young it takes up a large amount of our thinking. That's just life. So again, the problem isn't that you have these thoughts, it's that they bother you this much. Peace.
Like for a minute I will start to feel better and happy again and then my brain says “that’s right it’s because you like these things and have accepted them and know you want them” but then I start feeling terrible and panicked all over again and feel as if I could have a panic attack. It feels like my brain a true snd hat all of these intrusive thoughts are things that I want and I hate that. My mind says that the only way I will know is if I try and I hate that. It makes me feel a huge deal of anxiety. Something that I never felt with guys. It was so easy and natural being and feeling attracted to guys. It feels as if my brain is trying to convince me that this is who I am and it’s starting to feel all to real. Your sexuality just doesn’t change like that. I’ve known I have been straight for a very long time. You don’t just suddenly change at the age of 21. So please tell me now why it feels as if I could actually want these things. It really makes me want to rust into tears. I really cannot deal with all of this anymore. My heart feels so heavy all of the time I cannot take it. I have this constant nagging feeling in my chest that makes it feel like this is what I desire or want but all I feel is anxiety and I hate it. I want to feel like my normal self again. But my mind keeps making me feel like these things are what I want and all it does is cause tremendous heart ache. Please tell me this all is not real
First, you're really not describing OCD, you're describing a phobia about being gay. I say this all the time. My fear is that people look on Google and see this HOCD thing, but know that there are tons of diagnoses drug companies and docs use for different reasons but when you use them on yourself, you can define yourself by it. Why this is important is because therapy for OCD is quite different than therapy for a phobia. You also describe feeling scared all the time, which if it's about things other than this phobia about being gay and is about lots of things, that's called GAD, but again, not OCD. Okay, others on here will disagree with me on this but it happens on this site all the time and because it affects how you see yourself and what type of therapy would work best, I bring it up. So no, it's not "just" OCD, but it is anxiety. Every single person who has depression or anxiety only has it because of intrusive thoughts. If we weren't thinking anxious or depressed thoughts we wouldn't be anxious or depressed. That doesn't mean it's easy to stop doing it, because it's not. Nobody knows why some humans get this way. In therapy, you should be being taught relaxation techniques and tackling head on ways of changing the way you think. If all you're doing is talking and no pressure is being put on you to do anything, the therapy probably won't fix it. Okay, the fear of being gay is very common. Most of us get this feeling that we're gay at some point when we're young because sexual relationships are really hard and bring out insecurity, especially because they usually end really painfully. So we think what might be wrong with us, and the idea we might be gay can come up. That's one way it can arise. But the main reason we fear it and get so bothered by it is the generations now of repression of gay people have made it seem like an awful thing to be gay. Historically, this wasn't always true, but it has been for centuries and it's hard to break out of that way of thinking especially when the religious groups that developed this anti-gay bias are still with us. If you really are either gay or bisexual, so what? Doesn't really matter objectively, only matters judgmentally. If you're not gay, again, so what? It won't make your life perfect. We are what we are. You sound completely heterosexual, but there's nothing to rejoice in that, it just is. If you can stop feeling like being gay would be a horrible thing to be, you will demystify these thoughts and they'll stop being so problematic. Then it's just a question of who you want to have sex with, right? And again, that question seems to have been answered by your actions, which have been heterosexual. Heterosexual people can find members of the same sex to be attractive. The test is, do you want to have a romantic relationship with someone of the same sex? If you do and have, that's your answer. If you really don't and haven't, that's also your answer. Now, that's objective stuff, and mental illness isn't objective. It's how you're thinking. You have a big fat phobia and you need to see someone who knows how to treat phobias and help you get over it. Peace.
Also I’m really scared because now I feel like I’m overthinking anytime I thought a girl was really pretty. It feels like I only thought certain girls who all had similar features were prettier than others, but I never felt any attraction or anything but now my mind is making me feel like I did snd just didn’t realize it. But wouldn’t I have realized something like this years ago?? When I started feeling attraction to guys at a young age? I’m freaking out because I feel like I’m specializing all of my thoughts and picturing all of these sexual things now. My mind keeps telling me that I want these things and that I could actually picture them. But all I feel in the heavy feeling and great anxiety. I feel like I don’t feel repulsed by these thoughts anymore but I feel this terrible ache whenever I think of them that makes my want to cry. I get an extreme panic and terrible feeling. Similar to a feeling you get when you know you’ve don’t something wrong. Like when you get pulled over or get caught doing something wrong. Almost like a terrible guilty feeling but not guilt more like panic. And now my heart physically hurts. It feels like that was attraction now and I hate that. It makes my heart ache so much to the point where I could cry. Oh god I hate this. Someone please tell me that this is just my ocd. I’m so scared I might be bi and I don’t want that. Thinking about having to accept that makes my heart ache extremely. I’ve never felt sexually attracted to a women or attracted at all. So why is my brain making me feel like I am or have been before and just didn’t know it or something. It’s all starting to feel real again someone please tell me this is all just ocd