I am a student who is suffering ocd for past 4 years but after each episode , fist it started with my size of pens it lasted for a while then I moved on to religious thoughts then I moved on to being gay ocd , which crippled me for an year and I was fine for a year cause I went to a psychiatrist and took some medication for this, I have allways feared HIV cause my moms sister , who is like mom to me looked after me whole life , got married and badly he was HIv and infected her and she died miserably , my mother father who was very close to her , started treating her soo badly in front my eyes and she died within 3 years after infection , idk why.people say that they did black magic to her. so I have my fear roots , recently a month back from pickng up my stuff from toilet bowl , triggered my hiv ocd, whileiam on MDMA and and itruglled for a month then I realized I shared snorting gear 2 months back , is very low to negligible hiv risk, I couldn't stop myself from HIV testing and I went and tested then I found out iam negative , then I obbsesedfor a while about nurse injected me with HIv ,which I got over as I fighte it as irrational thought and with all this going on I defended my thesis yesterday and graduated I don't feel happy a bit. I freaking finished my masters ,before the day of my mters my friend cut his finger in my room accidentaly and I don't touch is blood and I hardly used anything in my room and the next day after that I went to a doctor for asking about touching the door knob ,which he touched with my hand and touching my pimple ,that day the receptionist gave a phone to doctor and after cming back from clinic I got a thought that the receptionist pricked me with hiv needle and iam checking for the needle marks I don't find any I found a smallbumpon my finger , but I convienced myself that I wasn't blleding its not a needle prick, then the same night while aim working on my thesis , I cut my finger and realized and started hink that this blleding thing is what the receptionist picked me , lately after this day I started obsessing that the wound ,which I got reached to my friends blood and he is been my friend for 2 years , I know that he isn't HIv but my mind says that iam HIv some how through the receptionist pricking me or my friends blood , as I graduated iam free to go back to my home country or stay here , what do you suggest with this crippling ocd depression I cant face my mom and I cant say her anything , over here iam unable to get help as the language of this country is different and expenisve , idk what to do , where to start , I have been a drug user like MDMA LSD weed but not nedles , which I have stopped allafter the triggering of HIV ocd , I don't even drink alcohol , I cry everyday , trying to calm my self with clonazepam , should I go back home and tell my mom ? and stress her out , my sistr is pregnant now I ont want to stress her out now and if I go back iam scared that if iam hiv , I ill infect my family , iam in no shape to face my family and friends back hme as ia severly depressed with dark circles and lost lot of weight with anxiety , where should I start howtodeal with , I don't have any other place to share this kindly , help me to decide , I know it is very huge question with lot of spelling mistakes as iam very anxious now please guide me ,