hocd - help!

[vonnyot]

Have been happily married for 16 years with 3 kids.  Love them to death and have been very happy.  Seem to have gone into some kind of a depression about 6 weeks ago where all of a sudden I started to tell myself that my true happiness (ie my marriage and family) are too hard to pursue, that I don't deserve to be happy, and it would be easier if I turned into a lesbian and had an affair.  Entertained the fantasy somewhat obsessively, even though it made me deeply distressed.  Need to neutralize thoughts by looking at a photo of my husband and I, and I feel safer when I am at home, but when I am out in public can't make eye contact with women for fear of triggering sexual thoughts. Am trying to give up the thoughts but it feels like giving up an addiction and it is very painful.  Have never had these urges before, but had an eating disorder in my youth (obsessive/perfectionistic tendencies).  Am at the stage where I need to keep looking at photos, and I feel like I can't stay with him, even though being with a woman holds little true appeal and is not who I really am.  Feel suicidal and like I am falling apart, and like I will never be happy with my hubby again.  Mindfulness and meditation is helping somewhat.  I know I don't actually want to act on the thought of being with a woman, and I really think I would rather be dead, but it is like this fantasy world that I stepped into a bit, and am deeply regretting as it has mucked up my life and my whole sense of self.  Starting to lose hope.  ERP just makes the feeling of wanting to leave stronger.  I feel like I need to be on my guard all the time, and I am super tense and just exhausted from the sense of fighting all the time.  I am so afraid that if I let down my guard I will end up telling my husband that I don't want to be married any more, and that would be just stupid.  
In my mind, I feel like I have already had the affair as I have been unfaithful in my heart.  I feel deeply ashamed and disappointed in myself.
What do you think, guys? HOCD or some kind of selfish mid life crisis?
PS My dear husband has been my only partner, I have never even kissed anyone else and I am happy for that as I waited for something really special.  I don't look at porn (bleegh!), and it is not so much the lust, as the intrusive thought that it would be easier if I left my life of sensibleness and responsibility, and just did something crazy.  I am trying to fill my mind with thoughts of hubby and our happy times, but I feel really miserable.
So disappointed in myself.

[JGF25]

Your background, (obsessive/perfectionistic tendencies), even though it has been in your past is very telling.  It says that you have an underlying mental disorder (not mental in a bad way).  Personally I think we learn to live with our mental disorders in a variety of ways.  Sometimes we can learn coping strategies on our own and they work great and sometimes it all becomes too much and those strategies don't work any longer.  What I find is that when my stress level increases, my OCD increases.  So can I ask if anything, other than this distressing thought, has crept up in your life that would make you stressful right now?  

The above poster is right.  You are not gay or bisexual.  If you truly were, you would have realized it a long, long time ago.  So honestly I would chalk this up to an episode of irrational thinking and find a psychologist who can help you through it.  You are tired therefore you are depressed and blurting it out to your husband isn't going to fix anything.  You want to do that because you believe it will take the thought away and give you some sort of closure or reassurance.  But the fact is, that is not the way to get rid of the thought.  So if you can, please seek out the help of a psychologist.  You can and will get past this.  

[hopefulforfuture]

Dear friend ,
first promise me you will update us on this after your treatment  .  Generally acute problems whatever they are are easier to treat than chronic problems ..
Reading your case ... and having moderate OCDs myself i can tell you  ...
Its not u the issue but the "OCD "  ... Since u previously didnt have same sex feelings unlikely its a bisexuality  ....
If its OCD a short course of SSRI(by a psychiatrist ) and some counselling will give a lot of relief  . Generally fighting OCD is difficult by yourself ...
So as early see a psychiatrist  .. YOU will get relief