Aa
My Worst Fear
Just wanted to share my domineering obsession tonight. I believe writing it out might help me. I have suffered for a long time with depression, violent/sexual OCD thoughts, OCD cleanliness issues and pathological doubt. But the idea that gnaws at me the worst is that I could be responsible for a hit-and-run car accident.
It started a year ago, after I watched a movie called "The Machinist" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Machinist) starring Christian Bale. The psychological "twist" of the movie -**SPOILER ALERT**- is that Christian Bale ran over a young child with his car and fled the scene. Because of his guilt, he has blocked the accident out of his memory, and the plot revolves around him eventually piecing the evidence together and realizing the awful truth.
I cannot tell you how badly I wish I had never seen this movie. Immediately after watching I began to question my own driving history, which thank goodness has never included an accident (I have only scraped a couple cars against a fence, tapped a bumper while parking, etc.) But how could I be SURE that I had never hit a pedestrian??
In my mind, I am a cautious and alert driver. But I began doubting my own memory and self-confidence. I began ruminating on every late-night drive I'd ever taken, every twisty rural road, any time I had been momentarily lost or panicked behind the wheel.
One particular evening from two years ago bubbled up in my memory. I was at an apartment-warming party in NJ, and over the course of the night I had approximately four beers over about 3 hours. At the time I drove home by myself, I did not feel affected at all. (Disclaimer- This is not a common habit for me, as I am not a heavy drinker. I have done the BAC charts and I am fairly sure that I have never been behind the wheel while over the limit) But of course after watching the movie I began to warp this one memory into a disastrous hit-and-run scenario. Oh my god, am I a drunk driver? Could I have blacked out behind the wheel? I remember getting turned around trying to get on the highway, what if I hit someone in a panic to get home and didn't stop to check?
At the time, I was certain I got home safe that night, and it never crossed my mind again until a year later, watching this film. Now I try so hard to remember every detail of the trip, so I can be absolutely sure nothing bad happened. I have zero memory of hitting anyone. There is no evidence of an accident. There is no damage on my car. And I have spent hours searching the internet for news stories related to any possible accidents in the area on that date- of course there are none. I even remember texting my friend from my house telling him I arrived home safely. And rationally I know I would never drive anywhere without being absolutely sure of my ability and motor function. However, my OCD has convinced me that I hit someone or caused an accident and I am now blocking it out of my memory like the Christian Bale character.
I pray every day that this is not true and that I will not be punished or sent to hell for this. I spend hours replaying that night (and other nights too) in my mind to make certain I have no memory of hitting anyone. Of course, this is impossible because that party was two years ago and I only watched the movie one year ago. How could I possibly remember the whole trip in detail? Too much time has passed. Several times I have been close to calling the town police station to make sure nothing bad happened. I regularly watch youtube videos on loop of people getting hit by cars so that I can tell myself "I would know and remember if I hit someone. "
I have a lot of guilt issues from being one of four kids in a strict catholic household, and I think that's what drives this obsession, the fact that I know drinking and driving is so wrong. I feel guilty that this would be setting a bad example for my siblings and letting down my parents if god forbid I was ever in a drunk driving crash. Again, I don't think I was intoxicated...but once again how can I be SURE???
I am 99.9% sure that I have never killed anyone while driving. But that .1% of uncertainty is making me lose my sanity. I have been able to overcome some other OCD thoughts because they are just so ludicrous...but this one seems so real to me. And even on my better days I get depressed because I know one day when I conquer this one, another fear will just take its place.
Thanks for reading.
It started a year ago, after I watched a movie called "The Machinist" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Machinist) starring Christian Bale. The psychological "twist" of the movie -**SPOILER ALERT**- is that Christian Bale ran over a young child with his car and fled the scene. Because of his guilt, he has blocked the accident out of his memory, and the plot revolves around him eventually piecing the evidence together and realizing the awful truth.
I cannot tell you how badly I wish I had never seen this movie. Immediately after watching I began to question my own driving history, which thank goodness has never included an accident (I have only scraped a couple cars against a fence, tapped a bumper while parking, etc.) But how could I be SURE that I had never hit a pedestrian??
In my mind, I am a cautious and alert driver. But I began doubting my own memory and self-confidence. I began ruminating on every late-night drive I'd ever taken, every twisty rural road, any time I had been momentarily lost or panicked behind the wheel.
One particular evening from two years ago bubbled up in my memory. I was at an apartment-warming party in NJ, and over the course of the night I had approximately four beers over about 3 hours. At the time I drove home by myself, I did not feel affected at all. (Disclaimer- This is not a common habit for me, as I am not a heavy drinker. I have done the BAC charts and I am fairly sure that I have never been behind the wheel while over the limit) But of course after watching the movie I began to warp this one memory into a disastrous hit-and-run scenario. Oh my god, am I a drunk driver? Could I have blacked out behind the wheel? I remember getting turned around trying to get on the highway, what if I hit someone in a panic to get home and didn't stop to check?
At the time, I was certain I got home safe that night, and it never crossed my mind again until a year later, watching this film. Now I try so hard to remember every detail of the trip, so I can be absolutely sure nothing bad happened. I have zero memory of hitting anyone. There is no evidence of an accident. There is no damage on my car. And I have spent hours searching the internet for news stories related to any possible accidents in the area on that date- of course there are none. I even remember texting my friend from my house telling him I arrived home safely. And rationally I know I would never drive anywhere without being absolutely sure of my ability and motor function. However, my OCD has convinced me that I hit someone or caused an accident and I am now blocking it out of my memory like the Christian Bale character.
I pray every day that this is not true and that I will not be punished or sent to hell for this. I spend hours replaying that night (and other nights too) in my mind to make certain I have no memory of hitting anyone. Of course, this is impossible because that party was two years ago and I only watched the movie one year ago. How could I possibly remember the whole trip in detail? Too much time has passed. Several times I have been close to calling the town police station to make sure nothing bad happened. I regularly watch youtube videos on loop of people getting hit by cars so that I can tell myself "I would know and remember if I hit someone. "
I have a lot of guilt issues from being one of four kids in a strict catholic household, and I think that's what drives this obsession, the fact that I know drinking and driving is so wrong. I feel guilty that this would be setting a bad example for my siblings and letting down my parents if god forbid I was ever in a drunk driving crash. Again, I don't think I was intoxicated...but once again how can I be SURE???
I am 99.9% sure that I have never killed anyone while driving. But that .1% of uncertainty is making me lose my sanity. I have been able to overcome some other OCD thoughts because they are just so ludicrous...but this one seems so real to me. And even on my better days I get depressed because I know one day when I conquer this one, another fear will just take its place.
Thanks for reading.
Though I rarely have the driving phobia (except I occasionally wonder if I hit a small animal when I feel a bump), I can relate to the lack of certainty and fear that I've done something bad/dangerous. And I feel so crazy.
My OCD takes really nutty forms.. I fear chemicals that are known carcinogens...particularly termite pesticide. (It started when I heard about the dangers years ago, and my aunt had her house treated. Then she died a few years later of cancer.) So my fears aren't related to dirt..but to things that might cause cancer. And my OCD is so bad, I start thinking "maybe I got some of those chemicals in a pest control truck on me or brought them in the house or put them in my purse ..and I just can't remember it". Or I invent the image of me getting this stuff on me in my head. It's totally nuts, but it makes me afraid of so many things in my apartment (like my shoes, purse, computer case,etc) that might have gotten contaminated. I wish medication was a significant help for me, but it isn't -- and I've tried all the commonly used meds. I'm beginning to think i"m a hopeless case or need brain surgery or something. I just feel like giving up. Thanks for listening.
My OCD takes really nutty forms.. I fear chemicals that are known carcinogens...particularly termite pesticide. (It started when I heard about the dangers years ago, and my aunt had her house treated. Then she died a few years later of cancer.) So my fears aren't related to dirt..but to things that might cause cancer. And my OCD is so bad, I start thinking "maybe I got some of those chemicals in a pest control truck on me or brought them in the house or put them in my purse ..and I just can't remember it". Or I invent the image of me getting this stuff on me in my head. It's totally nuts, but it makes me afraid of so many things in my apartment (like my shoes, purse, computer case,etc) that might have gotten contaminated. I wish medication was a significant help for me, but it isn't -- and I've tried all the commonly used meds. I'm beginning to think i"m a hopeless case or need brain surgery or something. I just feel like giving up. Thanks for listening.
i realize that this is an old post but i'm struggling with a very similar thought/problem and i'm hoping you all can help.
so this thought has been bothering me on and off for almost a year (maybe more now). i live in Islamabad, Pakistan and i was driving back from work one day when i noticed 3-4 young kids on their way to crossing the road. i remember looking at them and thinking they must've gotten an early leave from school and they really shouldn't be out on the road like this unaccompanied by an adult or a school watchman!! there weren't too many cars on the road (i think there were just two...mine and another). i remember driving past these kids while one of them (apparently the youngest of the lot) was so excited he almost didn't see my car and stepped right in front of it. i remember one of his friends stopping and holding him back from doing so because he was aware of my car which was about to pass them.
now on and off...all i can wonder is that maybe i did hit that child and not notice! i've been through quite a few hit and run ocd message boards online but i just can't seem to shake this feeling. being in pakistan (where there is no concept of traffic cameras and such) i remember scanning the newspaper next day to check if there had been any such accident that day and there was no such report. i also did an online internet check of any reported incidents but none showed up but then my mind refuses to accept the online and newspaper check as an authentic source.
to make matters worse...i read some woman's account of hit and run ocd yesterday where she thought she hit someone on her way to the grocery store but she shrugged it off at first but then later felt like something had hit and flown past her side window. people on that forum were telling her that it was probably junk that flew by but somehow, her account got stuck in my mind and now even i've become paranoid and i'm thinking that maybe i also felt like something (like that child) had hit my car/ windscreen/ window but i for some reason blocked it out or ignored it!!!
i've been living with this thought for over a year...sometimes i forget it and other times it comes back big time. haven't been able to shake it off for 3 days now. any help/ support or guidance will be highly appreciated.
so this thought has been bothering me on and off for almost a year (maybe more now). i live in Islamabad, Pakistan and i was driving back from work one day when i noticed 3-4 young kids on their way to crossing the road. i remember looking at them and thinking they must've gotten an early leave from school and they really shouldn't be out on the road like this unaccompanied by an adult or a school watchman!! there weren't too many cars on the road (i think there were just two...mine and another). i remember driving past these kids while one of them (apparently the youngest of the lot) was so excited he almost didn't see my car and stepped right in front of it. i remember one of his friends stopping and holding him back from doing so because he was aware of my car which was about to pass them.
now on and off...all i can wonder is that maybe i did hit that child and not notice! i've been through quite a few hit and run ocd message boards online but i just can't seem to shake this feeling. being in pakistan (where there is no concept of traffic cameras and such) i remember scanning the newspaper next day to check if there had been any such accident that day and there was no such report. i also did an online internet check of any reported incidents but none showed up but then my mind refuses to accept the online and newspaper check as an authentic source.
to make matters worse...i read some woman's account of hit and run ocd yesterday where she thought she hit someone on her way to the grocery store but she shrugged it off at first but then later felt like something had hit and flown past her side window. people on that forum were telling her that it was probably junk that flew by but somehow, her account got stuck in my mind and now even i've become paranoid and i'm thinking that maybe i also felt like something (like that child) had hit my car/ windscreen/ window but i for some reason blocked it out or ignored it!!!
i've been living with this thought for over a year...sometimes i forget it and other times it comes back big time. haven't been able to shake it off for 3 days now. any help/ support or guidance will be highly appreciated.
You're welcome, I am really glad it helped! I know how hard it is to go through this, so I enjoy sharing with anyone anything that I can figure out with my own OCD/anxiety that helps. Hope you continue to feel better! And OCD really is a thief of everything.
I really like what you posted about stopping the what-ifs and enjoying the life we have in front of us. The last day or two I have tried to be much more mindful of this. Thank you.
OCD is truly a thief: of time, of energy and of life.
OCD is truly a thief: of time, of energy and of life.
Haha yeah, the anxious mind is quite a complex thing. It's almost extraordinary in a way, to try to master the mind, and figure out how it works, and why. I have had anxiety for so long, so I guess instead of always getting down about it, I try to figure out the way it is thinking, and why. Usually there is a root cause, to why we end up thinking the way we do, a trigger. For you it seems to be that movie, that set off a whirl wind of other anxious thoughts. Anxiety loves to take a thought, and turn it into a whole movie, playing it out completely in our heads. I guess it's just finding the reality in the movie in our head, that will make the thoughts stop.
You are absolutely reading my mind with some of the "what if i hid the body" thoughts. Sometimes I almost have to laugh at what my mind comes up with.
Sorry my spelling is off a lot, it's late ha.
Also, vaporizing marijuana cures me of a lot of these aliments. It usually takes away the 1% thought. I am not trying to convince you of this, because it is not a cure. I just wanted to suggest it, as when I use marijuana alone, it helps me to really focus, and process what is going on in my head, with out worrying. Therefore, helping me to find more answers for myself. I usually write down what I am thinking while doing this. Just another option!
Also, vaporizing marijuana cures me of a lot of these aliments. It usually takes away the 1% thought. I am not trying to convince you of this, because it is not a cure. I just wanted to suggest it, as when I use marijuana alone, it helps me to really focus, and process what is going on in my head, with out worrying. Therefore, helping me to find more answers for myself. I usually write down what I am thinking while doing this. Just another option!
Hey-I also have similar OCD thoughts. I completely understand the whole 1% thing. I am like that with random things around the house--for instance, when I use the stove, I literally could go back to it 100 times and still not be 100% sure that I turned it off (I don't do this hah), but I end up going back more than once, and still will not be convinced as I walk away. I know how trapped you must feel and it's a terrible feeling. It makes you feel unsure of really anything that you do, therefore leaving you constantly questioning yourself. I have realized, as I saw someone else post above, that literally stopping the thought in your head works the best. Although it might be hard, it is possible. I was having a lot of disturbing thoughts, which were causing me to feel like a bad person. I decided I did not want to feel that way anymore, and realized that as soon as I has a thought like that, if I just tightened my muscles in my head, and stared straight, focusing on literally nothing, the thought wouldn't be there anymore. Then I would immediately direct my thoughts to something else going on in my life, or just a different subject. I have been doing this for awhile now, and it has really seemed to help me.
I found this great website as well--I think this guy has hit it dead on when it comes to OCD/Anxiety. I felt like what he was saying, was finally exactly what i was feeling: http://www.****.co.uk/anxiety_explained.html
On this forum, it talks about stopping the "what if's". I think this especially pertains to OCD, because that is all we do all day, is think "what if"? This is what it says on the website about that:
Stop the 'What ifs'
Today is a good day to stop the 'What if' thoughts.
What if I never get better?
What if it’s not anxiety, but a different mental problem?
What if my old self is lost forever?
What if there is something else wrong with me, brain tumour?
What if I can't breathe?
What if I have to live like this for the rest of my life?
What if it’s just me that feels like this?
What if I'll never be able to enjoy the things I used to?
Thoughts like this are a waste of time and they usually amount to nothing.
All they do is keep your anxiety alive. All this worrying puts a tremendous burden on your body. Recovery is not about resting the body as much as resting the mind. Thrashing it daily with worrying thoughts only increases your feelings of panic and anxiety. Since recovery, I have found that worrying is the single most useless emotion we have. It serves no purpose whatsoever and is only counter-productive.
The next time you have one of these ' What if ' thoughts, just let it go. It's just your habit to worry - understand this - realise it will serve you no purpose and just let it go.
*What really stuck with me about this text, was where he says "The What If's are what keep your anxiety (OCD as well) alive". So basically, our OCD feeds off of these 1% thoughts. So basically, we are feeding this demon called OCD daily, as it is never completely satisfied. The goal is to not feed the demon. As hard as it is, try to stop the 1%, and know that either way, it does not matter.
You logically that if you hit somebody, that you would have been arrested already. It's not like the body would have just disappeared. But then I know what you are might be thinking, "well what if I was so drunk that I hit them, got out and hid the body, and then left." Not possible--if you were that drunk you would have left some sort of evidence behind that it was you that killed whoever this person was. Either way, with OCD, no logic works. It's like if you go to the doctor thinking you are having a heart attack, and they tell you it's just anxiety, and that your heart is healthy and fine. You will still continue to worry about any small pain you have, and probably continually have it checked, never believing in logic. So if logic does not work, what does?...
Basically telling yourself it does not matter. Stopping all worry about the what if's, and realizing, in the long run, none of this matters. All of this worry is just wasting away the life that you have right in front of you. This OCD demon is sucking the life out of all of us, stealing precious days away from us. Free yourself. You have NOTHING to feel bad about. No sick though, obsessive 1% thinking, etc, could ever deem you to hell, or make you a bad person. Strict Catholic teaching will make anyone think they are going to hell. A lot of Christians will try to make you think if you do bad, then you go to hell. That is the most skewed, sick perception of Christianity I have ever seen in my life. God wants you to be free. Christ allows you to screw up as many time as needed in life, and will always forgive you. So don't worry about going to Hell. Just love...love God and love everything...that's Christianity...it's that simple! Don't let people fool, or shall I say scare you. My fiancee' has really helped me out of the contemporary Christians that scare you into thinking you are going to Hell--you are not. Free yourself of your OCD. I know it is easier said then done,but it's at least a start to know that you can free yourself. You won't be stuck thinking like this forever. I thought that I was, but I have seen different tactics for for me. Just pay very close attention to your mind...learn the art of it, how it works, how it thinks. Maybe even keep a journal of your thoughts. Try to pin point how you are thinking, and then test out different ways to change it.
Also and lastly--
Diet affects OCD. I believe all mental illnesses are just a lack of a certain nutrient, or chemical in our brain. Try eating more fruits,vegetables,meats,nuts,cottage cheese, greek yogurt, and things of that sort. Try to stay away from processed foods, sugars, and wheat/gluten. I find that wheat and gluten really make my thoughts a lot worse. You can also look into natural supplements that your body might be depleted in, such as Vitamin D, Vitamin B-12, Fish Oil, Serotonin, etc.
Sorry this is so long, just wanted to list anything that I could think of to help.
I found this great website as well--I think this guy has hit it dead on when it comes to OCD/Anxiety. I felt like what he was saying, was finally exactly what i was feeling: http://www.****.co.uk/anxiety_explained.html
On this forum, it talks about stopping the "what if's". I think this especially pertains to OCD, because that is all we do all day, is think "what if"? This is what it says on the website about that:
Stop the 'What ifs'
Today is a good day to stop the 'What if' thoughts.
What if I never get better?
What if it’s not anxiety, but a different mental problem?
What if my old self is lost forever?
What if there is something else wrong with me, brain tumour?
What if I can't breathe?
What if I have to live like this for the rest of my life?
What if it’s just me that feels like this?
What if I'll never be able to enjoy the things I used to?
Thoughts like this are a waste of time and they usually amount to nothing.
All they do is keep your anxiety alive. All this worrying puts a tremendous burden on your body. Recovery is not about resting the body as much as resting the mind. Thrashing it daily with worrying thoughts only increases your feelings of panic and anxiety. Since recovery, I have found that worrying is the single most useless emotion we have. It serves no purpose whatsoever and is only counter-productive.
The next time you have one of these ' What if ' thoughts, just let it go. It's just your habit to worry - understand this - realise it will serve you no purpose and just let it go.
*What really stuck with me about this text, was where he says "The What If's are what keep your anxiety (OCD as well) alive". So basically, our OCD feeds off of these 1% thoughts. So basically, we are feeding this demon called OCD daily, as it is never completely satisfied. The goal is to not feed the demon. As hard as it is, try to stop the 1%, and know that either way, it does not matter.
You logically that if you hit somebody, that you would have been arrested already. It's not like the body would have just disappeared. But then I know what you are might be thinking, "well what if I was so drunk that I hit them, got out and hid the body, and then left." Not possible--if you were that drunk you would have left some sort of evidence behind that it was you that killed whoever this person was. Either way, with OCD, no logic works. It's like if you go to the doctor thinking you are having a heart attack, and they tell you it's just anxiety, and that your heart is healthy and fine. You will still continue to worry about any small pain you have, and probably continually have it checked, never believing in logic. So if logic does not work, what does?...
Basically telling yourself it does not matter. Stopping all worry about the what if's, and realizing, in the long run, none of this matters. All of this worry is just wasting away the life that you have right in front of you. This OCD demon is sucking the life out of all of us, stealing precious days away from us. Free yourself. You have NOTHING to feel bad about. No sick though, obsessive 1% thinking, etc, could ever deem you to hell, or make you a bad person. Strict Catholic teaching will make anyone think they are going to hell. A lot of Christians will try to make you think if you do bad, then you go to hell. That is the most skewed, sick perception of Christianity I have ever seen in my life. God wants you to be free. Christ allows you to screw up as many time as needed in life, and will always forgive you. So don't worry about going to Hell. Just love...love God and love everything...that's Christianity...it's that simple! Don't let people fool, or shall I say scare you. My fiancee' has really helped me out of the contemporary Christians that scare you into thinking you are going to Hell--you are not. Free yourself of your OCD. I know it is easier said then done,but it's at least a start to know that you can free yourself. You won't be stuck thinking like this forever. I thought that I was, but I have seen different tactics for for me. Just pay very close attention to your mind...learn the art of it, how it works, how it thinks. Maybe even keep a journal of your thoughts. Try to pin point how you are thinking, and then test out different ways to change it.
Also and lastly--
Diet affects OCD. I believe all mental illnesses are just a lack of a certain nutrient, or chemical in our brain. Try eating more fruits,vegetables,meats,nuts,cottage cheese, greek yogurt, and things of that sort. Try to stay away from processed foods, sugars, and wheat/gluten. I find that wheat and gluten really make my thoughts a lot worse. You can also look into natural supplements that your body might be depleted in, such as Vitamin D, Vitamin B-12, Fish Oil, Serotonin, etc.
Sorry this is so long, just wanted to list anything that I could think of to help.
Hey i have similar ocd thoughts about being a lesbian.
They have become so bad i feel like i have lost my attraction for guys.
I think you would know if you had hit someone, it would have been on the news, your car would have been retraced, and like everyone else said, you would have felt the impact of hitting someone, and your car would have damage.
Good luck, please answer mine.
They have become so bad i feel like i have lost my attraction for guys.
I think you would know if you had hit someone, it would have been on the news, your car would have been retraced, and like everyone else said, you would have felt the impact of hitting someone, and your car would have damage.
Good luck, please answer mine.
Hi Nathan...I'm, sorry you are still struggling and don't worry about posting...that is why we are here.
Your last paragraph "oh, this is just like when I worried about the stove burners, or being a child predator, or aids, or cancer, or would i become a serial killer. But for some reason the driving thing is much more vivid in my brain" speaks volumes.
The thought goes away when we find closure. You have found a way to get closure on these other thoughts but this one, for some reason, you cannot get closure. Have you tried imagery? Have you closed your eyes and imagined yourself driving home and hitting somebody? When you do this, imagine the person walking out in front of your car, you slamming on the brakes and swerving to miss the person, imagine the sound you would hear upon impact, the other cars around you, where you car would end up after the impact, and yourself pulling over to the side of the road.
Once you have done this, replay your real drive home. You will see that none of what you imagined as a real impact ever happened. No person, no swerve, no impact, nothing.
I'm not a doctor obviously but I used this type of "exposure therapy" successfully for some of the irrational thoughts you had prior to this one.
Let me know how it goes.
Your last paragraph "oh, this is just like when I worried about the stove burners, or being a child predator, or aids, or cancer, or would i become a serial killer. But for some reason the driving thing is much more vivid in my brain" speaks volumes.
The thought goes away when we find closure. You have found a way to get closure on these other thoughts but this one, for some reason, you cannot get closure. Have you tried imagery? Have you closed your eyes and imagined yourself driving home and hitting somebody? When you do this, imagine the person walking out in front of your car, you slamming on the brakes and swerving to miss the person, imagine the sound you would hear upon impact, the other cars around you, where you car would end up after the impact, and yourself pulling over to the side of the road.
Once you have done this, replay your real drive home. You will see that none of what you imagined as a real impact ever happened. No person, no swerve, no impact, nothing.
I'm not a doctor obviously but I used this type of "exposure therapy" successfully for some of the irrational thoughts you had prior to this one.
Let me know how it goes.
What I am taking from your post is that you feel guilt, and the guilt makes it feel real. Irrational feelings of guilt are a part of OCD. You feel guilt, so you try to attribute it to something. I've had that so much. All I can do for now is offer you some reassurance that you have no logical reason to feel fully, and that I'm here to listen.
I guarantee you haven't hit anyone.
I guarantee you haven't hit anyone.
Sorry guys, wish I could stop with this...but here I am again, googling and obsessing. For whatever reason, I just can't drop this.
If my thought is so irrational and unimportant, than why does it keep coming back to me so intensely?? I am trying to relabel and reattriubte the thoughts, I really am. But it's not working. I feel like I must've ran someone over, otherwise why would I have this guilt? I wish I could remember. I am sitting here thinking things like "I would pay a million dollars to watch a video of me driving to make sure I didn't kill anybody."
JGF, every time I try to use the red handle I feel like I am lying or denying to myself about "what really happened". Oh man I know this sounds crazy but I just cannot get a grip tonight.
Once again, deep down I feel like I am a capable and responsible person, and I would never knowingly flee an accident or drive if I was over the limit. But who really knows, maybe I am just lying to myself.
jhguy, was your hit-and-run OCD this bad? I am trying to tell myself, oh, this is just like when I worried about the stove burners, or being a child predator, or aids, or cancer, or would i become a serial killer. But for some reason the driving thing is much more vivid in my brain.
If my thought is so irrational and unimportant, than why does it keep coming back to me so intensely?? I am trying to relabel and reattriubte the thoughts, I really am. But it's not working. I feel like I must've ran someone over, otherwise why would I have this guilt? I wish I could remember. I am sitting here thinking things like "I would pay a million dollars to watch a video of me driving to make sure I didn't kill anybody."
JGF, every time I try to use the red handle I feel like I am lying or denying to myself about "what really happened". Oh man I know this sounds crazy but I just cannot get a grip tonight.
Once again, deep down I feel like I am a capable and responsible person, and I would never knowingly flee an accident or drive if I was over the limit. But who really knows, maybe I am just lying to myself.
jhguy, was your hit-and-run OCD this bad? I am trying to tell myself, oh, this is just like when I worried about the stove burners, or being a child predator, or aids, or cancer, or would i become a serial killer. But for some reason the driving thing is much more vivid in my brain.
I see myself in so many people on here who have described their obsessions and compulsions.
I'm reading both of your comments and I'm just seeing a mirror of myself. And even on medication, excess stress will still wake me up in the middle of the night with a pounding heart. I'm glad to see that both of you are feeling better. Take care!
Excellent childhood example of what was about to happen to your brain in adulthood. I have a couple memories like that, which in retrospect serve as warning signs of my impending OCD. I asked my mom when I was little--in a panic, mind you--if I could get HIV from a band-aid on the sidewalk. She said no, and asked where I had seen one. I said, "Well, nowhere, but I wanted to check."
My OCD is manageable with anxiety medicine. I've had three periods in my adult life, each lasting a month or two, where it was bad enough to make me feel depressed, upset with having the disorder, unable to sleep or eat well, etc. I would say its like anything else you live with for a lifetime: taking it one day at a time. Obviously such life management runs totally counter to OCD where you are able to imagine every catastrophic thing that could ruin your life, and you're constantly in this mode of preventing "fires" that could happen to your future. It's not easy to do, and I don't succeed at it all the time.
Stress makes my OCD 1,000,000x worse, yes.
How have you been doing the last few days?
My OCD is manageable with anxiety medicine. I've had three periods in my adult life, each lasting a month or two, where it was bad enough to make me feel depressed, upset with having the disorder, unable to sleep or eat well, etc. I would say its like anything else you live with for a lifetime: taking it one day at a time. Obviously such life management runs totally counter to OCD where you are able to imagine every catastrophic thing that could ruin your life, and you're constantly in this mode of preventing "fires" that could happen to your future. It's not easy to do, and I don't succeed at it all the time.
Stress makes my OCD 1,000,000x worse, yes.
How have you been doing the last few days?
jhguy,
I worry about many of the same things as you. That's good that you were diagnosed relatively young, though.
It's crazy because thinking back now, I can remember one Christmas eve being obsessed about whether or not I unplugged the Christmas tree lights. I mustve walked from my room to the living room about 100 times that night, just doubting every time that I really unplugged it. I was maybe 13 or 14 years old. That happened to be one isolated incident, but still...
I'm glad the lexapro is working for you. Would you say you're pretty much over it now? Or you at least have enough coping strategies to manage the day-to-day? Do you find that your OCD is aggravated by stress?
I worry about many of the same things as you. That's good that you were diagnosed relatively young, though.
It's crazy because thinking back now, I can remember one Christmas eve being obsessed about whether or not I unplugged the Christmas tree lights. I mustve walked from my room to the living room about 100 times that night, just doubting every time that I really unplugged it. I was maybe 13 or 14 years old. That happened to be one isolated incident, but still...
I'm glad the lexapro is working for you. Would you say you're pretty much over it now? Or you at least have enough coping strategies to manage the day-to-day? Do you find that your OCD is aggravated by stress?
I have had obsessions since I was 18. They have included the following: fear of HIV; of committing a hit-and-run; psychotic illness; making a catastrophic mistake; making something bad happen if I don't follow compulsions; and some other smaller ones. From onset at 18 for about six months, I had it very bad. Then, I managed it well until about two months ago. At onset when I was 18, I had some depersonalization symptoms, which have not returned. I take lexapro 10mg daily, and it really works.
Probably 4 hours total. I must admit, it was closer to 12 hours a day when I first started the medicine.
How long have you had obsessions for? What do you worry about?
How long have you had obsessions for? What do you worry about?
How much time would you say you spend per day worrying? For me, at the worst times, it probably takes up 12 hours of my day. I mean, I am still doing things usually, but it'll be in the back of my mind.
Thanks, I will try to be patient with the dosage, I understand that it can take a week or two to notice a change.
Trying your red handle trick and it seems effective.
Trying your red handle trick and it seems effective.
Hey jhguy,
It still dominates a lot of my worries but I am hoping this higher Paxil dose will help. Writing my thoughts down, either here or in a journal is also helpful, especially when others like you are nice enough to offer insight and advice.
It's like you said- "with OCD it is so difficult to tell the difference between legitimate concerns and irrational obsessions." That's what I get stuck on- the question that most OCDers seem to ask- "how do I know it isn't real?"
It still dominates a lot of my worries but I am hoping this higher Paxil dose will help. Writing my thoughts down, either here or in a journal is also helpful, especially when others like you are nice enough to offer insight and advice.
It's like you said- "with OCD it is so difficult to tell the difference between legitimate concerns and irrational obsessions." That's what I get stuck on- the question that most OCDers seem to ask- "how do I know it isn't real?"
"I don't know how people manage this on their own." Well to be honest with you I think those managing it on their own without benefit of meds and therapy are in the minority. Some people try like hell to do it but at a very high cost it seems. Others have been addicted to other medications and simply don't want to take a pill...I get that. But you better have a good therapist and see them often if that is the case.
I know that meds don't work for everybody, but my feeling is give it a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I hope the 40mg starts to make you feel better soon and don't give into those checking compulsions! Remember the red handle and stop yourself! You can do it! Take care Nathan.
I know that meds don't work for everybody, but my feeling is give it a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I hope the 40mg starts to make you feel better soon and don't give into those checking compulsions! Remember the red handle and stop yourself! You can do it! Take care Nathan.
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