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My Worst Fear
Just wanted to share my domineering obsession tonight. I believe writing it out might help me. I have suffered for a long time with depression, violent/sexual OCD thoughts, OCD cleanliness issues and pathological doubt. But the idea that gnaws at me the worst is that I could be responsible for a hit-and-run car accident.
It started a year ago, after I watched a movie called "The Machinist" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Machinist) starring Christian Bale. The psychological "twist" of the movie -**SPOILER ALERT**- is that Christian Bale ran over a young child with his car and fled the scene. Because of his guilt, he has blocked the accident out of his memory, and the plot revolves around him eventually piecing the evidence together and realizing the awful truth.
I cannot tell you how badly I wish I had never seen this movie. Immediately after watching I began to question my own driving history, which thank goodness has never included an accident (I have only scraped a couple cars against a fence, tapped a bumper while parking, etc.) But how could I be SURE that I had never hit a pedestrian??
In my mind, I am a cautious and alert driver. But I began doubting my own memory and self-confidence. I began ruminating on every late-night drive I'd ever taken, every twisty rural road, any time I had been momentarily lost or panicked behind the wheel.
One particular evening from two years ago bubbled up in my memory. I was at an apartment-warming party in NJ, and over the course of the night I had approximately four beers over about 3 hours. At the time I drove home by myself, I did not feel affected at all. (Disclaimer- This is not a common habit for me, as I am not a heavy drinker. I have done the BAC charts and I am fairly sure that I have never been behind the wheel while over the limit) But of course after watching the movie I began to warp this one memory into a disastrous hit-and-run scenario. Oh my god, am I a drunk driver? Could I have blacked out behind the wheel? I remember getting turned around trying to get on the highway, what if I hit someone in a panic to get home and didn't stop to check?
At the time, I was certain I got home safe that night, and it never crossed my mind again until a year later, watching this film. Now I try so hard to remember every detail of the trip, so I can be absolutely sure nothing bad happened. I have zero memory of hitting anyone. There is no evidence of an accident. There is no damage on my car. And I have spent hours searching the internet for news stories related to any possible accidents in the area on that date- of course there are none. I even remember texting my friend from my house telling him I arrived home safely. And rationally I know I would never drive anywhere without being absolutely sure of my ability and motor function. However, my OCD has convinced me that I hit someone or caused an accident and I am now blocking it out of my memory like the Christian Bale character.
I pray every day that this is not true and that I will not be punished or sent to hell for this. I spend hours replaying that night (and other nights too) in my mind to make certain I have no memory of hitting anyone. Of course, this is impossible because that party was two years ago and I only watched the movie one year ago. How could I possibly remember the whole trip in detail? Too much time has passed. Several times I have been close to calling the town police station to make sure nothing bad happened. I regularly watch youtube videos on loop of people getting hit by cars so that I can tell myself "I would know and remember if I hit someone. "
I have a lot of guilt issues from being one of four kids in a strict catholic household, and I think that's what drives this obsession, the fact that I know drinking and driving is so wrong. I feel guilty that this would be setting a bad example for my siblings and letting down my parents if god forbid I was ever in a drunk driving crash. Again, I don't think I was intoxicated...but once again how can I be SURE???
I am 99.9% sure that I have never killed anyone while driving. But that .1% of uncertainty is making me lose my sanity. I have been able to overcome some other OCD thoughts because they are just so ludicrous...but this one seems so real to me. And even on my better days I get depressed because I know one day when I conquer this one, another fear will just take its place.
Thanks for reading.
It started a year ago, after I watched a movie called "The Machinist" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Machinist) starring Christian Bale. The psychological "twist" of the movie -**SPOILER ALERT**- is that Christian Bale ran over a young child with his car and fled the scene. Because of his guilt, he has blocked the accident out of his memory, and the plot revolves around him eventually piecing the evidence together and realizing the awful truth.
I cannot tell you how badly I wish I had never seen this movie. Immediately after watching I began to question my own driving history, which thank goodness has never included an accident (I have only scraped a couple cars against a fence, tapped a bumper while parking, etc.) But how could I be SURE that I had never hit a pedestrian??
In my mind, I am a cautious and alert driver. But I began doubting my own memory and self-confidence. I began ruminating on every late-night drive I'd ever taken, every twisty rural road, any time I had been momentarily lost or panicked behind the wheel.
One particular evening from two years ago bubbled up in my memory. I was at an apartment-warming party in NJ, and over the course of the night I had approximately four beers over about 3 hours. At the time I drove home by myself, I did not feel affected at all. (Disclaimer- This is not a common habit for me, as I am not a heavy drinker. I have done the BAC charts and I am fairly sure that I have never been behind the wheel while over the limit) But of course after watching the movie I began to warp this one memory into a disastrous hit-and-run scenario. Oh my god, am I a drunk driver? Could I have blacked out behind the wheel? I remember getting turned around trying to get on the highway, what if I hit someone in a panic to get home and didn't stop to check?
At the time, I was certain I got home safe that night, and it never crossed my mind again until a year later, watching this film. Now I try so hard to remember every detail of the trip, so I can be absolutely sure nothing bad happened. I have zero memory of hitting anyone. There is no evidence of an accident. There is no damage on my car. And I have spent hours searching the internet for news stories related to any possible accidents in the area on that date- of course there are none. I even remember texting my friend from my house telling him I arrived home safely. And rationally I know I would never drive anywhere without being absolutely sure of my ability and motor function. However, my OCD has convinced me that I hit someone or caused an accident and I am now blocking it out of my memory like the Christian Bale character.
I pray every day that this is not true and that I will not be punished or sent to hell for this. I spend hours replaying that night (and other nights too) in my mind to make certain I have no memory of hitting anyone. Of course, this is impossible because that party was two years ago and I only watched the movie one year ago. How could I possibly remember the whole trip in detail? Too much time has passed. Several times I have been close to calling the town police station to make sure nothing bad happened. I regularly watch youtube videos on loop of people getting hit by cars so that I can tell myself "I would know and remember if I hit someone. "
I have a lot of guilt issues from being one of four kids in a strict catholic household, and I think that's what drives this obsession, the fact that I know drinking and driving is so wrong. I feel guilty that this would be setting a bad example for my siblings and letting down my parents if god forbid I was ever in a drunk driving crash. Again, I don't think I was intoxicated...but once again how can I be SURE???
I am 99.9% sure that I have never killed anyone while driving. But that .1% of uncertainty is making me lose my sanity. I have been able to overcome some other OCD thoughts because they are just so ludicrous...but this one seems so real to me. And even on my better days I get depressed because I know one day when I conquer this one, another fear will just take its place.
Thanks for reading.
Sorry my spelling is off a lot, it's late ha.
Also, vaporizing marijuana cures me of a lot of these aliments. It usually takes away the 1% thought. I am not trying to convince you of this, because it is not a cure. I just wanted to suggest it, as when I use marijuana alone, it helps me to really focus, and process what is going on in my head, with out worrying. Therefore, helping me to find more answers for myself. I usually write down what I am thinking while doing this. Just another option!
Also, vaporizing marijuana cures me of a lot of these aliments. It usually takes away the 1% thought. I am not trying to convince you of this, because it is not a cure. I just wanted to suggest it, as when I use marijuana alone, it helps me to really focus, and process what is going on in my head, with out worrying. Therefore, helping me to find more answers for myself. I usually write down what I am thinking while doing this. Just another option!
Hey-I also have similar OCD thoughts. I completely understand the whole 1% thing. I am like that with random things around the house--for instance, when I use the stove, I literally could go back to it 100 times and still not be 100% sure that I turned it off (I don't do this hah), but I end up going back more than once, and still will not be convinced as I walk away. I know how trapped you must feel and it's a terrible feeling. It makes you feel unsure of really anything that you do, therefore leaving you constantly questioning yourself. I have realized, as I saw someone else post above, that literally stopping the thought in your head works the best. Although it might be hard, it is possible. I was having a lot of disturbing thoughts, which were causing me to feel like a bad person. I decided I did not want to feel that way anymore, and realized that as soon as I has a thought like that, if I just tightened my muscles in my head, and stared straight, focusing on literally nothing, the thought wouldn't be there anymore. Then I would immediately direct my thoughts to something else going on in my life, or just a different subject. I have been doing this for awhile now, and it has really seemed to help me.
I found this great website as well--I think this guy has hit it dead on when it comes to OCD/Anxiety. I felt like what he was saying, was finally exactly what i was feeling: http://www.****.co.uk/anxiety_explained.html
On this forum, it talks about stopping the "what if's". I think this especially pertains to OCD, because that is all we do all day, is think "what if"? This is what it says on the website about that:
Stop the 'What ifs'
Today is a good day to stop the 'What if' thoughts.
What if I never get better?
What if it’s not anxiety, but a different mental problem?
What if my old self is lost forever?
What if there is something else wrong with me, brain tumour?
What if I can't breathe?
What if I have to live like this for the rest of my life?
What if it’s just me that feels like this?
What if I'll never be able to enjoy the things I used to?
Thoughts like this are a waste of time and they usually amount to nothing.
All they do is keep your anxiety alive. All this worrying puts a tremendous burden on your body. Recovery is not about resting the body as much as resting the mind. Thrashing it daily with worrying thoughts only increases your feelings of panic and anxiety. Since recovery, I have found that worrying is the single most useless emotion we have. It serves no purpose whatsoever and is only counter-productive.
The next time you have one of these ' What if ' thoughts, just let it go. It's just your habit to worry - understand this - realise it will serve you no purpose and just let it go.
*What really stuck with me about this text, was where he says "The What If's are what keep your anxiety (OCD as well) alive". So basically, our OCD feeds off of these 1% thoughts. So basically, we are feeding this demon called OCD daily, as it is never completely satisfied. The goal is to not feed the demon. As hard as it is, try to stop the 1%, and know that either way, it does not matter.
You logically that if you hit somebody, that you would have been arrested already. It's not like the body would have just disappeared. But then I know what you are might be thinking, "well what if I was so drunk that I hit them, got out and hid the body, and then left." Not possible--if you were that drunk you would have left some sort of evidence behind that it was you that killed whoever this person was. Either way, with OCD, no logic works. It's like if you go to the doctor thinking you are having a heart attack, and they tell you it's just anxiety, and that your heart is healthy and fine. You will still continue to worry about any small pain you have, and probably continually have it checked, never believing in logic. So if logic does not work, what does?...
Basically telling yourself it does not matter. Stopping all worry about the what if's, and realizing, in the long run, none of this matters. All of this worry is just wasting away the life that you have right in front of you. This OCD demon is sucking the life out of all of us, stealing precious days away from us. Free yourself. You have NOTHING to feel bad about. No sick though, obsessive 1% thinking, etc, could ever deem you to hell, or make you a bad person. Strict Catholic teaching will make anyone think they are going to hell. A lot of Christians will try to make you think if you do bad, then you go to hell. That is the most skewed, sick perception of Christianity I have ever seen in my life. God wants you to be free. Christ allows you to screw up as many time as needed in life, and will always forgive you. So don't worry about going to Hell. Just love...love God and love everything...that's Christianity...it's that simple! Don't let people fool, or shall I say scare you. My fiancee' has really helped me out of the contemporary Christians that scare you into thinking you are going to Hell--you are not. Free yourself of your OCD. I know it is easier said then done,but it's at least a start to know that you can free yourself. You won't be stuck thinking like this forever. I thought that I was, but I have seen different tactics for for me. Just pay very close attention to your mind...learn the art of it, how it works, how it thinks. Maybe even keep a journal of your thoughts. Try to pin point how you are thinking, and then test out different ways to change it.
Also and lastly--
Diet affects OCD. I believe all mental illnesses are just a lack of a certain nutrient, or chemical in our brain. Try eating more fruits,vegetables,meats,nuts,cottage cheese, greek yogurt, and things of that sort. Try to stay away from processed foods, sugars, and wheat/gluten. I find that wheat and gluten really make my thoughts a lot worse. You can also look into natural supplements that your body might be depleted in, such as Vitamin D, Vitamin B-12, Fish Oil, Serotonin, etc.
Sorry this is so long, just wanted to list anything that I could think of to help.
I found this great website as well--I think this guy has hit it dead on when it comes to OCD/Anxiety. I felt like what he was saying, was finally exactly what i was feeling: http://www.****.co.uk/anxiety_explained.html
On this forum, it talks about stopping the "what if's". I think this especially pertains to OCD, because that is all we do all day, is think "what if"? This is what it says on the website about that:
Stop the 'What ifs'
Today is a good day to stop the 'What if' thoughts.
What if I never get better?
What if it’s not anxiety, but a different mental problem?
What if my old self is lost forever?
What if there is something else wrong with me, brain tumour?
What if I can't breathe?
What if I have to live like this for the rest of my life?
What if it’s just me that feels like this?
What if I'll never be able to enjoy the things I used to?
Thoughts like this are a waste of time and they usually amount to nothing.
All they do is keep your anxiety alive. All this worrying puts a tremendous burden on your body. Recovery is not about resting the body as much as resting the mind. Thrashing it daily with worrying thoughts only increases your feelings of panic and anxiety. Since recovery, I have found that worrying is the single most useless emotion we have. It serves no purpose whatsoever and is only counter-productive.
The next time you have one of these ' What if ' thoughts, just let it go. It's just your habit to worry - understand this - realise it will serve you no purpose and just let it go.
*What really stuck with me about this text, was where he says "The What If's are what keep your anxiety (OCD as well) alive". So basically, our OCD feeds off of these 1% thoughts. So basically, we are feeding this demon called OCD daily, as it is never completely satisfied. The goal is to not feed the demon. As hard as it is, try to stop the 1%, and know that either way, it does not matter.
You logically that if you hit somebody, that you would have been arrested already. It's not like the body would have just disappeared. But then I know what you are might be thinking, "well what if I was so drunk that I hit them, got out and hid the body, and then left." Not possible--if you were that drunk you would have left some sort of evidence behind that it was you that killed whoever this person was. Either way, with OCD, no logic works. It's like if you go to the doctor thinking you are having a heart attack, and they tell you it's just anxiety, and that your heart is healthy and fine. You will still continue to worry about any small pain you have, and probably continually have it checked, never believing in logic. So if logic does not work, what does?...
Basically telling yourself it does not matter. Stopping all worry about the what if's, and realizing, in the long run, none of this matters. All of this worry is just wasting away the life that you have right in front of you. This OCD demon is sucking the life out of all of us, stealing precious days away from us. Free yourself. You have NOTHING to feel bad about. No sick though, obsessive 1% thinking, etc, could ever deem you to hell, or make you a bad person. Strict Catholic teaching will make anyone think they are going to hell. A lot of Christians will try to make you think if you do bad, then you go to hell. That is the most skewed, sick perception of Christianity I have ever seen in my life. God wants you to be free. Christ allows you to screw up as many time as needed in life, and will always forgive you. So don't worry about going to Hell. Just love...love God and love everything...that's Christianity...it's that simple! Don't let people fool, or shall I say scare you. My fiancee' has really helped me out of the contemporary Christians that scare you into thinking you are going to Hell--you are not. Free yourself of your OCD. I know it is easier said then done,but it's at least a start to know that you can free yourself. You won't be stuck thinking like this forever. I thought that I was, but I have seen different tactics for for me. Just pay very close attention to your mind...learn the art of it, how it works, how it thinks. Maybe even keep a journal of your thoughts. Try to pin point how you are thinking, and then test out different ways to change it.
Also and lastly--
Diet affects OCD. I believe all mental illnesses are just a lack of a certain nutrient, or chemical in our brain. Try eating more fruits,vegetables,meats,nuts,cottage cheese, greek yogurt, and things of that sort. Try to stay away from processed foods, sugars, and wheat/gluten. I find that wheat and gluten really make my thoughts a lot worse. You can also look into natural supplements that your body might be depleted in, such as Vitamin D, Vitamin B-12, Fish Oil, Serotonin, etc.
Sorry this is so long, just wanted to list anything that I could think of to help.
Hey i have similar ocd thoughts about being a lesbian.
They have become so bad i feel like i have lost my attraction for guys.
I think you would know if you had hit someone, it would have been on the news, your car would have been retraced, and like everyone else said, you would have felt the impact of hitting someone, and your car would have damage.
Good luck, please answer mine.
They have become so bad i feel like i have lost my attraction for guys.
I think you would know if you had hit someone, it would have been on the news, your car would have been retraced, and like everyone else said, you would have felt the impact of hitting someone, and your car would have damage.
Good luck, please answer mine.
Hi Nathan...I'm, sorry you are still struggling and don't worry about posting...that is why we are here.
Your last paragraph "oh, this is just like when I worried about the stove burners, or being a child predator, or aids, or cancer, or would i become a serial killer. But for some reason the driving thing is much more vivid in my brain" speaks volumes.
The thought goes away when we find closure. You have found a way to get closure on these other thoughts but this one, for some reason, you cannot get closure. Have you tried imagery? Have you closed your eyes and imagined yourself driving home and hitting somebody? When you do this, imagine the person walking out in front of your car, you slamming on the brakes and swerving to miss the person, imagine the sound you would hear upon impact, the other cars around you, where you car would end up after the impact, and yourself pulling over to the side of the road.
Once you have done this, replay your real drive home. You will see that none of what you imagined as a real impact ever happened. No person, no swerve, no impact, nothing.
I'm not a doctor obviously but I used this type of "exposure therapy" successfully for some of the irrational thoughts you had prior to this one.
Let me know how it goes.
Your last paragraph "oh, this is just like when I worried about the stove burners, or being a child predator, or aids, or cancer, or would i become a serial killer. But for some reason the driving thing is much more vivid in my brain" speaks volumes.
The thought goes away when we find closure. You have found a way to get closure on these other thoughts but this one, for some reason, you cannot get closure. Have you tried imagery? Have you closed your eyes and imagined yourself driving home and hitting somebody? When you do this, imagine the person walking out in front of your car, you slamming on the brakes and swerving to miss the person, imagine the sound you would hear upon impact, the other cars around you, where you car would end up after the impact, and yourself pulling over to the side of the road.
Once you have done this, replay your real drive home. You will see that none of what you imagined as a real impact ever happened. No person, no swerve, no impact, nothing.
I'm not a doctor obviously but I used this type of "exposure therapy" successfully for some of the irrational thoughts you had prior to this one.
Let me know how it goes.
What I am taking from your post is that you feel guilt, and the guilt makes it feel real. Irrational feelings of guilt are a part of OCD. You feel guilt, so you try to attribute it to something. I've had that so much. All I can do for now is offer you some reassurance that you have no logical reason to feel fully, and that I'm here to listen.
I guarantee you haven't hit anyone.
I guarantee you haven't hit anyone.
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