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My Worst Fear
Just wanted to share my domineering obsession tonight. I believe writing it out might help me. I have suffered for a long time with depression, violent/sexual OCD thoughts, OCD cleanliness issues and pathological doubt. But the idea that gnaws at me the worst is that I could be responsible for a hit-and-run car accident.
It started a year ago, after I watched a movie called "The Machinist" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Machinist) starring Christian Bale. The psychological "twist" of the movie -**SPOILER ALERT**- is that Christian Bale ran over a young child with his car and fled the scene. Because of his guilt, he has blocked the accident out of his memory, and the plot revolves around him eventually piecing the evidence together and realizing the awful truth.
I cannot tell you how badly I wish I had never seen this movie. Immediately after watching I began to question my own driving history, which thank goodness has never included an accident (I have only scraped a couple cars against a fence, tapped a bumper while parking, etc.) But how could I be SURE that I had never hit a pedestrian??
In my mind, I am a cautious and alert driver. But I began doubting my own memory and self-confidence. I began ruminating on every late-night drive I'd ever taken, every twisty rural road, any time I had been momentarily lost or panicked behind the wheel.
One particular evening from two years ago bubbled up in my memory. I was at an apartment-warming party in NJ, and over the course of the night I had approximately four beers over about 3 hours. At the time I drove home by myself, I did not feel affected at all. (Disclaimer- This is not a common habit for me, as I am not a heavy drinker. I have done the BAC charts and I am fairly sure that I have never been behind the wheel while over the limit) But of course after watching the movie I began to warp this one memory into a disastrous hit-and-run scenario. Oh my god, am I a drunk driver? Could I have blacked out behind the wheel? I remember getting turned around trying to get on the highway, what if I hit someone in a panic to get home and didn't stop to check?
At the time, I was certain I got home safe that night, and it never crossed my mind again until a year later, watching this film. Now I try so hard to remember every detail of the trip, so I can be absolutely sure nothing bad happened. I have zero memory of hitting anyone. There is no evidence of an accident. There is no damage on my car. And I have spent hours searching the internet for news stories related to any possible accidents in the area on that date- of course there are none. I even remember texting my friend from my house telling him I arrived home safely. And rationally I know I would never drive anywhere without being absolutely sure of my ability and motor function. However, my OCD has convinced me that I hit someone or caused an accident and I am now blocking it out of my memory like the Christian Bale character.
I pray every day that this is not true and that I will not be punished or sent to hell for this. I spend hours replaying that night (and other nights too) in my mind to make certain I have no memory of hitting anyone. Of course, this is impossible because that party was two years ago and I only watched the movie one year ago. How could I possibly remember the whole trip in detail? Too much time has passed. Several times I have been close to calling the town police station to make sure nothing bad happened. I regularly watch youtube videos on loop of people getting hit by cars so that I can tell myself "I would know and remember if I hit someone. "
I have a lot of guilt issues from being one of four kids in a strict catholic household, and I think that's what drives this obsession, the fact that I know drinking and driving is so wrong. I feel guilty that this would be setting a bad example for my siblings and letting down my parents if god forbid I was ever in a drunk driving crash. Again, I don't think I was intoxicated...but once again how can I be SURE???
I am 99.9% sure that I have never killed anyone while driving. But that .1% of uncertainty is making me lose my sanity. I have been able to overcome some other OCD thoughts because they are just so ludicrous...but this one seems so real to me. And even on my better days I get depressed because I know one day when I conquer this one, another fear will just take its place.
Thanks for reading.
It started a year ago, after I watched a movie called "The Machinist" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Machinist) starring Christian Bale. The psychological "twist" of the movie -**SPOILER ALERT**- is that Christian Bale ran over a young child with his car and fled the scene. Because of his guilt, he has blocked the accident out of his memory, and the plot revolves around him eventually piecing the evidence together and realizing the awful truth.
I cannot tell you how badly I wish I had never seen this movie. Immediately after watching I began to question my own driving history, which thank goodness has never included an accident (I have only scraped a couple cars against a fence, tapped a bumper while parking, etc.) But how could I be SURE that I had never hit a pedestrian??
In my mind, I am a cautious and alert driver. But I began doubting my own memory and self-confidence. I began ruminating on every late-night drive I'd ever taken, every twisty rural road, any time I had been momentarily lost or panicked behind the wheel.
One particular evening from two years ago bubbled up in my memory. I was at an apartment-warming party in NJ, and over the course of the night I had approximately four beers over about 3 hours. At the time I drove home by myself, I did not feel affected at all. (Disclaimer- This is not a common habit for me, as I am not a heavy drinker. I have done the BAC charts and I am fairly sure that I have never been behind the wheel while over the limit) But of course after watching the movie I began to warp this one memory into a disastrous hit-and-run scenario. Oh my god, am I a drunk driver? Could I have blacked out behind the wheel? I remember getting turned around trying to get on the highway, what if I hit someone in a panic to get home and didn't stop to check?
At the time, I was certain I got home safe that night, and it never crossed my mind again until a year later, watching this film. Now I try so hard to remember every detail of the trip, so I can be absolutely sure nothing bad happened. I have zero memory of hitting anyone. There is no evidence of an accident. There is no damage on my car. And I have spent hours searching the internet for news stories related to any possible accidents in the area on that date- of course there are none. I even remember texting my friend from my house telling him I arrived home safely. And rationally I know I would never drive anywhere without being absolutely sure of my ability and motor function. However, my OCD has convinced me that I hit someone or caused an accident and I am now blocking it out of my memory like the Christian Bale character.
I pray every day that this is not true and that I will not be punished or sent to hell for this. I spend hours replaying that night (and other nights too) in my mind to make certain I have no memory of hitting anyone. Of course, this is impossible because that party was two years ago and I only watched the movie one year ago. How could I possibly remember the whole trip in detail? Too much time has passed. Several times I have been close to calling the town police station to make sure nothing bad happened. I regularly watch youtube videos on loop of people getting hit by cars so that I can tell myself "I would know and remember if I hit someone. "
I have a lot of guilt issues from being one of four kids in a strict catholic household, and I think that's what drives this obsession, the fact that I know drinking and driving is so wrong. I feel guilty that this would be setting a bad example for my siblings and letting down my parents if god forbid I was ever in a drunk driving crash. Again, I don't think I was intoxicated...but once again how can I be SURE???
I am 99.9% sure that I have never killed anyone while driving. But that .1% of uncertainty is making me lose my sanity. I have been able to overcome some other OCD thoughts because they are just so ludicrous...but this one seems so real to me. And even on my better days I get depressed because I know one day when I conquer this one, another fear will just take its place.
Thanks for reading.
Probably 4 hours total. I must admit, it was closer to 12 hours a day when I first started the medicine.
How long have you had obsessions for? What do you worry about?
How long have you had obsessions for? What do you worry about?
How much time would you say you spend per day worrying? For me, at the worst times, it probably takes up 12 hours of my day. I mean, I am still doing things usually, but it'll be in the back of my mind.
Thanks, I will try to be patient with the dosage, I understand that it can take a week or two to notice a change.
Trying your red handle trick and it seems effective.
Trying your red handle trick and it seems effective.
Hey jhguy,
It still dominates a lot of my worries but I am hoping this higher Paxil dose will help. Writing my thoughts down, either here or in a journal is also helpful, especially when others like you are nice enough to offer insight and advice.
It's like you said- "with OCD it is so difficult to tell the difference between legitimate concerns and irrational obsessions." That's what I get stuck on- the question that most OCDers seem to ask- "how do I know it isn't real?"
It still dominates a lot of my worries but I am hoping this higher Paxil dose will help. Writing my thoughts down, either here or in a journal is also helpful, especially when others like you are nice enough to offer insight and advice.
It's like you said- "with OCD it is so difficult to tell the difference between legitimate concerns and irrational obsessions." That's what I get stuck on- the question that most OCDers seem to ask- "how do I know it isn't real?"
"I don't know how people manage this on their own." Well to be honest with you I think those managing it on their own without benefit of meds and therapy are in the minority. Some people try like hell to do it but at a very high cost it seems. Others have been addicted to other medications and simply don't want to take a pill...I get that. But you better have a good therapist and see them often if that is the case.
I know that meds don't work for everybody, but my feeling is give it a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I hope the 40mg starts to make you feel better soon and don't give into those checking compulsions! Remember the red handle and stop yourself! You can do it! Take care Nathan.
I know that meds don't work for everybody, but my feeling is give it a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I hope the 40mg starts to make you feel better soon and don't give into those checking compulsions! Remember the red handle and stop yourself! You can do it! Take care Nathan.
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