My question is this: do i have hocd or am i lesbian? I've loved guys all my life, and have never been emotionally, romanticaly, physcially, or pschycologicaly attracted to women. I can remeber having crushes on boys from a very young age (about 4 or 5), and up to my present age of 16. I wasn't a tomboy and I didn't like sports much, or dress like a boy. Sadly i was molested at a young age by an older boy when i was about 4. After that i became very interested in sex. At about age 8 me and a female friend layed on top of each other and found it "nice", but i think it wasn't because we were both girls. We went no further then that( no kissing, hugging, feeling, just laying there. I didnt discover pornography until about age 9 or 10, and that was strictly straight. One day though i stumbled upon lesbian porn and was very aroused by it. I felt guilty about it after, but continued to watch it for years until about 9 months ago. During that time i was still watching straight porn which aroused me also. Ironically during the time i watched lesbian porn i never once questioned my love for boys. I would think "how is this gonna work out with my husband?" Unfortunatley when i watched lesbian porn I'd want to try it with a women, but as soon as i stopped watching these feelings would leave and guilt and sadness would take its place. Since i can remeber (ages 4-16) i've always had crushes on boys, found them attractive, and in my later years wanted to have intercourse with them. About a year ago though, i was contemplating what gift to give to one of my female friends, and the horrible thought "Am i lesbian because of this?" entered my head. Since that day i haven't been able to get the thought out of my head. I would have shortness of breath, stomach aches, a pounding heart, and wake up in the middle of the night all because of this thought in my head. Every second of evryday i grill myself to see if im lesbian. I have good days when i think "im definetly not a lesbian", and very bad days (like today) when i think i like girls. The thought never leaves my head and it constantly tortures me. I've been to 3 psychologists many times already and they've said that from what they heard from me they think im straight. That relieved me for alittle while, but then i'd have to check the symptoms of hocd and homosexuality to see if mine had changed. they always match the hocd category, but im so afraid that ill turn out to be a lesbian one day. It would devestate me, my mom, and my God. I would probably kill myself or remain abstinent all my life if i turned out to be one. It's funny though because even through my whole ordeal, i still like boys. I'm still trying to get over this guy that i just broke up with (strange huh?). Everytime i see a girl im never interested in a romantic relationship. I'll think "Oh, i love her dress," "what is she wearing?!", "She's pretty and im jealous", "i want pretty skin like her", "she's really confident and cool, and i want to be like her, and for her to accept me and be my friend" or "she looks like shed be a great friend". Sometimes i think that im giving off signs to people like by what i say or how i sit that im a lesbian. I still doubt my sexual orientation evryday, but the physcial sypmtoms have dissapeared, thank the Lord God. Lesbian pornography still arouses me as well as straight porn, but i'd much rather be with a man then a women. There's just something not right about lesbian relationships. I remeber thinking (before these thoughts) "how could two women evr fall in love? its impossible, and i would never do it." When i told my mom this s he laughed and said "You're not a lesbian. You're my child and i wouldve noticed a long time ago if you were one. You've showed no signs of that lifestyle." I agree with her but i still worry everyday that i might oneday turn into a lesbian, and it makes me want to scream and cry. I check my responses to females everyday to see if theyre lesbian or not. Ialso worry that I'll never fall in love with a man and only have crushes for life and eventually turn to girls. So what do you think? please comment soon because im very scared and desperate to be cured.