again hocd hits?

[hocd790]

well i write here again cause i had a preety bad day, i was at beach and was chaking guys and girls all day,
when i came back i masterabuted to those gay toughts, i mean i cant stop imagining myself with a guy, i dont want to think about it but im afraid im in denial . i start masterbating on a girl and then when im about to come i think of me getting anal sex and idk if i get arroused or not cause sometimes i come and sometimes i get turned off . when i start masterbating on me another guy i usualy dont get arroused but sometimes i partly do.. cause if i masterbate enough time i will get arroused and come but idk if it means im  gay. it feels so ****. i always liked girls. never found anything nice at men but those gay toughts keep come and i masterbate 3 times a day and get depressed every time i come.

[hocd790]

ok il do my best, it feels so real . i think im gay but every time i try imagine myself with a men i feel ugly and anxious, today i was speaking with a girl when i went buy clothes to the prom xD
talking with her was great and we were flirting i think il try to get somthing with her cause she was good looking and nice, altough the toughts and feers that i wont be attracted to her are annoying

[JGF25]

You are welcome.  I can reassure you but the truth is you need to take the lead in your own recovery and I think the workbook will help you with that.  Take care of yourself.  

[hocd790]

ok il serch amzon for it now thank you

[JGF25]

Can you get the workbook I mentioned above?  You over thought the situation and next thing you know your mind is playing tricks on you again.  It is time to rein in that mind of yours.  

[hocd790]

yesterday i had a graduation party and theirs two girls in my class that i would like to get on sexsually with em, and just from thinking of it at the party got me horny and hard! i tried to think about the same way with boys and didnt, also felt a bit ugly. after i was about to get with one of thos girls and got hard from it , my mind kept saying to me im gay and i almost said it ! so wtf? im saying im gay then i say i straight , i Dont want to be gay and this **** is annoying.

[JGF25]

I completely understand about the cost.  It has kept me from therapy this last go around as well although I had already learned the tools I needed from earlier therapy sessions.  Why don't you pick up the book called The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  It is not very expensive and you can get it from Amazon here in the states.  I'm not sure where you would get it in Israel but I think if you can get this book, read it, use the worksheets, that you will start to feel better about this whole situation.  You will gain a better understanding of how the mind of an OCD person works and what we can do to gain control back.  

[hocd790]

well its a problem, it cost alot and i know about and ocd therapist who can diangnose me but he ask for like 150 dollars for 50 minuts..il try do my best to meet him.
any advices you can give me?

[JGF25]

More than likely.  Are you making plans to see a psychologist?  

[hocd790]

i know you cant diagnose me, but is this another sympthome of the H-ocd?

[JGF25]

Here is a thought.  Why don't you try not masturbating.  I know I'm asking for a lot here but just try to rein that in and don't put that pressure on yourself.  Could you be doing it more often just to see what arouses you?  Probably.  It is an obsessive mind game you are playing on yourself.  
One test after another to see if you will "pass."  At some point you are going to have to say F-it...you are not going to play these games anymore.